Milkduds and Mayhem

About a week before school started, my good friend and I went to see the new Jesse Eisenberg comedy, Thirty Minutes or Less. However, today, I will not be writing about this mildly offensive, very disappointing and only-sort-of-funny film, nor will I be writing about how amazingly blue and dreamy Jesse’s eyes are. Instead, I will be writing about the immature, annoying, self-centered blockheads that filled the dark, AMC theater, and made me wish that the movie’s title was equal to its running time.

The first five minutes of the film were pretty peaceful. There were a few laughs here and there, despite the unnecessary overuse of R-rated language. That’s when disaster struck. The sound cut off, the screen went black, and every light in the theater went up. As the confused chatter of the audience filled the room, an employee entered and stated that he was very sorry, but due to technical difficulties, the movie would have to be reset. A minor inconvenience that we could have gotten through very easily with any other crowd. This bunch, however, immediately erupted.

“I’d feel better if I got a 50 percent refund!” one man jeered. “Yeah, and bring us some free food!” shouted another. One boy, in words that I will not repeat, decided to announce to the entire theater that he wanted to see a naked woman on screen. Honestly? It was five extra minutes out of their days. It wasn’t as if these losers had anything better to do with that time.

Everyone in the theater was given a coupon for a free, small popcorn. When life hands you free snacks, you don’t turn them down. Although, I didn’t feel like most of the people in that theater really deserved it. Everyone exited to claim their complimentary treats during the five minutes of film they had already viewed. I assumed, after this incident, that the crowd would be quieter for the rest of the movie. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong.

First off, every kid’s movie has that little boy or girl who likes to repeat every joke he or she finds amusing. I assumed that, this being an R-rated movie, I could avoid this irritating voice. However, I learned that day that not only do children like to talk to the movie screen, but teenage boys as well. Every joke that managed to make me chuckle was made just a little bit less enjoyable by the chatterbox in the back row. I wanted to shout “Grow up already!” I instead bit my tongue, knowing that such an outburst would ruin the movie for the other people supposedly trying to watch it.

The strangest character in the theater was the one sitting directly behind me. At one point, I heard a noise that, at first, sounded like a loud ticking. After listening to it a bit longer, however, I recognized the sound as beat boxing. I turned around, wondering who on earth would do such a thing during a movie, and discovered that the man was also wearing sunglasses. In a movie theater. Seriously, if the screen is too bright and the movie is so unappealing to you that you have to drop a beat in order to keep yourself entertained, just do everyone a huge favor and get out.

Let this be a message to all moviegoers: if you pay $8 to see a movie, please, please just watch the dang thing! I don’t care how horrible you think it is, how bored you are, or how funny you think your jokes sound. Texting, talking, swearing or making idiotic noises just makes you look like a big jerk.