Biography of a depressed girl

She always smelt of antidepressants. Her hair was messy and uncared for, like garden weeds. Every day, she woke up to the same kind of morning, where the rising of the sun had no significance other than being a constant cosmic event, which had to occur. The world seemed to be full of withering flowers and buildings crumbling because of acid rain. There was no solace even in looking at the blooming flowers because the painful realization that they would also die someday accompanied her vision.

There was no real cause for her depression. She was just depressed. After all, wasn’t it just a matter of time before this world started affecting you? She had no will to live. What was there to look forward to? She was not beautiful, or smart, nor did she have any strong qualities which could cover for her weaknesses.

The chair, the table, the stones had a much better existence than her. They didn’t have to worry about being eaten up by emotions. They had no feelings or troubling thoughts to keep them awake and eating anti-depressants at night. Time seemed to flow so slowly, that it could almost be ignored. She wanted to be a star, not a celebrity or a super star, but the kind that populate the universe and convert hydrogen to helium by nuclear fission.

In the space and time that she inhabited, life was a routine. Even feelings had to fall into a routine. There were boundaries beyond which she could never dream of reaching. There were unofficial limits to how far she could think.

Falling into her routine, she switched on the television to watch the same actors and actresses doing the same kind of things. Only the clothes and hairstyles were different this time? Didn’t they get bored? Life had lost its meaning in this repetition. Nothing could shake her dormant heart to start beating with vigor again. Nothing could awake her mind to see the possibilities. It was a black hole, from which there was no return. Hadn’t she heard that song before? It sounded so clichéd.

Thoroughly bugged by the stuff on television, she switched it off and picked up her pen. She started scribbling poems on the paper, but after a while they wouldn’t come anymore. Her mind was empty. No matter how much she told it to wake up and do something, it never did.

She hadn’t always been like this. But then, when she was young, there were new things everyday. Time moved faster than the speed of light. The future was so close, she could have touched it.

She didn’t go to school anymore. Her parents were afraid of letting her out of the room, because wherever she went, she would just look for a way to end her meaningless being. All her friends were satisfied living a life where they did what everyone else was doing. But then, they were lucky…. Shallow feelings and impulses could make their heart beat. They didn’t think so much about everything. The universe was so wide and varied. Yet, how could she have been born here, as this?

If she died, then would she become an eternal part of the matter? She didn’t want to be reborn into this vicious trap of being human again.

She collapsed on her bed and looked around for something to take her life with. Her medicines sat on the table near her window. She emptied all of them onto her bed and swallowed them on by one. Her throat seemed to constrict. She felt she couldn’t eat anymore, but she forced herself to eat. This was her golden ticket to a life free for misery and meaninglessness.

Finally, she closed her eyes and took flight to a new world.