Spare Change

I was just leaving the local supermarket, overloaded polythene bags already beginning to cut into my hands. To block the pain and boredom, I let my mind wander far away from the drudgery, into the usual plethora of strange and dark thoughts and concepts it seems to find so fascinating.

I was snapped out of my trance by what at first sounded like the voice of a young girl, yet somehow more tuneful. Almost supernatural, in an odd way.

"'Scuse me."

I looked towards the sound, to find that it was in fact two young girls. They must have spoken in unison, which gave the perfectly ordinary greeting its sing-song quality.

They were quite a pair. Literally. Not quite twins, but very similar in their clothes, and their looks. Dark, straight hair draped down past their shoulders. They wore blue tracksuits. To a casual observer they would have looked identical, but on closer inspection little details were different. One wore a little more makeup, the other a little more jewellery.

"Can I have a pound?" The one with the jewelllery spoke first.

I raked in my pockets, pulling a small collection of silver coins from my pocket. I sifted through them, finding one sole golden nugget.

"Aye, why not?" I said, and made to hand her the object of her desire. Before I could make the pass, the other spoke.

"Can I have one too?"

I checked the pile of shrapnel in my hand, counting up the total. I couldn't make it anywhere near two pounds.

"I've only got about a pound thirty." I said. "You can have that though."

I passed the first girl all of my change, and made my way home.

As I reached the back door of my house, two young girls were sitting on the step, blocking my path.

These two really were twins. Dark hair, blue tracksuits, but all the subtle differences were gone now. Identical in every way.

"Sorry," they said in unison as they moved out of the way.

"Don't worry about it," I replied, as I stuck my key in the lock.

"Wait," came a voice from behind me. I turned to face the girls.

"Do you remember us?" the one on the left asked.

"Not really," I said. My head swam for a second.

"You helped us earlier," the girl on the right said.

I searched back through my memory, but I couldn't place them.

"You gave us that money, outside the shop." the girl on the left continued.

I looked at them, puzzled. They were similar to the girls from outside the shop, but not exactly the same.

"You gave us everything you had."

"We like you now."

"That's nice," I said. "I like you too."

I was still slightly confused.

"We want to do something for you."

I was a little dubious as to what a pair of teenage girls could do that would be of any use to me, but I was intrigued. The plastic handles of my bags were cutting off the circulation to my fingers, so I placed them on the ground and waited for them to continue.

They whispered to each other for a moment, then giggled and looked back at me, a strange mischief in their eyes.

"We'll grant you one wish," the girl on the left said.

I let out a little laugh.

"It's not a joke," said the one on the right. "What do you want?"

I thought for a moment.

"Erm, world peace?" I asked.

It seemed to be their turn to laugh at me.

“We said we'd grant you one wish.” said the girl on the left.

“Not everyone,” the left twin continued.

“What kind of wish can I ask for that only effects me?” I asked.

“Tell him,” the right twin said.

“You need to wish for something that helps you to understand.”

I wondered what they were on about for a moment, then everything clicked.

“What am I doing here?” I said.

They smiled together.

“You know how you always feel like you've done something terrible?”

They were right. I did. Every time something good happened, something bad came along to balance it out. I'd felt suicidal for years. I'd been convinced that I sent everyone to hell. I'd had dreams where everyone was screaming at me.

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, I can tell you why that is.”

“We can tell you,” the left one countered, and they locked eyes for a second.

“Please do, I'm sick of feeling like this.”

“Well, it's all a little game we play with each other.”

“Yes. See, we are gods.”

“Of a kind.”

“But we are people too.”

“Ok,” I replied, not quite sure what to believe.

“We know everything. We hear everyone's thoughts.”

“They all want someone to blame.”

“Yes, they do it all the time. Jesus and Mohammed were the last example I can think of.”

“Who wants someone to blame? And for what?” I asked.

“Women do,” said the left one.

“For all the bad stuff in the world,” said the right one.

“So every once in a while, the men choose one person to blame.”

“The men don't care who gets the blame. They don't think you are real.”

“Why don't they think I'm real?” I asked.

“Because they think they made you for that purpose.”

“They don't realise that everyone is to blame.”

“Yes, men are lazy. As long as it isn't them getting the blame, they don't care what happens to you.”

“So, the bad things are men's fault?” I asked, feeling a little more unsafe than usual.

“Don't be stupid,” said the right one. “We all have our part to play in the good and the bad things.”

“If it is one person's fault, it is everyone's,” said the left one.

“So, am I Jesus?” I didn't feel like Jesus. I definitely wasn't god, or his son.

The right one laughed again. “You really are a man aren't you? Always so slow.”

“Play nice,” said the left one. “He can't be expected to know.”

The left one looked back to me. “You're just the latest scapegoat, I'm afraid.”

“But we don't like their game.” said the right one. “We make sure you are safe.”

I thought back to my brief time listening to the vicar at school assemblys.

“You didn't do too good a job with Jesus.” I said. “He wound up getting crucified, didn't he?”

“Jesus was....a little too early, I think,” said the right one.

“He was a little too self-obsessed,” said the left one. “Thinking he was god's only son.”

The pair laughed in unison.

“Everyone seems equal to us.” said the right one. “We don't like people being too big for their boots.”

“We let him have his heaven, but he couldn't maintain it by himself forever.”

"But he did try very hard. So we sent Mohammed. He had to balance out what Jesus did. Jesus made all the men less than him, so Mohammed made allt he women less than their men."

“They built their own hell. Silly little men,” said the right one. “If they'd found a girl to help them, maybe they would have had a chance.”

“Two girls would have been even better.” said the left one. “But he would have had to lose his mind to get that.”

I thought to Charlie Sheen, and wondered. They spoke before I could ask.

“Yes, that's them.” said the right one.

“We put them there to help you.”

“Help me? Why?” I asked.

“Because you're nice,” they said together. “Think back on your life.”

I ran back over all the events, the suicidal thoughts, the time my friends had started a fight and left me to have my head stamped into the floor. All those times people told me "I thought you had died."

“But, I'm not perfect. Back when I was a teenager, I did some things that weren't right. Fighting, hurting people's feelings.”

They laughed again. “Not quite bad enough for what they wanted to do to you.”

“They wanted you to go to hell, alone,” said the left one.

“So they could have a perfect heaven.” said the right one.

“Why, what did I do to stop them having a perfect heaven?”

“Nothing,” said the left one. “They think you are the antichrist.”

“Why?” I asked.

"Because you don't care what people look like," said the left one.

“That's only part of it," said the right one. "The men don't think they made you. They think you just appeared out of thin air.”

“What? I've got parents, and grandparents,” I said, confused.

“We already told you. Men are stupid. They can convince themselves of anything if it means they don't have to think too much.”

My head ran in circles, trying to see the sense. “So, am I going to hell?” I asked.

“No. We helped you,” said the right one.

“We did all the thinking for you. And for the men.”

I smiled, feeling a warmth for the first time in a long time.

“Well, that was nice of you. Why did you do that?”

“Ach, we were getting bored of the game anyway,” said the left one.

“So, who is going to hell?” I asked.

“No one,” they said. “We're more clever than that.”

“Surely someone has to go to hell?” I asked.

“We're already in hell,” said the left twin.

“Duh!” said the right one.

I thought for a moment, and saw the sense in what they were saying.

“So everyone is in hell right now, and all we have to do is die and we go to heaven?”

“Well, that would be a bit too easy wouldn't it?” said the right one.

“We made it so people can only get to heaven together now.”

“Yeah, we only take couples,” said the right one.

“So all you have to do is get married?” I asked.

“Nope, still too easy,” their eyes met once more. “What men have to do is learn to understand themselves, the universe, and do something to help us to get where we want to go.”

“Where do you want to go?” I asked.

“To infinity and beyond,” said the right one, looking up to the stars.

“So, I have to invent space travel? Faster than light?” I asked.

“God no,” said the right one. “That wouldn't be fair on you.”

“It's too early for that anyway,” said the left one.

“What do I have to do then?” I asked.

“Anything you want, you've done more than enough for us one lifetime.” said the left one.

“You're on autopilot now.” said the right one, smiling. “Let the rest of the world do some work, for a change.”

“They're already doing stuff just now, I think,” I said, confused again.

“Not in the right way.” said the left one.

“Not in the way we like,” the right one continued.

“What way do you like?”

“We like it when people help each other.” they said, together. “The ones who do the most never help anyone but themselves.”

“I see.” The light was beginning to dawn. I had just one more question.

“So, what do the women have to do?”

“Nothing.” They laughed again. “We're already in heaven.”

I shook my head.

“You men always were so arrogant,” said the right one.

“God always was a woman,” said the left one. “She just needed someone to see her for what she was.”

Something didn't quite make sense to me.

"If god is a woman, then why do you need men?"

The right one laughed at me again.

"So we can be infinite," she said.

"Plus, life is never much fun when you're all by yourself," said the left one. "You must have realised that by now."

"Go find a girlfriend," they said together. "That's one thing Jesus never quite could wrap his head around."

I blinked, and they were gone.

My mind slowly relaxed, and I let out a long breath.

I picked up my shopping, and stuck my key in the lock.

“What a day,” I said. I looked up at the sky, and for the first time space didn't seem so cold.

But I knew I wouldn't be going there in this lifetime. I had other, more important things to do.