No synonyms for memories

I just want to sit. Sit and stare. Stare at the wall. Stare at my phone. Stare at my facebook feed. Just sit. Just stare. But not feel.



I don't want to feel. Feel the disappointment. Feel the embarrassment. Feel vulnerable.



I attempt to not think of my guilt when I think of my regrets.



Guilt for knowing better.



Guilt for doing it anyway.



Guilt for weakness.



Just play my song. The one with the guitar and familiar voice.



I light a menthol to accompany my glass of red wine. Sometimes Cabernet. Sometimes Syrah. For nostalgia, Merlot.



I sip and I smoke.



I absorb the lyrics when my favorite line is sung.



There are no synonyms for memories.



Written in November 2011