LURKING: The Medical Benefits

L U R K I N G : AN OVERVIEW

The relationship between primal fear and overall good health has become a controversial topic amongst those in the medical community. There are many who applaud fear-driven therapy as a new “wonder-treatment”, yet there is still a widespread belief that the benefits of these dangerous activities are outweighed by their inherent danger and law enforcement impact.

This Overview shows how ‘lurking’ – as a perceived dangerous activity without any actual criminal intent involved - could be a safe alternative, for a wide variety of disorders which have previously been unresponsive to any other form of treatment.

We have long understood that adrenalin plays a vital role in each of the body’s major support systems. Adrenalin has been shown to increase vitality, improve metabolism, boost heart and lungs, improve circulation, regulate the body’s chemical interactions and positively effect the functionality of the brain.

While there are many fear-producing activities that can promote the production of adrenalin, few of these can truly offer the wide spectrum of benefits - to the body and mind – as effective, regular lurking under the supervision of a doctor.

Lurking has been defined as “loitering with intent”, and is fast becoming an accepted part of diagnosis & treatment, from medical practitioners in many health sectors.

Psychologists prescribe various forms of lurking in order to treat such conditions as low self esteem, geekism, megalomania, identity mismanagement, mid life crisis, depression, life-induced boredom, gangster envy and feelings of criminal inferiority.

Doctors in other areas of health also offer lurking as an option to those suffering from a multitude of medical conditions, from vitamin D deficiency through to heart murmur.

The most effective forms of lurking involve the patient standing around suspiciously, leaning on others’ property in a proprietory way, gathering in iconically antisocial groups in public places, and other acts which arouse public concern for safety.

The more attention a lurker is able to attract, whilst remaining free of prosecution for any actual offense, the greater the therapeutic benefit.

The study of lurking began with the realisation that “a healthy fear” is actually a valid principle. Doctors have exhaustively studied the health effects which manifest in those who live in permanently dangerous or stressful situations, and found this group to be stronger, more fit, more able to resist disease, more effective at dealing with stress, and less likely to die from heart attack or stroke.

Sufficient lurking has actually been found to neutralise the detrimental effects of self-harming activities such as smoking, drug taking, and general stroppiness around people who may react violently.

Some doctors have found that patients who have been ill for most of their lives are miraculously cured when treated with regular bouts of high-profile lurking. These “weekend gangsters” have provided the case studies from which a new depth of information has been assembled, which in turn has saved many lives and improved quality of life for multitudes.

Contrary to popular belief, lurking is not associated with drugs or alcohol. True addicts tend to avoid lurking, as they have real reason to evade the authorities. High-grade lurkers have no actual criminal intent. They never carry drugs, or tools which could be used for break-in crimes.

As a group, lurkers are not known to be dangerous or violent. In fact, the more noticable the lurker, the less likely that he or she presents any danger at all. The negative attention derived from lurking is the payoff.

This negative attention is often sought due to a lack of positive attention in the patient’s life. In situations of domestic discord, disappointing progress at school or the workplace, the death of a loved one (leading to feelings of insecurity), or sexual frustration, lurking can produce such positive effects that the patient’s health and wellbeing can often be completely restored.

Lurking is a treatment which is available to the masses. It costs nothing. No medicines are required, although benzodiazapenes are often prescribed if panic attacks are an issue.

Some veteran lurkers describe this activity as “living the dream”. As one lurker explains:

“Lurking has really worked for me. I used to be such a geek. If I was early for an appointment, I was the type who would sit unseen in the car with the windows wound up and the doors locked. But now I wonder why anyone would do that when they could lurk… you know, just kind of slink around in the back of the carpark, in the peripheral shadows, and pretend to be planning something really brutal. You make sure all they can see is the glow of your cigarette in the darkness behind the bushes or something. It’s very inspiring.”

Another patient recounts:

“I sometimes enjoy standing outside the bank with a couple of mates. We wear bullet proof vests under our shirts, and appear to be planning an armed robbery. It scares the crap out of people. They often call the police, who know us now and just shake hands when they arrive. I feel so much better now.”