The Journey Of Fear

The topic of fear announced for discussion in a recent Spiritual Newsletter, provoked anxiety, some trepidation, and (of course) fear. Should I read this? Will it evoke MORE anxiety, more worry, more fear?

I found the discussion well researched, pulling in quotes from writers and other known figures. The inclusion of specific events from the lives of Jesus and The Apostles illuminated how fear overcame the Biblical figures we assume were almost perfect human beings. And, most interesting was the article explaining the historical role of "appropriate" fear in response to survival itself. Today, as explained, we are ruled by pure emotion, unable to judge "true" danger, and our imagined social "catastrophes".

When I was younger, I was painfully shy around people. I carried a nervousness and insecurity in unfamiliar settings.
But I was never fearful. I grew up with kind, strong, intelligent parents. My father had a military career. At age 12 I lived in Northern Italy. For two wonderful years, I lived in a small village below the foothills of the Alps. I learned the language. I had friendships with young Italian people who spoke little English, as I spoke little Italian. One would think I would have been afraid of a new culture, language, food. But I hiked the hills in the Alps; I learned to ski in Cortina, Italy. I traveled to Venice, Florence. I went to my first opera in an open amphitheater (I've been told I saw La Boheme' in a very famous opera venue.) I traveled all through Europe, including Vienna, Austria, Spain, France, London, England. After Italy, I moved to Germany for two more years. This was more culture shock. But I loved the language, the culture, the beer, the food, the rain. I traveled to Berlin (during the Communist rule), Hamburg, Munich, Frankfurt, and also England, and Holland. I had no fear of walking the streets alone, of meeting other teenagers, of traveling by train, of trying new adventures, new food, exploring everything.

In college I had normal insecurity, but never experienced fear. After college, I feared CHANGE. I drove from the Midwest to California. But I had family in California. I began a career I loved, and with family and friends began a wonderful period of travel and discovering new goals. I traveled to many snow ski areas, including the powder in the mountains of Utah, Heavenly Valley in Lake Tahoe, Denver, Colorado.

There is fear when you push yourself and ski black diamond trails; but when you are exhausted at the end of the day, you feel accomplishment. And there is no trading the joy of standing at the peak of a mountain, alone. It is truly a spiritual joy. And racing to get to the bottom of a mountain when the snow is falling and falling, and you have been told there is danger from a storm.

The fear that bothered me the most for years in my life was CHANGE. Perhaps it was sadness or extreme anxiety, rather than fear. I resisted change as long as possible - but learned many lessons about the inevitability of change. I felt I would lose a comfortable place, where I belonged somehow. Friends were never permanent in the military. Folks moved every 6 months. So later I resisted my friends moving, I resisted graduating from college. I feared CHANGE.

Older, and retired, my biggest fears come from looking back at my life, and (growing up Roman Catholic) believing I did not do enough. In Mass, there is a general community confession of sins. Part of it states: "To you my brothers and sisters, I confess to what I have done, and to what I have failed to do....."

My fear comes from: "all I have failed to do".  It is a heavy burden on my heart. I do not fear death, I have been at the bedside of my Mother and sister when their spirits passed on. I FELT angels, spirits and felt their souls, their presence move from a living body to a spiritual joyfulness. I felt joy for them.  However, I fear if, in death I will be worthy to see Jesus, to have a place in His Father's Mansion.

What has helped me IS Faith. Without Faith, we might as well admit life is a sham. "Do not be afraid"...........Jesus, The Blessed Mother, Angels sent to Joseph and Mary.....these words were spoken each time. Jesus assured his Apostles after his resurrection, not be have fear - Jesus said, "I will be with you until the end of time..". Over and over, He comforted those who had Faith.  "Your faith has saved you....".  I also read The Psalms, I open to any page and read poems praising God, asking for mercy, declaring confidence and faith in God's promises. And when I pray at night, I ask the Lord......."Oh Lord, please take away my anxiety and despair, remove any fear, and come into my heart to restore my faith. Thank you for this day, and all the days of my life..."

This is my little essay, blurb, personal look at MY Journey through/about and dealing with FEAR.

The newsletter you wrote, Sophy, gave me more strength, more faith, more ammunition to wrestle these demons of Fear, Anxiety, and Worry.