S u i c i d e

I stared at the picture of us.  I remember the night perfectly.  I remember every night perfectly, but this particular night had been nothing short of amazing.  I watched us, as if watching a movie, moving through the crowd, hands held.  She stopped at the door and picked up the camera, held it out and snapped a picture.

My memory stopped and I was still staring at the picture.  I held it in my left hand and my eyes slowly moved to my right hand, holding an orange BIC lighter.  My stomach turned and I felt dizzy.  My thumb moved and there was flame.  All I had to do was move my hands together and I yet somehow, I could not.

Slow music played in the background.  I was losing myself to it.  I could feel the change within myself.  I knew that I was on the downward spiral and was taking the even steeper part down now.  I was losing more control of myself even quicker than I would have imagined that I could have. 

The picture fell out of my hand and landed upside down.  The flame went out as I dropped the lighter as well.  My body did not move however, and I stared at the apartment that was ours.  My thoughts drifted to my previous counselor telling me that I had a chemical imbalance.  I never took the medicine.  I wish I had.  Given the opportunity, I would take it now, but it's too late now.

"GIVE UP!"

The thought shattered my thought process.  I reached for my beer and polished it off.  The same song started over again because I had it on repeat.  I had the perfect receipe for disaster here.  Sad music, perfect memories captured within photos, drugs, and alcohol. 

I reached over for my phone to see what time it was.  Two-twenty-two in the morning.  "Funny, three two's."  No new messages, no missed calls, nothing on my public online profile.  "I can't take much more of this."

The thought led to a solution.  A solution that I have used for my insomnia for years.  Beer, pain pills, and sleeping pills.  The right combination to have a sound sleep for at least a couple of hours.  At least enough to get me through the night so that I can wake up in the morning. 

My dogs followed me every step of the way.  I reached in the fridge and grabbed another beer.  "Fuck it."  I grabbed another.  I drowned the first one and opened the second.  Time for receipe item number two.

Again, my dogs stayed on my heels and followed me into the restroom.  I stared at myself in the mirror for a second before becoming disgusted with myself.  "You know you're wrong."  I opened up the cabinet and pulled down the bottles.  Pain pills, two different kinds, and sleeping pills.  It will have to work.  Two each of the pain pills, twelve sleeping pills.  A little more than I should but I need to make sure that I get to sleep soon so that I can wake up in the morning.

"Do you WANT to wake up in the morning?"

A shiver ran through my veins and creeped up my back and down my shoulders.  Every day, and every night I dreamed of dying.  Whether it be suicide or a car accident, it was nothing new to see myself dead at least once or twice a day.  My day dreams haunted me.  It's hard not to believe that something isn't right when you see it at least once a day.  It seems like the logical solution... Dad did it...

I sat down on the edge of my bed and stared for what seemed an eternity.  An image of myself laying on the bathroom floor, pills surrounding me, drifted through my head.  I watched the short film that my mind played for me and then finally snapped out of it.

"I need help now."

I walked to the living room and picked up my phone.  I text three or four people and sat it back down.  "I should call them...  I should call mom... "

I sat down on the couch and pictured the call to my mom.  What would I say?  How do you tell your mom that you're on the verge of killing yourself?  Just because I'm in a desperate need of help, should I sacrifice my mothers little time of sleeping because she has to work in the morning... 

It's now after three-thirty in the morning.  "She won't be happy... she'd be happy to help...  call her."  I looked down and I was holding the house phone that my mother has.  I shook my head and looked down again and was now holding my cell phone.  I dialed the number, but only let it ring twice before hanging up.

"Why am I still awake!?"  I need more sleeping pills.  I went in the restroom again, dogs following me every step of the way.  I looked in the mirror and stared at the lost in the mirror.  Tears ran down the face and his eyes were red.  He shook as he cried and then looked away.  I reached for the sleeping pills and poured them in my hand.  Quick counting - must be about twelve of them.  That should do it.  I tilted back my head and finished them off with beer.

My hands rested on the counter and suicide ran through my mind.  "Oh God, am I really doing this?  Is this really the end?"  I had to call her.  If this was my last chance to do so, I had to hear her beautiful voice just one last time.  I pulled out my phone and called her.  No answer.  Tears came running harder and my sobs deeper as the thought that I wouldn't even get to tell her bye came to mind.  I called again, still no answer.  I guess she'll just have to wake up to this voicemail... "that's really shitty Tyler."

Beep.  I sighed and sobbed and tried to control my breathing... "Baby, I just... I just... wanted to say that you meant everything to me...  and... and... I... guess this is... really is going..."  I cried uncontrollably and tried to regain my strength, "to be my final goodbye."  I hung up and lost it.

The crying and sobbing, hypervention went on for what seemed to be forever.  "I don't know what else to do but end it."  I reached up and knocked over all three pill bottles and took a handful.  My hands were soaking wet and so the pills stuck to my hand.  "Stop!"  I looked in the mirror and felt like I was no longer in my body.  I had lost all control.  This is what it feels like at the end, when you know you shouldn't do something and yet have no power to stop it.

"Do it."  I forced all them down and sat there staring at the ground.  Time to end this, and I took another handful.  And then another.

I phased in and out.  I saw myself standing over the counter staring at more pills.  I looked up in the mirror and saw myself standing on the roof of a downtown hightower.  There was someone there but I could only see there hand as if I was seeing myself through the eyes of someone else.  It was me.  I was watching myself jump through the eyes of another.  I watched myself push away the hand that was apparently my own, and then watched as I hurled the edge and fall.  My vision instantly switched back to me, and I was thinking how beautiful the wind felt and how amazing the view was, and how quickly it was coming to an end.  I was granted a vision and I saw myself years down the road with a beautiful girl, and holding a magnificent baby boy in my own arms.  My thoughts were steered backwards and I all of a sudden wanted to give time a chance and I wanted that chance to live that life, but it was too late cause I choose to jump off a building, and now it was time to hit the bottom...

I suddenly came to and realized I didn't want to kill myself.  I could get through this... if I can live through this.  I reached for the phone and it rang.  Scared I dropped it and then fumbled trying to pick it up...  I didn't even look to see who it was, I knew who it was that I could rely on. 

"Mom... don't ask questions... call... call... 911... hurry."

"Son?  What's WRONG!?"

I hung up the phone and sat it to the side... Hurry mom...

I was laying on the bathroom floor now, feeling paralyzed but not able to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep and for some reason, I could not.  I could hear the phone going off and yet I couldn't reach for it.  I wanted to talk to mom but I couldn't move... I wanted to sleep, anything just to sleep...

Time was just a glimmer of a wink now, it felt as though I had just landed on the floor, and then...

KNOCK! KNOCK!  "Police open up!" 

My voice came out weak as I tried to tell them to come in.  The dogs started barking like crazy and I couldn't hear my voice over their loud barks.  "Just come in and hurry" I thought to myself.

Another knock and another warning.  "We're here to help you please open up!"  I phased in and out again.  I could see myself walking through a forest... I was lost.  I wasn't sure how I had landed in the middle of the forest, but I was off the beaten path and had no tools and no clue where to go.  I closed my eyes and begged the Lord to guide me...

"Sir, are you okay?  This is the police..." I could hear his voice getting closer.  He was in.  "SIR!?  Tell them to get up here now!"

I closed my eyes and rested.  They made it.  I hope they made it in time.  I hope they made it in time...  I hope they...  made it...