its not easy bein green

I fell in love. Not like some fling you get over in a month or two. Not like the feeling you get when you see that guy at the gym with the really tight shirt on. Not the kind you see in movies and read about in books. It was love that has made my life more and more difficult by the day, something I couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard I tried. It was as if each day I was getting tortured slowly by the person that possessed my heart. No one could help me from this form of torture, I had no way out and I knew I was trapped forever. But this entrapment and that one person that held my heart for so long is the best thing that ever happened to me. And each day, I looked forward to being tormented.
         They say love doesn’t come easy but I like to think it came pretty easy for me. The first time I set my eyes on my “possessor” time stopped. My best friend laughed at me when I told her this she says that that kind of thing doesn’t really happen to people or its was just my imagination. Well I thank my imagination for slowing down time for me that day. It makes for a good story. When I finally snapped back into reality that day I knew something crazy had happened. One thing i did believe the movies portrayed correctly was love at first sight. Although I thought myself crazy, I knew my life would be changed forever.
         Many times I tried to convince myself that this is just some juvenile, teenage, same old same old love story. Not many teenage girls do that I don’t think. But after four years of being so in love with someone you can’t wake up one day without the first thing you think about is them and the last thing you see at night is their face, you pretty much give up on the fact that what your feeling isn’t real.
         What about this mystery torturer that I speak of so much? Well let’s just say that he does his unofficial job very well. I really don’t think there are enough trees in the world to describe the person that haunts my dreams every night. The first thing was his sense of humor. Many people think that’s a horrible reason to love someone but I think it’s one of the best reasons in the world. Someone that can make you laugh, I mean really laugh, there is no way around not loving them. It’s almost unexplainable. Second is something that is most definitely can’t be explained; I’ll do the best I can. Many people don’t see him the same way I do. Somehow I feel as if I can really see into his big beautiful heart that resides in his chest, and not many people I don’t think can see it. If only they did they would see what a good, caring person he really is. He just has a rough exterior that you have to slowly chip at, and after chipping for so long, I feel as if even if I wanted to fall out of love with him, it would be entirely impossible. The last reason that had me fallen in love was his eyes. They were so warm. I could tell exactly what he was thinking just by the way he was looked at me with those eyes, they spoke to me so clearly no actual words had to ever be said. And they never were.
         Although falling in love was easy as they say it is, they neglect to tell you the rest of the time is incredibly hard, especially when you’ve fallen in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, or at least they like to tell themselves that. I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t feel so strongly for someone if I didn’t feel that deep down inside they felt the same way about me. It only makes sense right? I’m still waiting for the day when he will confess his love to me in a completely romantic way and it will be just as I imagine it would. But how long will it take? I can only wait around for so long.
         I feel angry. Hurt. Betrayal. Deep love. Complete. Warm. Cold. Tired. It’s possible to feel two completely different feelings at the same exact time. I’ve found that out throughout the years of my anguish. I think I have loved someone so much and hated someone so much at the same time you would think me crazy. If only you knew. So many nights I cry and question myself what I’m doing, why can’t I just tell him how I feel? What is holding me back? Fear of rejection? Maybe. Maybe I’m not really in love? I doubt it. Most people that are in love want to shout it from a mountain and tell everyone they know. Not me. I have been tortured and unable to tell a soul about it, it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is not tell anyone how I feel.
         After all the crap we have been through encounters between us has gotten to the point of awkward. We both know we have things to talk about but never get the chance to do it. Maybe we are both two cowards and are too afraid. But honestly I just want to talk to him, put everything behind us and move on once and for all. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. Maybe moving on isn’t an option for us anymore, maybe we are past the point of no return and never talking to one another would be the best idea. I am completely convinced that would be the worst thing for us. We can’t get enough of each other. I just want to spend every hour of every day with him.
         Sometimes though it’s just better to give up. Sounds cowardly I know but maybe in this case it’s the only way to move on. No matter what though your first love will always have your heart forever, no matter what happens they will always have a spot in your heart. They say love lasts forever, and if it doesn’t last forever it was never love. I know it will last forever, sometimes you just know.