Coming Full Circle

I was 22 when my youngest brother died.             

He was 12. His name was Brent. That will be the name of my first son.           

That was 21 years ago, but it sometimes still seems like it was yesterday.           

The pain, the hurt, the anguish is all still there and fresh. It is still a physical presence for me. It is an open wound that sometimes festers deep inside of me, infecting me with sorrow. I still cry thinking about him and get sad thinking about who he would have grown up to be.           

After his death, I wished we could have traded places. I wished that I were dead and he was alive. I thought back then that he had more to offer that I did. That his life would be more meaningful than mine would. I have spent more time thinking about him since he died then I did when he was alive.           

I felt guilty to be alive. That guilt kept me from living life. But I know that Brent would not want me to feel this way. His compassion, at his young age, was immense. He was truly a special person; a great life was cut short by a nameless disease.           

He was born sick, the youngest of six children. On top of being spoiled due to being the new baby- his medical conditions made sure he was always looked after. He truly was loved and cared for. As he grew older and we were able to monitor his health, I could see the goodness with in him. I could see his compassions and his love and overall goodness.           

His laughter was infectious and healing. I can still hear him laugh and see his smile and it melts my heart. I could never stay mad at him for anything he did; it was not in me to portray those emotions towards him. I could and did show anger towards my other siblings. Brent always had a soft spot in my heart.           

As I said, his laughter and smile were something to behold. So was his anger and seeing him upset.  Seeing him mad was sometimes just as fun as laughing with him, as his face was so expressive.           That face of his I can still picture in my minds eye. His round face, unruly hair, expressive eyes that captured his soul. He would have been a charmer for sure if he got to live.           

I loved him and I knew he loved me. I knew that he also looked up to me. But know I know I should have been looking up to him.  In his 12 years, he lived a lot of life. He had a lot of love. He overcame many obstacles to carve out a unique personality. He lived all his life not being one hundred percent healthy, but he did not let it affect him at all. He was a normal fun child who was a lot smarter than most realized. He had a quiet graceful intellect that was not obvious to most. 

I often wonder did he know he was going to die young. How could one cope with that? Would he have told us if he had known? Probably not, to spare us the anguish. He was very selfless; thought more about others then of himself.           

He thought highly of me. I know this from my observations and from other siblings telling me so. Years after his death I started to feel less pain and less anger. Started to think about where I was in life and what would Brent think of me now. Would he still look up to me? Would he approve of me? I did not think he would have; which made me upset and angry again.           

I started to make changes to myself. Not physical changes but mental and emotional ones. Subtle changes that those close to me would not even notice. Changing the way I thought and lived. All with the intent to impress Brent. To look better in his eyes. I wanted to grow and mature into the person I knew Brent would have been; or at least become a person I thought he would approve of and be happy with.           I have changed and matured a lot since his death.  I still have a lot more growing and maturing to do. I know I have somebody I want to impress. I want to know Brent is somewhere smiling as he views my life and my accomplishments.           

I want him to know he is the reason I have tried my best. His approval is the most important thing I can have. I am who I am because of him.           

But I wonder sometimes if he is guiding me; making me better. That would be something he would do, as he was that type of person. All I know is I would be a very lucky person if I have a little bit of his personality within me. That a part of him lives within me.                     

Often people comment that I sometimes act like a young kid inside an adult’s body. Maybe that is somewhat true, maybe I have a little of Brent inside of me.           

I was asked recently what my favorite memory was. My answer was immediately of Halloween 1989, that last Halloween before I moved to New York City. That day I was in Toronto on business and was expecting to be home by 6:00 PM. Brent and another brother, Ken, were waiting on me to take them trick-or-treating. Traffic was horrendous coming back and I was about 90 minutes late. Ken went on without me but Brent waited for me to take him out. That selfless act still brings tears to me eyes. Most children want only candy on Halloween. Brent wanted my company that day more then sweets. So off we went, laughing and joking and running and enjoying our last holiday together. He also had a mask for me to wear as well, which I did as it made him very happy. We were out for a few hours and in looking back, they were the best few hours of my life. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday and I still love it. The whole month of October is special to me; with the change to autumn and comfortable weather. My wedding anniversary is also in October. All the horror movies that play through out the month adding to the atmosphere. Ending the month with thoughts that last Halloween I spent with Brent brings so much happiness and smiles to my face. In addition, tears of sorrow and tears of joy as I mourn his life and at the same time cherish his memory.                      

I wonder if Brent knew how special that last Halloween is to me. I hope he did. I hope he is somewhere holding that memory close to his heart.           

I consider myself very lucky to have known him and to have him in my life still. He lives on in my heart and spirit and guides me along in my life. For that, I am fortunate and lucky.           

I am very happy with the person I have become and I hope Brent is proud of his influence on me. I know I am proud of my personal growth and I look forward to growing older, knowing I have my personal “guardian” to help and to guide me along the way.