How to Survive the Holidays

“Todd, Todd! They’ve taken more!”

“Yes Morely I know, calm down.”

Todd didn’t even raise his head to acknowledge a clearly distraught Morely.

Todd was typically a plump, jovial fellow that was the type to turn a blind eye when someone left work early on a Friday or came in late on a Monday. Being born with the blessing of a Y chromosome, his early signs of aging seemed to add to his overall attractiveness. Since these abductions, however, Todd has become hardly recognizable.

The first disappearance occurred in mid-November and was hardly noticed. The population was so big and with everyone constantly co-mingling, it was easy to overlook. It probably wouldn’t have been realized at all had it not been for the more massive disappearance that occurred two days later. The abductions occurred during the night, right after meal time, when everyone was asleep. Although, the few that saw anything claimed it was the Providers.

The most recent abductions happened just over a week ago. Again a large number were taken at night. Eye witnesses reported that it was the Providers, but could not substantiate the claim with any evidence.

This is where Todd comes in. As one of the senior members of the population, he took it upon himself to investigate the matter further. Of course most believe him to be altruistic, but some believe his motivation is to save his wife Samantha. She was most sought after female in the population prior to their union just a month ago.

Either way, Todd leads the investigation. Skipping both meals and sleep to dedicate more time to it, he has become thin with a pervading look of dull grey.

“I’m sorry for my intrusion,” said Morely starting to exit

“Well, wait there, I’ve a job for you,” said Todd.

“Anything to help. I can’t stand sitting around doing nothing.”

“Alright, go find Gerald, the eldest one, and bring him to me. Do it quickly.” Todd didn’t even glance up from his work.

“Certainly, I’ll be right back. He lives over the hill right by the…”

“Now!” said Todd interrupting.

“Oh yes, of course,” said Morely as he flew away.

Bringing with him Gerald, Morely quickly returned.

“Todd, sir, I’ve brought you…” began Morely.

“Gerald. Thank you Morely, that’ll be all,” said Todd dismissing Morely.

“Thank you for coming Gerald. I typically would never disturb an elder of your status, but I’m afraid the circumstances have caused me to diverge from societal norms.”

“Yes, I am aware of the abductions. I’ve seen it a few times before.”

“Which is precisely why I’ve called upon you. I believe I’ve found a pattern connecting the abductions. I wanted to compare it against your recollections.”

“By all means.”

“Well Gerald, each year these abductions begin in November, peak around the twenty-fifth, subside, then reach another peak around mid to late December. Nearly the entire population will be eliminated, save only a few.”

“That has been my experience. I’ve been blessed to have survived these three years. Don’t get me wrong though, repopulation each year was a joyous yet bittersweet time.”

“I experienced it only once last year. But now that I’ve a wife, I’m trying to ensure both our survivals to the time of repopulation. How have you accomplished it all these years?”

“And finally the feed has hit the gizzard! A turkey can’t hide his true feathers forever now can he?” said Gerald smiling.

Todd cannot even meet the eyes of Gerald.

“To think, everyone wrongly believes you altruistic! But I’ll still help you.”

“Really? Please, and many thank you’s!” said Todd beaming with as much happiness as can be displayed on a nondescript beak and feathered head.

“Certainly, I was in your position once myself and I’m getting old for a turkey. Wouldn’t want the secret to die with me now. The Providers call this the holiday season. Each year others like the Providers eat our brethren in a feast called Thanksgiving in November, and for Christmas in December.”

“Crack my shell and call me a chicken,” gasped Todd.

“Shocking, but true.”

“How’ve you survived?”

“The Providers only take the fat ones. Just because it is an all you can eat buffet, doesn’t mean you should partake, if you catch my feather. But if you’re too thin, they’ll just get rid of you too.”

Looking down, Todd began clicking his beak excitedly. The recent stress of the investigation caused him to reduce the amount of food he ate and with it, his girth.

Noticing the same thing Gerald continued, “Yes Todd, you are a good size, but your wife is a different story. As good as she looks, she needs to sacrifice that and lose some weight if she wants to survive. Tell her she can regain her figure after the holiday season.”

“Thank you Gerald. You’ve saved us both! Is there anything I can do for you in return?”

“Hmm, well Samantha has a friend, Georgette I think her name.”

“She does.”

“Well Todd, she is a fine looking hen to an old tom like me. Just tell Samantha to let the secret slip to her and we’ll call it even.”

“Consider it done.”

With a click of his beak and flutter of his wings Gerald flew off.

“Morely. MORELY!” squawked Todd.

“I’m here. Was he helpful sir?” asked Morely eagerly.

“He certainly was. And I have one more request for you. Make a flier that says, ‘After reviewing the facts of the recent abductions, it has been determined that the Providers are not very strong and are unable to pick up those who weigh above fifteen pounds. To best ensure your safety and that of your family, everyone needs to eat as much as possible. May your plumage be vivid and your spur sharp.’”

“Consider it hatched.” said Morely fluttering with glee.

“Oh and on your way, find my wife and ask her to meet me here with Georgette. That is all.”