Taking A Look Outside

Her name was Laura, long brunette hair and brown eyes. Laura had a love for people that no one understood but herself. Laura was very giving in her time, and with what she had to offer. Laura never judged anyone for anything because she felt that people make choices in this world and they have to learn to live with the choices that they make themselves, that is how they learned. She knew this fact all too well.

Laura was brought up in a very strict home with very strict parents. When she became of age to make her own choices, she felt lost. This was an option she did not have when growing into a young adult. Laura was invited to parties and was able to meet some friends, all of which her parents did not approve of. Laura became friends with a guy named Gill and they became best friends. They could talk about anything and knew it would go nowhere but between them. They started going to the gym and taking certain classes offered by the school together.

Gill was so much like Laura. That is why they had taken to each other, with a bond that could never be broken. Gill helped people and treated everyone equal. Gill had a quality to life that no one understood either. Gill and Laura became so close that they were together every night just driving around Town or cooking at her Mom's house. Every Friday night they would get together and make home made onion rings and watch a movie. This went on for many years until Gill had found himself a job. Laura was a very good cook and she also got a job at a restaurant. Laura loved her job, as Gill loved his at the lobster pound. The only problem was, distance grew between them except for their Friday night get together.

Gill and Laura had become distant in a sense. Laura had no idea that Gill was having problems and he was drinking every night. Laura had seen a difference in Gill but never questioned it. They were both busy with their jobs and did not have the time to talk like they always did. Laura really felt they needed to talk to Gill, so she called him on Thursday and asked him if he would like to go out like old times because so many months had flew by. He agreed but when he picked Laura up, he had two girls in the backseat and he had been drinking. This was the first time Laura had seem him this way. Gill had asked everyone in the car for money but Laura gave him none because she knew in her heart what he was going to do with it. The girls in the backseat were drunk and just did not seem to have a care in the world so they gave Gill the money. Gill did exactly what Laura thought he would do and he bought more liquor. Gill's driving became very scary and the girls got out, but Laura did not want to leave Gill alone. Laura finally got Gill's keys from him and they went to talk, but Laura did not understand a lot of the points he was trying to make. Gill finally started sobering up and they went for a drive, one Laura would never forget. Gill dropped Laura off with a few friends and he got out of his car and hugged everyone. Some people pushed him away, others accepted his hug. Laura told her friends goodnight and went home for the rest of the evening. Gill drove away and never turned back.

Laura had to go to work very early the next morning. Laura was thinking of Gill as she was cooking pies, chowders and making plans for the day. Laura was at work alone for an hour before the other workers came in for the day. Laura was making blueberry muffins when her help arrived. Laura was humming and enjoying herself, she loved to cook. Laura was also thinking, this is Friday night and Gill will be over to watch a movie with me and we can make onion rings.She smiled about the thought. Laura would usually work double shifts especially on the weekends if her co workers asked her to, she enjoyed her job. Sarah had came to her and asked her if she could work the late night shift as well because she was invited to a party. Laura responded that she could not tonight because Gill was coming over for the evening and she was looking forward to seeing him and talking about old times. Just then, Sarah had screamed out to her as she was walking in the dining room, it will not be tonight honey, he was killed in a car accident at 5 am this morning. Laura dropped everything she was doing and fell to the floor in disbelief. Sarah came back in the kitchen and and asked Laura, "what? You didn't know?" Laura became very sick and had to go home. Laura was in denial about the accident. Even at Gill's funeral she was in denial. Laura reached down and kissed Gill's cheek very gently and said, "I will always remember you my sweet friend."

Laura went home with her parents and spoke not a word. They told her, be strong, be strong. Laura did not know how to be strong, so she shed every tear alone, by herself, for three weeks. Laura had stopped eating, stopped talking to other people and also was still living in denial. One lonely Wednesday night Laura started walking. She walked to the scene of the accident in disbelief and then she had to see his car. Laura walked to the graveyard of Gill's car which was hid behind a fence. Laura sneaked in and there it was right before her eyes, Gill's car. Laura went over and got in and popped the cassette that was playing at the time to find he was listening to their favorite group and song, "Who's gonna drive you home" by The Cars. Laura took the tape and left the graveyard. She finally knew in her heart, Gill is gone! Laura walked and walked. She was so tiny from not eating that no one even recognized her. Laura did not go to work anymore. The thought of giving Gill back his keys was haunting her. If only? she thought. Laura blamed it all on herself. Laura decided to go to the liquor store, she bought a fifth of coffee brandy and she hid it in her jacket. As she walked she drank until she was intoxicated. This became a way of life for Laura to ease the pain.

Laura became very quiet with her thoughts, but she also started living a life she never knew. Laura was drinking every night. She did not care what anyone thought, only easing her pain. The blame she put on herself was overwhelming and there was no way anyone could tell her the difference. She believed what she believed and often went to Gill's grave drunk. Laura's parents had all they could take, so Laura moved out of their house and lived on her own. Laura got to the point that she no longer wanted to listen to her parents or her friends and starting getting Toby to pick up her booze. Laura would fall to sleep drinking every night, it became a pattern. The only problem was, it was no longer helping her. Laura felt like she needed more. She started using drugs to overcome her pain. Laura never left the house for anything, she stayed inside for months. No one ever visited her and no one ever called her on the phone. Laura felt so alone and her heart was broken. How do you heal a broken heart, Laura asked herself. Only one thing entered Laura's mind at this time. She thought, suicide? Yes, maybe that is the answer to my pain. Laura sat alone and looked at the pill bottle for hours. Laura finally decided if Gill can't go on, neither can I, it is my fault! I should of never given him back the keys. Laura went to the kitchen and poured herself a drink and went into the living room and took sixty sleeping pills. Within an hour she was gasping for breath, scared for her life and knew she had done the wrong thing. Laura begged God at this time to help her. Laura fell to the floor, unconscious, and woke up in the hospital the next day. Laura asked what had happened and no one replied. She only thought to herself, if I can get out of here I am going to get drunk. This was the first time in Laura's life that she felt hate towards another person, they would not let her leave. Laura put her clothes on and rushed to the elevator and left the hospital. Laura called a friend to come get her and she went home and became scared of everyone, even the world. No one is going to tell me what to do, she thought. Laura hid for months in her big home, all alone. One day she woke up and asked herself, who do I have anymore? In her mind it was no one but people were praying for her.

Day after day, Laura sat alone with no company and no phone calls. Laura thought, no one cares about me and they never will now. I have been so bad that in my heart I know everyone is just talking about me behind my back. This thought even made it worse for Laura to leave her house. Whenever she did she walked with her head down for being ashamed of what she has done. Laura asked herself, There has to be an answer to this somewhere. Laura was drinking everyday and life no longer had a meaning to her. Laura sat alone and thought about Gill. She was trying to understand a meaning to what had happened. Laura thought and thought, still blaming herself.

One night Laura went to bed without drinking. She finally got to really encounter the whole situation that had happened and finally, she cried. Her feelings had finally come out, she said how sorry she was, got up and went to Gill's grave late at night, all alone. Laura told Gill, "this was not her choice, but it was a choice he had made, and forever in her heart he would be, she would never forget him, but she had to stop blaming herself."

Laura was not in control of the situation, someone else was. Someone beyond her beliefs. When Sunday came, Laura got dressed up and went to church, only to find open arms of everyone there. Laura cried, because in her heart she thought no one cared, but they did. After that day, people were calling, people were coming to her house and comforting her. Laura explained everything she had gone through and the hurt it had caused her. "Gill was like a brother," she said. "He never left me or forsaken me or ever put me down. I was equal to everyone else he knew in this world, and no one could replace me."

That is when my Pastors friend told me, "That is how God works as well Laura. You are a child of His, and He will always be there for you, even if you don't feel it."

Laura had to go away and think about what she had been told and try to realize, this is not my fault anymore. I have to live, and live with the choices I make and I need help. I am not alone, it is hard for me to believe but now I know there are people who care for me and want me to get better and realize this incident was not my fault. Laura knew it was true, but found it very hard to accept.

It was very late one night and Laura decided that she would try talking to God and see what happened. The next day she opened her Bible and a verse was thrown at her. "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings of eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." Laura thought about this for many months and bought many eagle figurines to remind her of this verse. One day her Mom called her and wanted to tell her about a verse in the Bible that she loved and Laura listened quietly. Her Mom started quoting Isaiah 43:1. "When thou passeth through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers; they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." Laura thought, then she realized she had walked through the fire and it was time for to change her life.

The very next day Laura awakened and went to the front window, opening the curtains and understood, that was the day she took a look outside.

The end.

Susan