Liam's Story

Liam’s Story
When my husband Kevin found out he had testicular cancer in 2001, they’d removed one testicle and put him through some very aggressive chemotherapy treatments. But before he was to start chemo, they informed us it would be very unlikely we would be able to have more children and recommended that he bank some of his sperm just in case.
Kevin contacted a fertility clinic and he told me they recommended he should clean his pipes so-to-say before making his actual “donation”. I laughed when he tried to tell me this thinking it was probably a plot just to get one last good one in before he started his chemo knowing he’d be really sick for several months. Needless to say, I didn’t deny him the opportunity.
He went ahead with the process and started his chemo immediately after doing so. To our surprise, I discovered I was pregnant only a month later when I missed my period. It scared the crap out of me. Not knowing whether my husband would get through all this I was really really worried. But I had faith in God and believed that everything would be OK.
Kevin’s therapy continued and the months went on. I still had to work since Kevin was unable, and while dealing with all this in my head. Then in my fifth month I went in for my ultrasound and was given some really bad news. There was no amniotic fluid around my baby and both his kidneys were filled with fluid. The doctors immediately sent me to a specialist who sat us both down and delivered the hardest blow. My baby was dying inside me. He explained that his urethra (Yup it’s a boy… Surprise! It was difficult for me to experience any joy at that moment however) was blocked and the urine that normally excretes out into the uterus (I also learned that this is how a baby creates amniotic fluid) was backing up into his kidneys. The medical term for this is hydronephrosis (another thing I learned that day).
I asked the doctor what we should do. He recommended I get an abortion. I told him “I’m sorry, I just can’t do that. I won’t do that!”, and I begged him for another option. He told us there was a procedure that they had never done before, totally experimental and it would only increase his chances by 5%. I said, “Let’s do it.”
The doctor set me up to come in for an outpatient surgery. He gave me a local on my belly and while watching from an ultrasound he made an incision and inserted a long tube into my uterus until it reached my son’s kidney. Now for those of you who wonder about whether a baby can feel in the womb I am going to tell you I believe it does. The doctor literally had to change him around as he squirmed in there not wanting to be poked and prodded. For the doctor, he was fortunate that the lack of amniotic fluid kept the baby less mobile, allowing him to get the tube into the kidney so he could then insert a stint allowing the urine to be released into the womb.
I have to say that this was one of the most painful procedures I have ever endured next to giving birth. Even though I had a local, it only numbed the surface where the incision was made. Everything thing deeper than that, I felt completely. It was worth it though, the procedure worked! The fluid built up in the uterus and he was swimming around like a fish. I finally felt him kicking and moving for the first time. It was wonderful! But unfortunately he was having so much fun in there with his new found freedom, he managed to yank the tube out. I did not look forward to having to endure that experience all over again but I knew it had to be done and my doctor was totally willing since he was completely shocked that the procedure was proving to be successful.
After the second time, I had the same result and my fluids actually built up to normal levels. I was hopeful. I had only four more months to go to find out if it all would really work and if my baby would be saved.
I did not expect what was to happen next. After two more weeks, I awoke in my bed in the middle of the night, soaking wet. My water broke while I was sleeping and Kevin was gone out of town on his long shift for the fire department. I was alone and scared. For some reason I wasn’t in labor though. My guess was that after puncturing the womb so many times it just couldn’t take the increasing pressure and gave way.
After calling my doctor I brought my 3 year old son to my neighbor’s house at 1am and asked them to take him until Kevin could arrive home. I then drove myself to the hospital and they checked me in. The nurse informed me that if I didn’t not go into labor I would have to stay in the hospital the remainder of my pregnancy. It was only August 27th and I wasn’t due in December. I was not prepared for this at all!
Finally after several hours, Kevin made it to the hospital. They moved me to another room and put me on antibiotics right away so I would not get an infection. That room was my home for the next three months. I had to contact my job and tell them the news. Fortunately Kevin was just returning to work so we’d have some income. My mother flew out from New York to care for our three year old son.
Thankfully, I wasn’t burdened with a roommate. They managed to give me my own space. A good friend was also kind enough to loan me her laptop so I could have access to the outside world. I spent my days in AOL Pregnancy chat rooms talking to other moms (one of which I am still friends with on Facebook) I had a TV with a VCR and Kevin brought me movies every week so I could keep my mind occupied. As the weeks went by, I found myself unable to sleep at night because I did nothing but worry. Kevin was going through his own personal hell at the time when he found out that a scan revealed that his cancer might have spread to his brain. He didn’t disclose this information to me however, knowing I was already going through enough.
One of the most horrible days in U.S. history happened while I was in the hospital. The phone woke me up on September 11th at 8:45 am. It was Kevin. He asked me if I had been watching the news. I said no. He told me what had happened and that he was in the middle of a flight-for-life rescue when the Commander in Chief gave the order to ground all aircraft immediately. I turned on the television and to my horror I watched as the city I loved and knew as my second home was in dire straits. The Twin Towers, in which I have visited many times as a child, were now turned to ash and rubble and many of my husband’s friends were sadly taken with it.
As another month and a half passed I became increasingly more depressed and worried, completely unsure of the fate of my baby’s life. Many of my friends and church members came by to pray with me, giving me the hope for a miracle. It was all I had left to believe in now. Without the amniotic fluid in the uterus, my baby’s lungs could not develop. My doctors had explained to me that there was something truly mystical about the amniotic fluid. It was not something that could be replaced by saline or any other synthetic fluid and it was crucial for the development of my baby’s lungs. Without it, there was little hope his lungs would develop and he would have little chance for survival then, even with all the medical advancements there were.
On November 11th 2001, I started having contractions. They gave me something to try and stop them but it only lasted a few hours until they started again. I knew this was it. They immediately prepped me for an emergency C-section and pushed me into a freezing operating room. My body shook like crazy from the cold and the fear. I have to mention that I was extremely happy that they decided to give me an epidural before inserting a caterer, having never experienced that before!
Kevin stayed by my side the whole time holding my hand. They put a big sheet up in front of me so I couldn’t see anything and once the epidural took effect, the doctor was cutting. I felt a ton of pressure in my abdomen. After a while it started to make me very nauseous. I was afraid of vomiting all over my anesthesiologist. Within minutes though, Liam Gabrielle Hoyt was born. I heard the doctor say he was out and it definitely was a boy. Then after some sucking noises I heard the most beautiful sound. He cried! I knew that meant he had lungs. I think Liam even shocked the doctor. It wasn’t what he expected at all. The doctor quickly held him for me to see. I got a quick glimpse of his tiny little body and head full of dark hair before he yanked him away and gave him to the nurses and team of doctors that waited for him.
He sewed me up and then they sent me down the hall to a recovery room where I waited alone. The worst part was the pain I felt while lying there alone and scared, unable to move because of the epidural. They had given me pitocin to make my uterus contract back to normal. I didn’t think I would have to experience labor when I had a C-section but as I lay there, I felt my belly spasming and all the while I couldn’t even move. My entire body felt like it was sewn to the bed. I was in agony laying there watching the clock and waiting for someone to come in and tell me what was happening.
Finally Kevin came in and told me he got to be with our son. He gave me very little information though, trying to pillow the situation for me. I knew he wasn’t telling me everything but he tried to sound hopeful.
They finally took me to a new room in recovery. Though I had my own room again this time it was on the maternity ward. All I could hear was the sounds of crying babies. It was the worst night of my life. I couldn’t sleep at all. The handfuls of Ambien and Lortab they gave me couldn’t even suppress the anxiety and pain I felt.
The nurse finally came in the morning and barely gave me a shred of hope. His condition was stable but he was on a ventilator to help him breath because his lungs were working too hard without one. The other issue was his kidneys. There was substantial damage from the urine building up in them but the worst part is when he yanked his tube out the first time because they little guy pulled his kidney completely out of his body. Though she never admitted it, I got the impression they had no idea how to deal with that problem. I wanted to go see him but they said he was too busy being looked at by the doctors at the time.
I waited. Finally by mid-day, Kevin and the nurse returned and said I needed to go to the NICU immediately. They put me in a wheel chair and took me to a room where I had to wash and put on a sterile gown. They pushed me into a dimly lit room full of preemies in incubators. It was difficult to see my Liam all covered in tubes. He was tiny, not much longer than a Barbie doll, but even with the tube in his mouth covered in tape, I could still see that he looked just like Connor when he was born.
I asked if he was in any pain. They told me he was being given morphine. A nurse scooped up his little body up and placed him in my arms while still all attached to the machines. His eyes were closed. I could only hope he was comfortable but I also hoped he’d know I was there. I don’t remember how long I held him for. I just remember sitting there watching the machines pump air into his lungs, listening to the sound of it as it hissed in the back ground and the beeping of the monitors attached to him. They brought Connor in to see him too. He was dressed in a yellow sterile gown. He had a mask on his face and gloves on his hands that were much too big for his fingers. He got to hold Liam and touch his little brother for the first time. After a while my mother and a pastor from my church arrived as well as several friends. The pastor prayed over Liam as we all bowed our heads listening and praying with him.
Then they made me leave. They took me back to the room. More waiting. There was nothing I wanted to do except go back and see my son again. I would rather have spent the day in the NICU with him than sit in that room but Kevin had to take care of something that he didn’t want me to be a part of. He took the burden of signing the papers that would allow them to remove the ventilator. He didn’t want to keep our son tied to tubes and machines the rest of his life, no matter how long that might’ve been. Everything seemed hopeless at the time but we did all we possibly could. It was just his time to go.
I was in a great deal of pain but I didn’t care. I can’t recall how long I was in my room until they finally came back for me. When they took me back to the NICU, Kevin looked very somber. He knelt next to me and explained to me with tears in his eyes that there was nothing more they could do. The doctors couldn’t repair the damage done to his kidneys, his lungs were not fully developed enough to come off the ventilator and they weren’t sure how long he would last. I asked if I could hold him again and they said yes. It was actually why they had brought me there. This was good-bye.
As I held them the nurse asked me if it was okay to take the ventilator off yet. I nodded. When she removed it from his mouth I got to see his face for the first time without all the tubes and tape. His hair was soft. He felt as light as a toy doll in my hand but he was warm and real. I touched his hands and his fingers, his ears and his face and even counted all his toes. He was quite perfect.
Without the ventilator he took deep breaths every few seconds. I could tell he was struggling but he wasn’t giving up yet. He held on for an hour before his heart rate started to drop, surprising all the nurses in the NICU who expected him to go quickly. I whispered in his ear. I told him what brave boy he was, that he did a great job and that I was proud of him. Then I told him he didn’t have to fight anymore. I told him he could go to Jesus. It wasn’t long after that, his breathing stopped and the numbers on the heart rate monitor dropped to zero until it finally hummed steadily, and he was gone.
Kevin and I took turns holding Liam. Kevin sang silly songs to him even. Then we both kissed him several times with our wet faces and I remember holding him until the nurse said she needed to take him away for a moment. She bathed him, clothed him and wrapped him in a blue blanket and then brought him back to me. Connor and my mom came in to hold him and say goodbye also. The nurses gave me a small blue hand-made angel. They gave one to all their mommies that lost their angels in the NICU.
I finally had to force myself to let him go though I wanted to hold him forever. Losing a child is probably the worst thing any mother can go through. There is no greater pain. One of the hardest things I faced while grieving was, not knowing why I had to lose my son. I asked God over and over why he took him from me but I received no answer. It hurt most because I hoped that if I had enough faith he would be okay. I did everything right and I fought for his life thinking God would let me keep him here with me, but he did not. I was completely crushed. I don’t think I could have gotten through it all without my son and my husband by my side. Having Connor gave me strength. He needed a mom and I needed to be there for him. I couldn’t just fall apart and give up. Kevin was there to hold me up every time I felt like I was coming unglued. When I was sad and my world was crumbling, he was there for me. He was my best friend.

Miracles do Happen
On August 29th 2003 I gave birth to Faith Elizabeth Hoyt. After being told by the urologist that the chances of Kevin getting me getting pregnant again were slim to none, we managed to prove him wrong. Despite everything we went through, I feel extremely blessed to have two beautiful children and a healthy husband. Though much of my views have changed as I’ve learned and grown, I haven’t given up my faith in God. Over the years I’ve learned to trust him again and lean on him for strength and comfort. I no longer ask why. I simply accept the path that God has given me in life and I hope that one day I will know his purpose for everything I’ve been through. I also have comfort in knowing that one day I will see my son again and that he is in a better place now.
I have been very much in the mood to write lately and finally decided that I was ready to share Liam’s story with the world. It’s not an easy thing for me to talk about since I am normally a closed book around people but writing is my stronger forte when it comes to expressing myself. This is not an easy story to read but I felt it needed to be heard. Liam’s passing was not in vain. The doctors that performed his surgery while in-vetro learned a lot from the experience and said they would not give up so easily in the future. They have hope that they will continue to learn from the procedure and that it someday might truly save a life.