F r e s h . S t a r t

I took another swig of the beer and laid it back down.  I was sitting at my computer and just staring at the keyboard.  I was in the process of trying to figure out what it was that I wanted to do before I got tired.  I knew that it would still be another hour or two.

Reaching for my cigarettes I accidentally knocked over the bottle of "happy pills" that I was given by a family member.  The pills hit the computer desk and fell to the floor.  A haunting reminder of just a couple of nights ago when my bathroom was littered with pills after attempting at the unthinkable.  Frustrated at the thought, I silently sighed and rolled my eyes. 

After picking them up, I opened the box of cigarettes and pulled one out.  I held the lighter up and caught the end of the cigarette on fire.  It was funny to me that I started smoking only two years ago and had previously sworn my entire life that I would never smoke.  Here I am, twenty-six years old and addicted to cigarettes. 

A tear rolled out of my left eye.  It had been a long night and it was only bound to get longer.  I hated these nights.  I hated nights in general.  Nights meant being alone.  A long yawn and I finished off the remainder of my beer.  My body may be tired but my mind was running over a hundred miles a minute.  It was flying.  This however, is nothing new, and comes as no surprise to me. 

My eyes were constantly tearing up now.  I had stopped looking at pictures of her hours ago but they were still burned into my vision.  My heart was killing me.  My thoughts were making it worse.  Every happy memory was flooding me, and it was making the pain excruciating.  Like someone had recently told me, everything reminded me of her.  Even some of the new songs that I had recently picked up somehow reminded me of her. 

I know that life isn't fair, yet somehow I wish I had the ability to fast forward through this shitty time.  That's part of life and I can deal with it.  I'm not looking for pity.  Maybe just a hand to help pull me back up when I fall down.  I'm starting at the bottom of a mountain and working my way just to where everyone else is standing.  Funny, about a month ago I was on top of the mountain looking down on them.  I suppose all good things come to an end at one point or another, and everybody must tumble down this mountain, and then work on climbing back up it.

I was still staring at my keyboard.  Smoke was barreling out of my ashtray, I had forgotten about my cigarette.  I tapped the long ashes off it and took a long drag.  I held it in my hand.  If my life was a cigarette then my fire safety had kicked in and put out my life for a minute.  Someone, or God, grabbed a lighter and set it back on fire.  I better stop letting it burn out and enjoy every drag of life.

The sad songs had ceased to play from my computer.  I had my music set on my entire library and was playing songs on random.  Somehow it was playing just the right songs for my mood and was probably making it a lot easier to be depressed.  However, one of Snow Patrol's more upbeat songs had just started playing, and it was perfect for my change of mood.

A smile creased my face.  Not necessarily from happiness though.  I got up and grabbed my keys.  It would do me good to get out and enjoy a late night drive.  I shut the dogs in their cage and skipped down the steps.  After shutting the door and locking it, I turned around and smelled the night air.  It was perfect.  It had just rained and smelled like a fresh start. 

I looked up and stared at what little stars I could see.  "Please just take this pain from my heart."