Test: I am myself

Dear Layla,

Greetings, my good friend, how have you been? I am fine though I still find it hard to ascertain how ‘fine’ I am as before all the previous three letters we have exchanged. Yet, things are becoming tense here and I sense it is only a matter of time before something erupts amidst all this.

I apologize if my reply to you has been late. I have been trying to muster an adequate answer for that peculiar question from your last letter. I must admit that even to my standards and knowledge of your own personality. Your question of whether I dislike you or not intrigued me yet I find it not surprising from you, my good friend. Maybe life has not been treating you well.  This probably has come due to the pressure that you have been feeling, the insecurity of your emotions and your fears about your future or possibly something different altogether.  Whatever it is, I must simply give you an answer of ‘No’.

As for why such a simple yet abstract answer, it is simply because you have not reached the level which I deemed you as worthy of such treatment. Even with your erratic depressions, only indifference seems to fit for you if I were to force to say that I dislike you. Your latest visit proved my statement though I must apologize for giving you some grievances, especially when I refused to give you an answer till now. Now that I have given you my answer, please continue on to read my own questions and statements which you may find quite interesting if not redundant to you.

Why would you ask such a question to me in the first place?

I apologize if this may sound too impulsive or brooding but your question had given me some seeds which have developed into food for thoughts. I am a man of questionable nature to most, if not all, of my fellowmen. My character can be that of many. I could be the greatest of a friend to those of I care yet I can be as vicious as cold to those that have done me wrong; I could also be as calm and cool as a gentle winter or become the raging storm that threatens the land with destruction.  Of course, all normal men have such traits. Allow me to be a bit more elaborative, Layla.

Since I was a young boy and during my school days, I have always been ostracized by my fellow peers. No matter how hard I tried to make friendships, it all becomes nigh.  I tried to come up with plausible reasons of being in those situations, asking many questions to those same peers, only to receive ignorance or vague answers – that is if I was even lucky to get the latter.

This continued on for a few years with several attempts to befriend those that were not with my group, bullying from others that were dealt with fierce and brutal ways (which the strength of my anger stems from) and continued ostracization. The next few years saw me in worse propositions: fights that threatened to put me in further disorder and ostracization, some tempting me to initiate the fights, most with many foes against me alone and my battle against myself to not be murderous, both to others and to myself.

Those years were hard to me and yet I never realized it would appear between intervals where I shall face that form of Hell and years of peace and enlightment. However, as I grew older, I also learn to understand and assess situations, discovering ways to cope with myself and others. In fact, I actually look for love as a form of escape from my torment though I made a fool out of myself countless times, half of which I was oblivious till it was too late. Yet, when my resignation finally came in, I found myself swooping for another girl who would in the future be my lovely wife.

Life works in such strange ways… It is hard for me to understand it even after all these years. Nevertheless, when my future wife moved to another country, I was thinking of several ways to reach her even with the unstable finances my family was trapped in. I went headlong into another few years of studies, determined to reach her even if it meant the end of my life. I had thought this would be a much easier case compared to my previous years of studies. I was totally wrong.

It did not occur to me the consequences of my rash actions. I had honestly thought I would be able to create a greater number of acquaintances. While the studies have leave me knowledgeable in the field we were studying, the slow ostracization from my new peers, the fears and nightmares of the past, the stress that was the culmination of many activities and issues that I participated and caught in; they slowly turned my mind into an emotional state, sometimes sapping my energy and confidence out of my hollow husk.

Yet, it was these years that have led me to realize a late yet resounding revelation. For years, I have tried hard to cope with society, to fit into its norms which seem so restricting or downright odd at times as when it was understandable at others. I have tried to be apart of the society with hopes to be accepted as a part of it. Those attempts have left me weak with mental and emotional fatigue, sometimes physical if I have caught myself into dangerous situations.  Yet despite all that effort, society does not seem to accept me as one of them, giving me more frustrations and making me more determined into achieving it.

The revelation was that it was not my fault that society would not accept me. It was that society would not accept who I was. Despite all my attempts into following the norm, I would always remain to my true self, happy as ever that I know I was myself and others are their own selves. Yet society frowned upon my eccentricities, insulting me while alienating from activities. And when my temper arose itself, it only gave them further reason to continue the ostracization.

If my answer is not clear, allow me to make it so right here, dear Layla. I am myself, forever myself and will always be myself who will keep improving himself, not for the greater good of societies which were subtly deemed ‘for my own good’; but for only myself to remain as a happy person that will keep going through life. While others seem to have differing opinions about each other, be it good or bad, it is us who can save ourselves from our racking pains with the assistance of others. We may do things that makes others dislike us, hate us, alienate us or do whatever that they can throw at us. However, to be ourselves, we actually protect ourselves and must ensure that it is something that is good for everyone and not that of evil.

It maybe hard to swallow such abstract opinions but hear me here: society may hold the bonds into causing us more grievances; it does not stop us from moving away from them. They may think they have rid a pest among themselves but to those that left, it maybe for the better of the two groups since we preserve who we are. And because we are who we are, we can maintain our own self or even improve on our flaws to the best we can. 

While people say people do not live on islands, it never stopped society into putting people into such islands. Thus, if we are placed in such situations, it will be a long, arduous journey into building up a habitable place. However hard it maybe though, should we be triumphant amidst these islands, we shall rejoin society, not to return to be a part of them, but to be with society.

I hope you will take such knowledge into mind. It may or may not help you in answering my question. In fact, I believe I rambled enough to make you not to. I sincerely hope that by the time this letter reaches you and once the contents have been read, you can empathize with what I have shared with you.

May you be well in both health and mind.

From your faithful friend,
Louie Alfaronso.