"Nothing to Lose"

"Nothing to Lose"

I woke up this morning and slowly made my way to the bathroom like I had done so many times before. But today something was different. I reached to turn the water on in the sink and nothing came out of the faucet. Well this was it. I knew that we were slowly becoming lower class; had we made it? I turned around and crept to my parent’s room screaming at the top of my lungs, “WE DON’T HAVE ANY DAMN WATER. NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I CANT GO TO SCHOOL WITHOUT TAKING A SHOWER. GOD I HATE YOU I HATE YOU BOTH SO MUCH. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME AND IF YOU DID THEN THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.” Yeah a little harsh huh? Well I did not realize it then but those would be the last words my parents would ever hear me speak again.



Dear Diary,
I am 16 years old living the life of a 90-year-old woman. I have lived the most hellish life anyone has ever lived. I am ready to throw in my cards. When diary am I to be free? I remember once in a Bob Dylan song he said, “If you don’t have nothing then you have nothing to lose.” I finally realized that those words were the story of my life. After losing everything that has ever meant anything to me there was nothing left to lose. You know when I was four and I lost Wayne my big brother I didn’t think much about it. I guess then I did not realize the meaning of death. They were only words to me. I went around the house for a month asking when Wayne would be coming home from school. When I was seven (the ONLY friend I had and would ever have) died I felt so much pain. At seven I didn’t understand why my best friend had to die. I thought then that maybe I had a curse. By the time I was 15 I was sure of it. Around the time I was nine my family was so broke. We were always getting our utilities shut off and I never had a new outfit to wear to school. You know at first the teasing at school hurt me but I learned quickly that I would just have to get over it. I could not let those kids hurt me, and nothing they said hurt worse then the reality that everything they said was true. So at the age of 12 my mother killed her self. I came home from school and found her in the bathtub. The craziest thing I didn’t even cry. I couldn’t. After my mother was dead my father did not speak one word to me. We lived a whole year in silence and filth. I would not clean and neither would he. I think we realized that we were trash so we might as well have lived that way. At 13 social services came and got me. My dad did not try to stop them. He did not cry, matter of fact he did not even say goodbye. My first foster home was terrible. When my foster father wasn’t raping me I was getting beat by my foster mother. But you know diary I couldn’t say anything because I had nice clothes I had food I had basically just what I wanted. At 15 they took me out of there and placed me in a home with the most wonderful person on earth. Sally was my mother. I knew that somewhere someone had made a mistake and this is where I should have been from the time I was born. We had the time of our lives. Diary I loved her more than anything in this world. On my 16th birthday Sally was hit by a car and died instantly. I was crushed. Now I am with a real nice family but they say I wont be here for long. You know they are right. I’m through diary. I have hurt for too long now. It’s time for me to rest. I believe tonight is the first time I have cried in about 13 years. Do I cry because of pain or joy? Diary I am so scared I don’t know what to do. I am 16 years old but I am not a little girl. I am a woman and I am scared to death. But I know what I must do. This life is not for me not anymore diary. I have been strong for 16 years of my life and I can’t be strong anymore. My whole life and been death diary that’s all I know. I finally realized that all those who have passed along were the luckiest of all. To rid their selves of this world full of pain and suffering. My turn, my turn to be free. I started out with nothing and I am ending my life with nothing. I can’t hold out if I don’t do it now I will only come across more pain more hurt. So I leave you now diary. Thank you. You have listened to all I have to say and you have not once criticized me. Goodbye diary.



To the world which changes everyday,
I must leave I cannot stay.
You have hurt me by and by,
I can’t stay no matter how I try.
Think of me when times are bad,
And the kinda life I had.
Was it you who mad me cry,
Did you make me say goodbye?
No matter now because I am dead
Gone from the life that I lead.

Yours truly,
Lavender Noel Caspiro