Eighteen Minutes

Eighteen Minutes


It’s about 18 minutes…
18 minutes that changed my life.
18 minutes that rearranged my outlook.
18 minutes that put multitudes of conversations, situations, circumstances, and coincidences into perspective.

That day… hmmmm… I was so mad at your guarded silence!
But that quickly dissipated into anger with myself,
I felt so discounted and hurt.
The realization,
I put myself in the position to be treated that way hurt profoundly more.
I felt the woes of a woman wounded – devastated and deflated!

I shared with you my hopes and fears about us.
Do you remember that night?
That conversation?

Every time I’ve ever asked you how you felt about me?
What are we to each other?
What should I tell someone if they ask about us?

Your guarded non-answers were answers…
You were telling me exactly what I am not to you.

I’m not the one you call your girlfriend
I’m not the one you take places with you or do things with
I’m not the one you introduce to your family
I’m not the one you take around your friends
I’m not the one you share your plans with
I’m not the one you run your ideas by
I’m not the one you plan to spend your life with.

You have feelings for me,
Not questioning that at all,
You have a lot you are dealing with,
Working through in your own mind,
I get that!

Feelings aren't the same as,
Loving me,
Wanting me,
Planning a life with me.

I can’t fathom my life like this one more day!
I cannot keep trying to convince myself,
I can’t, NO, I won't be your distraction anymore.