Perfect and Loved

Can emotional pain really hurt physically? With every memory that once brought joy, I am met with equal pain. Why does it have to be this way? Could I have been more tolerate, more patient, less demanding? Then I remember the cold and silence. "Just be loving, not demanding", I would think. What did I do to deserve this? Was it really this bad? Am I really this bad? But you said the hurt, I recalled. Yet it must have been me or you wouldn't be so cold. What did I do? Round and round my mind would circle, trying to make sense of the fight. Remembering the hurt that was done but seemed to be my shame. I cannot bear the cold any longer and finally the silence is broken with shouting and hate. If only you would have not done it this way, he says, I would not have had to hurt you. So you see it is yet again your fault. You're right. Please forgive me. Next time I will do it perfectly.  Generously he forgives me and allows me another chance but it doesn't take long before I screw it up again. How do I make sense of this one I think. Surely this time it is not my fault. He must see what he has done to me. Yet again, what once was restored is gone again. The love that was there before, is not mine anymore. I do not see what I did THIS time. But he will tell me and I will see that somehow I screwed it up again. Hopefully he will forgive me again. Can he be so kind to forgive me again? Maybe I don't deserve it, maybe I don't deserve him. How could I have been so confused, I think to myself. How could I have gotten it all so wrong? It seems, it is me that cannot be trusted to see things the way that they are.