Hot Doggin It

This is not intended for police officers, sorry. It wouldn’t make sense to you, or would it? Maybe this should be solely for police officers so the rest of us can have some answers on why you are the way you are, why you do the things you do, and have you ever arrested a friend or became friends with a criminal you arrested?

It is pretty late and I heard some sirens wizz by and my mind instantly filled up with different ideas, thoughts, and mostly dreadful memories of my time spent behind bars. I have since given up drinking because I was among the many that couldn’t let it go after college.

I have only known two police officers personally in my life but never saw them in uniform and only knew them on a “human” level. Had they been in uniform, I probably would have checked my pockets and walked in a different direction.

Just so we are clear, I have been arrested only twice in 26 years. These days, I would say I am sittin pretty good. I was placed into custody once for a fake ID. The Sworn Officer thought I was disrespectful towards his cruiser and tacked on a $200 public intoxication ticket. I was a freshman in college. The second time was for the dreaded D.U.I, following year. I was off to a great start. That one cost me about $5 Grand, a 3.5 or else GPA, and a puffer in my truck that wouldn’t start at 5 P.M. the following afternoon after a bender the night before. Now that one stung a little bit. Both arrests were by the same prick police department, The Stillwater P.D. and the rumor is true. Even city cops will admit that these guys are assholes. Both times were by different arresting officers but with the same detention officer. There is some significance to this and I will get to that in a minute.

One thing is for sure, and even church goin ladies will agree, everyone has done something to deserve a night in jail. Or at least a night in the drunk tank. I remember being so pissed off at the cop that arrested me for the DUI but I really had no right to be. Think about this for a second. Can you honestly count the number of times you liquored up and got in your car and took off, fully aware that you were breaking the law. This is evident by your constant viewing of the rearview mirror, ten and two driving, and 3 miles an hour under the speed limit. Honestly, it’s probably a better question to ask someone WHEN they got their DUI and proceed to compare BAC levels, than to ask IF they ever had one. They are given like parking tickets these days.

Arrest Number 1. I totally deserved it and did a pretty good job keeping it from my parents until they sent my mom a letter asking me to surrender my driver license for 3 months! I don’t really think that was fair. I wasn’t driving or even near an automobile. I just drove 4 hours to Dallas to buy shitty fake I.D.’s with 4 buddies. I was the only one to get arrested for it but all of us had them taken away. Anyway, if you have ever been to Stillwater, Ok and dared to use a fake ID to party on the strip it is common knowledge that there are two joints NOT to try. Of course, my dumbass used my fake at the biggest No No little juke joint. It worked too! I am sure that really helped things. I think the guy just didn’t want to bust us. I probably would have if I were him. Rumor has it, each employee that catches a fake gets $50 cash. I’m not sure if that is even legal but I am sure they did.

I had a great time using it back and forth between Stillwater and Edmond for about a week and a half before I got pinched. Now that I think about it, both nights of my arrests were Thursday nights. How about that. Anyway, I was hanging out with some upperclassmen, one in particular who is a bigger asshole than Tucker Max and Puck combined. All the girls liked him and he had a firehose for a schlong. I am not bullshitting, the guy could face a fence and piss on you if you were standing directly behind him. Last I heard, he is a used car salesman at his dad’s dealership. How cliche is that? So this drunk prick happen to like a guy like me that would drink every night and bum him a cigarette whenever he needed it. He was one of those guys that don’t smoke. You know, they don’t buy their own pack but smoke more than 20 cigarettes a day. God I hated this dude, and  I would eventually take it out on his little brother who would pledge couple years behind me. He was built like a hulk, looked meaner than his brother, but would cry if you made fun of his extra small shirts he wore. I liked him though. He was a good kid but I’m afraid he is setting a record for coming in dead last in sales every month at dad’s dealership. He was dumber than shit, unlike his brother. His brother was just too perfect for the washed up athlete dickface routine that contracted goneherra and worked for his dad. Peter Facenelli’s role in “Can’t Hardly Wait” was based on this guy.

Okay, I obvousily have some unresolved issues with the Blobb brothers. I just spent an entire paragraph dragging them through pig shit for no reason. Well except for maybe one, my first arrest. I had followed him to Willie’s Tavern. Just so happened that a fellow brother was working the door that night so my I.D. was flawless I thought. Once again, if you have ever spent a night on the strip in Stillwater you know the tradition. Pre-drink, Coin beer bar till midnight, then off to Murphy’s to power drink yourself with tiny water downed tequila shooters. If you were going to get laid that night, your best bet was at murphy’s. Everyone was there and everyone was F-ed up. I hardly remember being there.

A local dude picked up on the Murphy’s trend and decided on the weekends, including Thursday of course, he would set up a chili cheese hotdog stand right outside the entrance to Willie’s. It also happened to be right smack in the center of the sidewalk where everyone flocked North to Murph’s. I thought I could drink in high school, I was out to prove I could drink with the big boys. Unfortunatly, I was very sadly mistaken. I barely even remember shoving the half eaten chili dog in my back pocket when the detention officer pulled it out with latex gloves. I was like a celebrity at SPD jail that night. He called every officer, including the detectives in to see my trick. It was great, until the following morning when I was the last guy to be bailed out and had my blanket taken away for bad behavior.

My bail was $400 cash, not a penny more, not a penny less. Apparently out of 70 members in the fraternity, the ONE guy who made it a point to express his dislike for me withdrew 4 Bills and even gave me a ride home! I guess he had “Fraternity Fever” or something and felt it was his duty a fellow "brother". I didn't really care his reasons I was still pissed about my Indian-Given blanket. Seriously, how rude. Tucker Puck didn’t even tell anyone I was in jail  when he got back to the house. This A Hole was the one who persuaded a blacked out freshman to use a fake at Murphy’s in the first place! Murph's happen to be the second and most notorious bar for lifting fakes. I got the whole story from him and a few other guys that saw it happen later that night. I had to zip down to Edmond that day to meet my mom for lunch and go to the dermatologist. I had horrible acne that year. A clear face in high school and a pizza face in college, god it really pissed me off. I know I could have bagged a few more babes if my confidence wasn’t so damaged.

According to eye witnesses, I didn’t even make it in the door before I was handcuffed. The bouncer outside spotted it and the “Fake ID” detective in his Hawaiin shirt and tattooed sleeved arms jumped out of a bush so he could do the honors of adding another novelty ID to his collection. All I know is they kept asking me how much I paid for the damn thing and I kept saying if they would light me a smoke I would tell them. I am pretty sure I didn’t get the smoke but I told everyone I did. I ended up really pissing off the really nice guy who hated me but paid my my bail in full because I would only pay him in small increments. I had to! I didn't want my folks to catch on. As I already mentioned, it didn’t make a damn bit of difference anyhow. I had to mail my driver license in to the DPS and my parents really would not let me drive at all that summer.There I was, 15 again. I was stuck at home for 3 months, I had a face full of zits, and a bad attitude. FUCK.

PART II.

​Give me a D, give me a U, give me an I, now what does that spell??? DUI! First text message I received on my mile hike back home after the judge said I could go. It was the first weekend of Spring Break and I was the only sucker left in town. I had no idea where my truck was. FUCK.

To Be Continued….