Andy's Black Magic Healing Spell

The following spell can help with any ailment, but it is particularly beneficial remedying phlegmy chest colds and bad bunions.  It is a hodge podge of magics; part voodoo, part Wiccan ritual, part incantation to the Old Gods, and yes, even part theatrical, street magic.  I’m sure this powerful, but little known spell, is not in your spell book.  Gaining the knowledge for this spell came to me at a dear cost, so mark and remember it carefully young wizards and witches, mark and remember it well. 

First you need to order two dozen wings and a salad form your local pizza delivery joint.  You may order any flavor wing you wish, but I recommend honey barbeque, not for any special magical properties it contains, but simply because it’s delicious.  Yes, you will be eating the wings because you need to get at the chicken bones for later.  You also need your strength.  You should never ever, ever cast a spell on an empty stomach.  Let me add that the old wives' tale about waiting one hour to cast a spell after eating is an old witchs' tale.  Don’t believe it.

Why the salad?  I have been scrying in my crystal ball what you have been eating lately, and it’s a disgrace.  You need your roughage.

Next get your own standard issue, 1272 AD, properly glyphed, enchanted and approved by the high wizard Thadiloenus Blackchunt, black, cast iron cauldron.  If you don’t have that, I guess any old, large spaghetti pot will do.  Place the pot on a burner and fill it with 9 and 3/16 cups of blessed, holy water.  Caulk an outline of the symbol of the American Red Cross (which just happens to be a cross) on your stove around your pot and begin chanting the song How Do You Heal A Broken Heart by Chris Walker.  If you are trying to cure impotence chant the words to Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye in lieu of How Do You Heal A Broken Heart.  Remember, you must continue to chant your song throughout the entirety of the ritual or the spell will be broken.

Turn the burner on to high and bring the water to a boil.  Place the chicken bones into the boiling water.  Now many a young wizard or witch has scoffed at the use of chicken bones as uncultured or “low” magic.  Let me assure you in magic, particularly healing magic, nothing is more potent than the chicken bone.  Have you ever seen a chicken with a cold, or bronchitis, or pneumonia?  I rest my case.

Next add the following components.  Shavings of willow bark, 5 springs of wolfs bane, 3 pinches of dried bat wing, a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, 2 teaspoons of eye of toad, a half cup of Vick’s Vapor Rub, and lastly salt and pepper to taste.  Stir continuously for four hours, while chanting your song.

After four hours have passed get a large towel and place it over the pot.  This is so you don’t breathe in any of the vapors as you pour the boiling sludge down a hole in your backyard.  Did I forget to tell you not to breath in any of the steam from the boiling pot?  Don’t, the stuff smells nasty and will probably just make your cold worst.  It will be hard not to breath in the fumes as your stir the pot and sing your song for four hours, but do the best you can do.

After the liquid in the pot has disposed of, now the real magic begins.  Take the recommended dosage of Nyquil and go to bed.

C’mon everyone knows there’s no more powerful magic than the “Green Death” anyway.

And don’t forget to keep chanting your song.