i lost her

I lost her...i just let her fly away to tansania without even a farewell. In all honesty i was not even aware she had left until years after she had allready been gone. I am so disconected, so dislocated from everyone else on earth that she may even be back by now and I have no way of knowing :although she only lives about a five minute walk from my house i can't muster the courage to walk over there and see for myself...I was such a prick to her..she is the most beautiful woman on earth and i let her slip through my hands. her name is Marielle, we knew each other growing up since we were the tender age of four. But our interest in each other only kindled in the late bloom of high school. Everything would have been fine if we were.nt at school together. I find it dificult to display my emotions in front os so many assholes that i chose not to and this led inevidebly to our growing apart and becoming rather distant while still carrying on the sharade of being together.Suddenly a problem arose in the likeness of a dark eyed raven tressed woman by the name of lisa...She was the exact opposite of marrielle...first let me describe marrielle. the first time i had any sort of feeling toward her that was more than friendship was when we were coming back from our rowing team and there were not enough seats in the car so she sat on my lap. I remember holding her in my arms, the warmth that radiated between us, right there i knew i was in love...Marielle has flowing brown hair, a petit yet beautiful body, the cutest little beauty mole on herre cheek and eyes so blue the ocean would die of jealousie if it could see her radiance. lips so moist like a supple peach, yet i barely had the oppportunity to spent time with my love for we were interupted by what i can only now call a seductress. Lisa was the woman who along with us men did drugs (my marille would never touch anything so vile) lisa was one of the guys until one day in music class she started gazing at me with her dark eyes, eyes not unatractive but more mysterious and calling to me. Entranced i did what would amount to my lowest hour as a so called man on this planet, i broke up with marielle in class in front of everybody...now i did it discreetly yet im sure some people were aware of the situation.

what happens next is even more heartbreaking...lisa being a more expereince person than myself in the field of love and romancing and what not we choose a slow course to our relationship and lo and behold within a week she fucks some guy in montreal at a cowboy fringant concert...I respect her for having the decency of telling me straight up so i forgave her in time and we continued to be friends...Now i somehow conviced marielle to come back to me after i treated her so horribli. the problem with me at this time was i was smoking alot of drugs and and many occasions i would skip out on marielle while we were lying peacefully in her hammock in her yard and fabricate a lie about some non existent dentist appointment and leave to go get high alone in my shed. For some reason i don't recal the moment we broke off the second time but it was me breaking it off like a moron i think... not too sure its been so long.... so here i am,5 years later have not touched drugs or alcohol in 5 years  and realizing that i should have married marielle. Perhaps my emotions were so strong towards her back in the day that i was afraid of their streigh and ran form them thinking i was not ready for the consequences of them. now i am 23, i have no friends, i have alienated myself from everyone i love yet the only person i still think about every day and night and monring and afternoon is my marielle. i lost her, and she may be so close right now without my knowing it...do i muster the courage to go to her get down on my knees and beg her forgivness for the acts of a man who can now call himself a man but who did such unnaeptable things to this poor girls heart...i love her so, tomorow i will go and plead my case, if she is even home, if she still lives there, if she still lives in this country....maybe tomorw will snow and blanket my footsteps as i turn back at the last second losing my nerv and returning home like a coward too frightened to appreach her. or maybe the rains will come and keep me indoors and away form her. Perhaps she is happy now, i love her so much i dont want to distress her with my wrongdoings of the past, perhaps i should just let thing be as they are and let her be happy...i hope she is happy, i'm not happy.. i have not been happy since the last time she took my arm in hers and nestled her fair cheek next to mine...i can;t say that if i leave her and she is happy than i am happy just becaus she has happiness, for i beleive we weer destined to be together, but then again, i don'nt like the look of those rain clouds...