Disturbia (My Version)

I'm the girl the guy gets to live out his dirtiest fantasies. I'm the girl the guys sends sexual pics and txt anytime of day because he was thinking about it and wanted to share with someone. I'm the girl who is the mistress, sideline ho, chick on the side. I'm the girl who doesn't ask much from the guys I lay with. I'm the girl who is deprieved of healthy male relationship, because all I see my worth is that of a sex object. Yes, some call me pretty, gorgeous, beautiful. But that's all off of looks or their way to advance to fuck me. I hate it! But my addiction keeps me in such a position. I fiend for the control I gain from a guy when I sexually please him. I fiend for the way they succumb to my will. I fiend for the way they jeopardize their "perfect" relationships to enjoy a guilty pleasure. But! When the encounter is over and I am set back in reality, I feel worse than a prostitute. And I'm stuck listening to sad and depressing songs and writing endlessly to keep myself from going back to an older addiction of cutting. I'm left alone and not a shoulder to cry on when I'm down. While they are get back to their commitment of choice nd give her love, support, and time. Not one guy is there when I'm feeling unpretty. Not one guy is there when my life is a disarray. But when they need another fix of me, they call, text, or just stop by. And I grant them access because I need a fix to maintain my sanity. Even though I know I'm gonna feel like crap once the sun rises. And there are those times when I get so overwhelmed with my my secret life, I cry and just want out of life and its sick ways. Some days I wish I could just be like the "good girls" I went to high school with and just find a nice guy and be committed. But that just seems so unrealistic in my world. Still I yearn for that nice guy to come along and not just see my beauty but want a to learn my mind and heart before he opens my legs and have his way. Not one guy I've layed with knows about my passion for writing or my dreams and aspirations cause they dont care. They're trying to bust a nut. And most of the time I don't deny them cause I'm feeding my owm addiction. Luckily, I've kept myself safe through my journey of addiction. I'm disease free and have never had an abortion. I have only one child and plan to have more, once I'm married. But marriage seems so far from my world. That's scary to me. Still I know I'm not ran through, nor a set out, nor a whore, slut, ho. Or anything of that sort. And others may have a total different view. Seriously, I dont care. Cause as much sex I have, my name still isn't in the streets. No one knows me cause I dont like the spotlight and dont do things to attract it. I have sex with mulitiple guys. No! Not at once, day, nor week. And I'm not doing it to get publicity. As most females do. I could have though.. Considering who I've layed with. But privacy and confidentiality is my policy. And so far, it has worked for me. Still, I just want out. I want to be done being the other chick. I'm wanting the commitment from a monogamous relationship. So I'm in the process of changing my rewjul I'm the girl the guy gets to live out his dirtiest fantasies. I'm the girl the guys sends sexual pics and txt anytime of day because he was thinking about it and wanted to share with someone. I'm the girl who is the mistress, sideline ho, chick on the side. I'm the girl who doesn't ask much from the guys I lay with. I'm the girl who is deprieved of healthy male relationship, because all I see my worth is that of a sex object. Yes, some call me pretty, gorgeous, beautiful. But that's all off of looks or their way to advance to fuck me. I hate it! But my addiction keeps me in such a position. I fiend for the control I gain from a guy when I sexually please him. I fiend for the way they succumb to my will. I fiend for the way they jeopardize their "perfect" relationships to enjoy a guilty pleasure. But! When the encounter is over and I am set back in reality, I feel worse than a prostitute. And I'm stuck listening to sad and depressing songs and writing endlessly to keep myself from going back to an older addiction of cutting. I'm left alone and not a shoulder to cry on when I'm down. While they are get back to their commitment of choice nd give her love, support, and time. Not one guy is there when I'm feeling unpretty. Not one guy is there when my life is a disarray. But when they need another fix of me, they call, text, or just stop by. And I grant them access because I need a fix to maintain my sanity. Even though I know I'm gonna feel like crap once the sun rises. And there are those times when I get so overwhelmed with my my secret life, I cry and just want out of life and its sick ways. Some days I wish I could just be like the "good girls" I went to high school with and just find a nice guy and be committed. But that just seems so unrealistic in my world. Still I yearn for that nice guy to come along and not just see my beauty but want a to learn my mind and heart before he opens my legs and have his way. Not one guy I've layed with knows about my passion for writing or my dreams and aspirations cause they dont care. They're trying to bust a nut. And most of the time I don't deny them cause I'm feeding my owm addiction. Luckily, I've kept myself safe through my journey of addiction. I'm disease free and have never had an abortion. I have only one child and plan to have more, once I'm married. But marriage seems so far from my world. That's scary to me. Still I know I'm not ran through, nor a set out, nor a whore, slut, ho. Or anything of that sort. And others may have a total different view. Seriously, I dont care. Cause as much sex I have, my name still isn't in the streets. No one knows me cause I dont like the spotlight and dont do things to attract it. I have sex with mulitiple guys. No! Not at once, day, nor week. And I'm not doing it to get publicity. As most females do. I could have though.. Considering who I've layed with. But privacy and confidentiality is my policy. And so far, it has worked for me. Still, I just want out. I want to be done being the other chick. I'm wanting the commitment from a monogamous relationship. So I'm in the process of changing my mindset amd throwing my old life away. I deserve so much better!