So you went and ate my doughnut

CHAPTER ONE

It all started on a clear but cold December morning in Hell Michigan. Dad had just gotten back from Duncan Donuts with two boxes full of the good stuff. I’m not talking the crispy cream stale stuff; I'm talking the real deal. There were chocolate covered original, Boston cream, and coffee buzz. That last one is my mom’s favorite. I like the chocolate ones. My dad loves the Boston cream. That’s where it all started. That was the day the donuts were stolen.

Right off our kitchen table they were taken. It was a surprise to be sure, but I had my list of suspects. Our old neighbor, Mr. Levonworth, was a sixty year old grump. He has grey hair, what’s left of it, thick coke bottle glasses that make him look bug-eyed and a hearing aid in both ears. Not that the hearing aid does him any good. Any time any one says anything to him you have to shout, then he shouts back not to yell at him. What a crazy goon.

Our other neighbor, who I also suspected, is Old Lady Mason. She’s eighty-three and smells like stale cake and mothballs. She’s always coming over asking for sugar and spends time talking to my mom about how things were back in the old days when she was a girl. I try to avoid her because every time she sees me she tells me that real girls don’t play sports, they make their homes nice and clean for their husbands and keep their children from looking like rag-a-muffins (whatever those are…). I’m only ten!! I’m not interested in boys or kids. Boys have cooties!!! EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!! What a crazy old bat.


CHAPTER TWO

Before we go one step further, my name is Amber Daniel Collins. I am ten years old, and I am the only kid in this neighborhood. I hate it. My parents moved here when I was two. I was born in Orlando Florida, right next to Disney World. Mom says that’s where I was conceived, whatever that means. We moved up here because of daddy’s job. He is a navy seal, so he’s gone most of the time. I go to school two blocks from my house, which is funny because there are no kids in this neighborhood, but the school is full of them.

School is boring because we do the same stinking thing every day, and I don’t have any friends. Sorry, that’s a fib, I have one friend. His name is J.T.and he has cerebral palsy. I’m not sure what that is exactly, but when his mom came in to explain it to the class she said that his leg muscles don’t work quite right, and they are not strong enough to hold him up. So he has these funny looking leg braces (I thought braces were only for your teeth.) that keep him up. He got picked on a bunch when he first came to class. But then I stood up for him. BIG MISTAKE!! Now even my friends on my baseball team pick on me, especially if J.T. comes to a game.

My mom thinks it’s cute that he follows me around, and she said that even if people are picking on someone, I can’t start fights, but I can defend. And I guess it’s okay that J.T. sticks with me, because who else would fight for the kid? Still, sometimes I wish I hadn’t said anything at all. Sometimes I wish I would have just let him get beat up…but then I would feel bad that I didn’t say anything. My life is complicated…it’s hard being a ten-year-old.

CHAPTER THREE

Back to the doughnuts. First of all, this is Hell Michigan, and it’s snowing in hell. This is the one time my dad is home for a holiday and he drove all the way to the doughnut shop to get those things and they get taken right off the table. No, we don’t have a dog, but Old Lady Mason does. Old Lady Mason’s dog is a rat. It’s a rat with no fur, and it sounds like a poodle. I hate that dog. Every time that woman comes over she brings her rat, sorry, dog, over. Every time that dumb dog tries to eat off the table. Every time Old Lady Mason tells that thing

“No no Pearla, you can’t eat off of this table. When we get home you can do whatever you want.”

That dumb dog even has a doggie door in our door, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she came in here. That dumb dog has a doggie mansion inside Mrs. Mason’s house. And it’s own room. That stupid dog has it’s own bathroom!! I thought dogs peed outside?!? That dog even eats at it’s own table!! If I had a dog, it would be a black lab or a husky. His name would be something burly, like, Jack! Jack would pee outside and keep bad people from coming in the house. But mom wont let me. She says that I’m not old enough to have a dog. I don’t think that’s true, because Jenny Adams, from my baseball team, had a big dog named Adam.

He comes to all the games. He has golden hair and leads Jenny’s dad.
Jenny’s dad is blind. When I asked mom what that meant, she told me that it meant Jenny’s dad cant see, so because he cant see, he has this red and white stick that he holds out in front of him, and of course, Adam the dog. I guess Adam keeps Mr. Adams from running into things. When I point out Jenny’s dog, mom says it’s different, because I’m not blind. That’s not fair. If I was blind I’d have a dog. And I’d name him Jack. And he would pee in the yard like a normal dog. And he would beat up Old Lady Mason’s rat-dog.

CHAPTER FOUR

“AMBER, YOUR DAD’S HOME WITH THE DOUGHNUTS!!”

Mom calls from the kitchen. I run down the hallway and speed into the kitchen to grab my doughnut before my dad takes it. He always takes the ones I want. Sometimes he does it just to mess with me I guess. He is funny that way. I grab my chocolate iced doughnut and go to the living room to watch my Saturday morning cartoons. I never miss my cartoons. I hate the commercials, but some are too funny to miss. There is one with this lady named Flo, and she works at this place called Progressive. She works with cars and motor homes and boats and stuff.

“AMBER, CAN YOU COME HERE PLEASE?”

I go to the kitchen table, and almost scream.
The doughnuts are GONE!!! The box is there, and what looks like drool...but the doughnuts are gone!!! My mind goes blank.

“Amber honey did you eat all the doughnuts?”
Mom asks.

“No. I only have one. Who took them all? Maybe it was Old Lady Mason’s dog. That rat needs to stay at her own house. Can we please get rid of that dumb dog door mom please???”

“Amber, how many times have I told you, we don’t talk about our neighbors that way. Mrs. Mason is a nice old woman who lets us live in her old house. We rent the house, so we cannot change it, okay? And Mrs. Mason loves her dog, so we can’t talk bad about it, especially when she comes over.”

“Your mom is right Amber.”
Dad adds.
“You need to be nice to Mrs. Mason’s dog, no matter how annoying she can be. If you really think Pearla took our doughnuts, then we can go ask Mrs. Mason if she has seen has seen her leave the house okay?”

“Okay dad.”

Dangit.

CHAPTER FIVE

“Dad do we really have to do this? Mrs. Mason smells funny, and she tells me I have to get married and have babies and clean up the house all the time and I can’t play baseball.”

“Yes, Amber we do have to do this. And you will be nice to her, or you will be grounded for a week, no T.V., no baseball, no doughnuts.”

“Awww daaaad…do we hafta??”
Dad stops and faces me.

“Amber Daniel Collins, there will be no more bad mouthing Mrs. Mason. She lets us live in her old house. She gave us her old car. She sometimes buys our food for us. She is the nicest old woman we have ever met and you should be grateful to her. She may be old, she may smell funny, she may have an annoying dog and heck, she just might even have a witch’s tail, but we should still be nice to her. Besides, what would Uncle Bernie tell you to do?”

“He would tell me to be nice because I never know who is watching me, and even though it’s not Christmas, Santa can still see me and I should be good if I want my super spy sunglasses.”

“That’s right. Now let’s go and ask if that silly rat-dog stole our doughnuts okay?”
I giggle.

“Okay dad.”
So we walk up to the house that smells like mothballs and knock on the front door. There is a shuffling inside that tells me the batty coot is still in her night-dress. She opens the door, and before me stands the mothball and stale cake smelling-rat for a dog owning-possible witch-old lady of a neighbor. I sigh, and try not to breathe in through my nose.

“Hello Mrs. Mason. We were just wondering if we could talk to you for a moment please.”

“Of course Mr. Collins, do come in. and how are you today little Amber?”

“I’m fine Mrs. Mason. I was just wondering…”
I begin as we step into the house to say. Suddenly a loud high pitched squeal comes from the kitchen. Mrs. Mason hops around and speed-walks to the stove.

“Hold on a moment dear, I will be right with you. If you will both please sit down and we can have some tea and crumpets. Then we can talk.”
Did I mention she’s from England? We sit down.

“Dad can I ask her something too?”

“Sure honey, you can ask her anything you want to.”

“Okay.”

“Here you go dears, now what is it you wanted to tell me?”
She sets a tray down with three plates and three cups on it. The plates have little sandwiches on them. We each take a plate and cup. I put a sandwich in my mouth and start to chew. This thing tastes pretty good. I stuff another in my mouth. Yum!

“We wanted to ask you if your little dog got out this morning.”
Dad said.

“Actually yes, she did. And she came back with funny smelling mud all over her. Why did she dig up some of your roses? If so I am so sorry. I will be sure to buy you some new buds…”

“No, no that’s not it. You see, we had bought some doughnuts and we left them on the kitchen table, and we thought, since we have a doggie door, that maybe she got into them.”

“Oh good heavens, I am so sorry, she did smell like chocolate when she came in. I had to wash her you know. Well I am sorry. Would you like some crumpets to take home with you, since it seems my little dog has eaten your breakfast?”
Dad looks at me. I nod, filling my mouth with them as they speak.

“Yes please ma’am. It seems Amber likes them quite a bit. Speaking of which, Amber didn’t you have a question you wanted to ask?”

“Mrs. Mason, are you a witch with a tail?”
She doesn’t say anything. Neither does dad, but he looks really mad.

Uh-oh.