Let Go

She looked out the large tinted window and watched the trees and bushes pass in rich green blurs as the sun shined through the windows on the other side of the Greyhound bus. The sun created a glare on her window. She saw her reflection among the fingerprints and grease smudges from foreheads that had once rested against the window's coolness.

She sighed quietly and wondered how this could be her. She hadn't looked like this at one time. One time she had been happy and full of life. She had been excited and eager to experience life. But now she was tired and exhausted. Now she didn't look forward to taking the challenges life presented her every day. She only anticipated the day she could finally lay down in her permanent resting place. Even though it felt like that day was right around the corner, she knew it was far from the near future. She knew she had many more phases ahead of her.

Loud eruptions of laughter echoed in her head. The sun continued to put a glare on her window. She saw the dust floating in the air through the yellow rays. She could see his face. He had a wide grin with perfect white teeth and his eyes as blue as the sky, his hair dark brown. Even the memory of his face left her in awe. He was the handsomest man she had ever met but the cruelest. He had been able to make her laugh until her sides ached; but he could make her cry herself into a sleep. It had turned sour, just like all of the other things in her life.

She looked into her reflection again. The cut on her lip was healing well but it was still visible. She turned the side of her face to take a good look at the bruise on her cheek bone. That too was fading. It was fading as more distance was being put between her and her old life. She was leaving to start a new life. No one was going to own her.

The bus slowed and pulled into a service plaza. Everyone began to stir from their motionless positions and stand up. As she stood up and stretched, she could feel her spin extend; cracking as her hands reached up to the ceiling of the bus. Yawns escaped the group as they began to step off the bus and walk toward the service plaza. The group divided; some heading for the men's restroom, others for the women's restroom, and several hurried to the Burger King for their doses of caffeine through large cups of coffee.

She wandered over to a small store and looked at all the postcards. She smiled and thought of sending one to someone. But who? Her smile stuck to her face, though the enjoyment began to slip away. She turned away from the store and went to an unfamiliar fast food area. She purchased a small Pepsi and a hot cinnamon bun with icing poured over it in an attractive fashion.

As she headed back to the bus, she noticed several of the other passengers making small talk, one pair even flirting. Suddenly she felt old. A heavy weight tied her down. She wished she'd never met him.

No, she was glad she met him. She wished she'd never fallen in love with him. No, she was glad she was in love with him. She wished he'd been all that she wanted him to be; and he was. But she wasn't all that he wanted her to be. If she had been, he wouldn't have been so unhappy. Right?

Letting go was harder than she thought.

She got back onto the bus and walked back to her seat and ate her bun in silence. The driver was still inside the plaza having his share of coffee. Only two others had returned to the bus: the flirters. She watched them, slowly and quietly eating her breakfast.

Let go, Alyssa. Let go! She closed her eyes and tried to forget. Just forget.

She turned her back to her window and watched birds hop along the parking lot, eating all the crumbs and remains of fast meals families and couples had eaten over the day. She was intrigued by the way they moved. They had a quicker sense of danger than she had. They escaped it. She didn't.

She closed her eyes again and fought the burning sensation. A tear ran down her face. She wiped it away and swallowed down the sensations.

Why couldn't she just let go?