Just Got Out

         



Warning: this is unfinished and a rough draft





              I had just gotten out of jail and I was on fire.  I was ready for this moment, 6 months of preparation; pushup, squats, pullup, hand stand pushups, meditation, reading.  Mentally and physically prepared for my plan.  I knew exactly what I wanted in life and exactly how to get it.  My father, always happy to say I told you so, met me with open arms ”You always got a place with me” he says.  We love each other, but we are to much a like; manic, stubborn, loud, informed. 

         I hit the phones.  A job.  My best friend at the time Brian  was as ready for me to get out as I was.  His drinking buddy was free again.  A respite from his family life that he loves so much but everyone needs me time.  “I got you a job man, its not a lot, but everyone is cool and you can stay over here and ride with me.”    Everything was falling together.  Job, place to stay, friends onboard,  dad onboard.  I would later find out that my father had had different plans for me but, for all the same reasons that  we hadn’t heard what the other one was really saying , it happened again.

         Work was good, I was saving some money, I got my drivers license, Brians mom sold me an aging Lincoln town car for cheap.  After five years of bad decisions and consequences to go with them I was  doing good.  Even a drunken night and DUI wouldn’t ruin it.  Justins twenty first birthday.  I have been friends with justin since before he could drive.  I had drank to much and knew I shouldn’t be driving , but Kenny’s persistent ass.  Kenny has gotten me in trouble since I started getting in trouble.  He was a troubled youth and when my troubles began he showed me how to have fun in the worst of times.  Well his idea of a good time and I must say that it seemed fun and still does at times.  Drugs.  Getting pulled over Kenny starts bawling “I’m on probation , I got warrants, I’m going to jail.”.  “Shut up Kenny what the hell is your problem, keep it together this isn’t helping.”.  I was going into character, something I do in situations of stress, just become somebody else.  And to the best of my ability I was going to play a sober, law abiding, polite, respectable, citizen.  As much as I tried it was a failure. 

         Months later, representing myself in court I had discovered that the officers were not certified to give sobriety tests.  And the video also proved that they, well one of them was a thief.  Explaining why I woke up broke the next morning in jail.  See getting out of the car, drunk as I was, I didn’t realize that I had dropped my wallet and money outside my car.  The video clearly shows the cop looking at the money glancing over at the camera, he walks over to the camera and moves it over apparently to get a better angle on my interrogation.  But, he goes of screen in the next moment he walks back on screen putting the money in his pocket.  Eventually the city of Carbondale would get sick of my smart ass going in there and calling them thieves. 

         Brian thinks it is funny, I was stuck, drinking, smoking, partying.  Looking back I should have stayed and drank and been happy that I had such a beautiful home, good friends, and security.  But, I’m still young and I had been doing this for years now.  Drinking staying out here away from trouble, confrontation.  And it didn’t help then.  I still got in trouble,  I was out of control.  Why couldn’t the whole world be like Brians little world?  We drink, do drugs, work hard, play hard, if we fight,  the next morning we get up smoke a bowl and laugh it off or say that was fucked up and drop it.  No the rest of the world has laws against our normalcy.  So, when  Steve, Brians cousin, shows up with a nice pile of weed “I took my income tax money and bought 5 pounds and rented this car, I’m a transporter now.  Can you help me get rid of this.”  All the old feelings came rushing in, thought s that I had not had  since my brother had died.  Could I do it?  Damn right I can . 

         Caution to the wind.  I had been stuck out here for months, well at least weeks.  “Lets go to town Steve” I almost yell from excitement.  Brians happy he has free weed.  We had that stuff sold the first day.  Everyone was happy we drank Brians wine, smoked on some nugs, laughed, shot off guns, a good redneck time.

         A week later Steve was back with ten.  He was serious, and I was getting excited.  I didn’t have time for work any more this weed thing was going to take my whole attention.  Steve made a good profit this time.  “Come down to Corpus with me, it will be fun I have some acid down there I have been saving we can party on the beach have some fun, buy twenty more and come back next week.  And that’s what we did.

         The Ocean.  I had never seen the ocean.  I guess this is the ocean it’s the Gulf.  We pulled up to Steves apartment late or early I guess depending how you look at it.  I didn’t care I was excitedHe lived on the beach we could pull his kayake right into the water.  We sat and drank and my head filled with grandeous schemes rivaling that of even the most manic schizophrenics.

         I woke early.  I always wake early.  Residual behaviors from my military type youth.  We took the acid, mixed some drinks and headed for the beach.  Now if you have never seen the Sun rising over the Ocean, I recommend it, especially on acid.  A psychedelic swirl of all the colors in the rainbow highlighted by silvery lights.  I was living and I deserved it.  Years of floating around in a sped out depression, hiding from feelings, feelings that came up every time I was reminded; of my violent father beating my mother, finding my mother shot in the head, my best friend murdered, my brother dead at 25, feelings I always felt justified running from, had all finally paid off. 

         Looking out on the pier, I noticed two gorgeous woman.  “Lets go talk to those girls”.  Steve and his friend, that had some how met up with us by this point, laughed.  “The waves are to high, they will throw you right off of the pier and you will be dead”.  I know nothing about the ocean, so I listen. “Your telling me that those two girls out there have more balls than you two”  I smart off.  My point proven we headed down the pier.  “If I tell you to hold on you hold on for your life.”.  Steves friend lectures.  We were having a good time.  The girls were from Iowa and on vacation, strange girls, fun, they laughed a lot.  “HOLD ON” I hear this and myself notice the Ocean pulling away from us and pushing up.  I held on to the hand rail for dear life, and had never felt such power.  The wave washed right over us.  As I was gaining my bearings I noticed Steves friend was next to me naked the Ocean had taken his shorts.  The girls laughing as hard as they could comparing the wave to an amusement ride, their bikini tops had become bottoms.  Steve was gone the Ocean had took him and now I was worried.  A deep guttural laugh came from the Ocean as if to let us know it was the boss here.  “Steve are you alright” his friend yelled.  “Yeah, just a little bruised”  I hear from the same place I heard the laugh.  Steve was holding on to a boulder a few yards off of the pier, laughing.  And I had had enough of the Ocean for one day.  My buzz was getting stronger and it was time to relax, maybe start drunk dialing.

         I called Mandy, I had been talking to Mandy for a couple of weeks now.  Well we didn’t talk much we both usually just got so stoned that we couldn’t.  But, I liked her.  I had known her for a couple of years now, but she had been with someone and I had enjoyed both of there company.  She was smart, liked to read, quiet, had a job, and put up with a helpless drunk for years.  All qualities that suit me just fine.  And he was out of the picture, I made sure too even asked his friend if they thought that he would mind.  They lied, and told me he wouldn’t care.

She was happy to here from me and was looking forward to my return.