Chapter 1 My Amor

CHAPTER 1

AMORA-


Sitting there in the women's bathroom, looking at the press on nails someone had pulled off, I realized that I hadn't forgotten what day of the month it was. The thought burned through me for a moment. Shaking my head I washed my hands and headed off to find my on-again-off-again boyfriend. The same guy who had declared months ago that he was not all that into women anymore. So being me, I let him bounce from me to his new boyfriend, Isaac. Biting my lip, I let the name rattle me for a moment. It was my fault that I stuck around, not having the confidence, time or will to leave.
I mean, Kyle and I had been dating since we were in middle school. In fact it was the middle of middle school. The first day of our second and last year. In front of our English class, which was exactly 212 steps from both of the side exits. Yes, after we went public, we counted the steps. Back then I thought it was sweet, now it comes across as naive.
I saw him in the middle of the baking needs aisle comparing prices. He was holding a bag of sugar and looking...how do I put this nicely?.... Gay. With his spiked blond hair, bright green eyes, thick lips and a body that makes most girls (and guys) do a double take. I heard him mumble something as I slowly walked up to him. How incredibly sexy was this man who was only half mine half the time..... A chill went up my fingers. A memory flooded my mind. A memory from before my life was turned on it's side. The memory made me sigh, bringing his attention to me. Caught by his stare I suddenly remembered what had taken me so long. Silently I stuck my hand in my pocket and thumbed over the items it held.
“Sup?” I asked.
He made a noise. “Do we have any sugar at home?”
We....Oh yea...We as in WE live together. It was supposed to be temporary. Only until I could save up the money to move out. The money grew by the week and still I hadn't packed a thing. Yet, I let him bring home his ….boyfr...... guy friend. Listening many nights as they had fun in the living room while I was “trying to sleep”. That is what the second bedroom was for. For me to sit lonely and on the verge of tears while they watched movies and ate organic popcorn. Like I could sleep through that. When Isaac left I would find myself climbing out of my bed and into his, neatly tucking myself under his arm. That's how it was supposed to be, before he told me about his new found sexuality. In the morning he would wake up with me beside him and tell me that we shouldn't be sleeping together. Sleeping together........several nights we made love. Each time I tried to make it better than the last, trying to bring him back. To rewind time. My how stupid of me.
“I think we have some,” I eyed him, biting my lip. “I'm going to go make a call. My cell won't get service in here.”
He nodded at me and returned his gaze to the row of sweetners. I turned and walked away. I had to get out of that store. Had to get away from him and his probing eyes. When I walked outside I thought about lighting up a cigarette but the call was more important. Dialing my sisters number I leaned against the wall and put my head back on the cool bricks. Emotions started running through me. Hate, anger, disbelief, disappointment, excitement.....I hung up. Maybe she wouldn't understand. I let my hand fall as if the phone was to heavy and closed my eyes. Coward.
Three...two...one. My phone played Beethoven. Damn star 69. I almost didn't flip it open, but I need help.
“Lo..Kay,” I mumbled.
“What's your problem?” She asked. I could hear her kids in the background screaming over something.
“I need to talk,” I say, running my hand over my jeans, trying to smooth them.
She paused. “Barn in an hour?”
“Sure,” I replied and hung up.
I saw Kyle come out carrying two bags as I was pulling out my pack of cigarettes. Automatically I stuffed them back in my pocket and grabbed one of the bags. Sighing, he kissed me on my cheeks as we walked to my car. My car was the only thing in my life that made me feel proud. I had worked very hard to restore it and it showed. Sometimes I think my car is the only reason Kyle sticks around. The thought made me snap the car door shut with a loud thud. He looked at me for a second before jumping over the door and into the passenger seat, where he normally doesn't sit.
The drive home was quiet. We didn't seem have much to say to each other lately. I pulled into our reserved spot and let him put the top up. The tension that passed between us during the drive made me jittery as I climbed the stairs to our apartment. All I could think about was getting all of this pint up emotion out. I nearly walked into our apartment without noticing the note. Probably because there was usually one there when we came back from doing something. A flash of anger shot up from the sight of it. I let it fade into my other emotions before Kyle could see. All the note said was that Isaac had stopped by, he was sorry and wanted Kyle to call him.
Ohh..that's right. They had an argument. Isaac had told Kyle that he didn't like his “Will and Grace” lifestyle and wanted me to move out. Kyle had answered him by shutting the door in his face. The corners of my mouth pulled up. After the argument Kyle climbed into my little twin size bed with me. The whole night I pretended things were how they used to be.
I stole a glance at him as he started to put the groceries away. I tried to help him once but he got aggravated because I didn't know where he put things. After that I let him do it all, it made our lives easier. He was pouring sugar in it's container when I started toward my bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed what time it was. My heart sped as I remembered that I had to leave. Without even thinking about it I flung myself over the low divider bar in our kitchen, landing right in front of him. He gave me a startled look as his eyes met mine. I almost gave up and spilled my guts to him right there. Instead I let a light smile cover my carefully kept emotions and gave him a gentle kiss. Before he could say anything I walked out the door. Kissing me wasn't appropriate anymore, to him anyway.
I almost didn't make the drive. For a minute I thought about going for a walk and finding a way to never come back. But Kayla would be waiting for me. She'd never let me down. So I couldn't let her down...I guess. So I started up the engine and headed out of the city and into the country.
The house I grew up in was the third house on the left from the little grocery store. The one with the white picket fence and big red barn. When I pulled in my mom was standing there. She didn't act surprised to see me. Smiling she handed me a bucket of grain and some hay. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong as I followed her down the row of horses. Kayla must have called her and told her that I was upset. She didn't even ask as she pointed to a stall. I threw the hay over the door and dumped the grain into the feed bucket, missing the old days. The little pinto mare inside nickered and let me pet her before she went to eat.
Kayla pulled up after we had finished feeding all the horses. My mom had given up on patiently waiting for me to talk and went back into the house. I was sitting on one of the tack boxes when she walked up. Too numb to even think.
“Sorry I'm late I had to wait for Greg to get off work,” she looked at me. “I didn't want to bring the kids along.”
The emotions that had been building up bubbled. I couldn't help it. One look at the person that was there to help me and it all just came out. In the form of tears, but it came out none the less. I started sobbing like a baby. Quickly, she pulled me to her and started to brush her hand over my hair. My mind raced. I was in a spot that I felt there was no way out of. A boyfriend who no longer wanted me because I was the wrong sex. Heck, I didn't even know if he still loved me or not. Family and friends looking down on me because I was still clinging. Now........now I was lost in a shell of my former self.
“What's wrong Amora? Is it Kyle,” Kayla asked.
“No....It's...” I sobbed. “I can't......I'm...”
“Whatever it is can't be that bad,” she said as she pulled me off her shoulder to look at me. I snuffed as snot and tears ran down my face. Wiping them away I nodded and cried some more. It was the end of the world as I knew it. Nothing anyone could do could ever fix my life. She paused. I never cry this bad. I didn't cry this bad when Kyle told me that he wasn't who he had put himself out to be. Pausing to regain my breath I looked at my sister. Her eyes narrowed and I imagined a light bulb going off in her head.
“Oh my God...Amora...You're pregnant.” She let her jaw drop.
My face melted and I nodded. Kayla took her hands off my shoulders and stood back in shock. I could see her thinking over the situation. Her twenty year old sister pregnant by a gay man.
“What are you going to do?” She asked, as tears welled up in her eyes.
I didn't have an answer and she knew it. All I knew was that abortion and adoption were out of the question. I would have to raise my baby, even if I did it alone. Kayla sat down on the tack box and I sat beside her. For three hours we talked. I cried. She promised to be there for me. I never wanted to go back home.