Adoption Void

Every year I end up in the bathroom [no matter where I am] and I cry. It’s just a rough time of year and only going to get worse. I’ve been told countless times, look at what you have around you, be grateful for what you do have… and I know I need to accept how things are and let them go, but it’s so difficult, I don’t even want to start doing so. I’m emotionally tired and drained and lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my family, I am very grateful for having my parents, my brother, and my friends. It’s more a matter of the holidays being right around the corner, and feeling incomplete. Just because I am very grateful for my life, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. Standing in a room with 100 people and still feeling alone.

I’ve fought this battle all my life, I guess adoption does this – and while I am grateful to be adopted and not on the streets as a prostitute, there is still a part of me that feels incomplete… there is a void. I can sit here and focus on the positive until I turn old and grey but there will always be that void.

The Adoption Void.

This subject is not easy
So please listen to what I say
Just because it looks one way
Doesn’t mean it’s always that way

Adoptions are very solid
And can sweep you off your feet
But it comes with some emotions
Which can taste bitter-sweet

Listen to these words
Realize how grateful I am
But understand it comes with a price
Do you think you can understand?

Learning to feel the love
And accepting your new life
Emotions running rampant
That can cut you like a knife

Smiles all around you
Learning to hide your fears
Wondering if they’ll leave you
As you fight back your tears

There will always be that hole
Wondering what you did so wrong
Trying to understand it all
While pretending to be strong

100 people surround you
But you’re feeling so alone
It doesn’t matter who is there
Your cover has been blown

You can’t hold it in any longer
As tears roll down your face
I know I should be grateful
But it’ll never be the same

Now please don’t start lecturing me
“There is always a silver lining”
That lies behind every dark cloud
So, you better start smiling”

Screw the silver lining
I’m tired of people judging
Some things just arent that easy
Emotions aren’t always loving

Put yourself in my shoes
After feeling this for a while
The adoption void that I feel
And tell me I should smile.