Homestuck Script: Movie 1, Act 1

{Music: Skies of Skaia}

A star field fades in.

The Sburb logo appears, glowing green

HOMESTUCK

The Zodiac constellations glow in a rainbow of color, Cancer glowing grey.

BASED ON THE WEBCOMIC PHENOMENON BY ANDREW HUSSIE

Approach the center of the zodiac circle, past the outer planets, as the other VA's appear alongside each planet, and approach a bright blue planet sits suspended in space.

ACT ONE: THE NOTE DESOLATION PLAYS

Camera approaches Jade's Island with its Frog Temple in the Pacific, southwest of Baker Island. The Space symbol, resembling a white spiral galaxy, appears with Jade's VA.

Next is Dave's apartment in Houston Texas. The Time symbol, a red gear and Dave's VA

Heading north to Rainbow Falls, New York, it's Rose's home. The Yellow sun symbol for Light and Rose's VA appear and fade.

Cross the country to John's house in Washington. The symbol for Breath appears with John's VA then both dissolve in a gust of wind.

Enter a window and camera pans around his room counterclockwise. Several movie posters decorate the walls, a chest sits in a corner, and his computer is off. The camera stops on a bed, where a young boy with overbite sleeps soundly. A middle-aged man with a fedora and pipe, Dad Egbert, opens the door

Dad: John, I'm off to the store for a few minutes.

The boy mumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

Dad: Happy Birthday, son.

Dad puts a rolled up poster on the table next to the door and another present in the chest, then exits the room. John wakes up, heading over to the calendar.]

JOHN: Heheh, happy birthday to me!

[He heads back to the bedside table, evading a hammer and some nails as he moves on. He picks up the poster, unrolling it just a bit.]

JOHN Con Air! Sweet!

[Before he can finish saying "sweet" an array of cards fly up from the desk, the poster being added into one of them. The cards then flutter around the room before falling to the floor. One hits the hammer, and it is added to the card. The same thing happens with the nails. They then arrange themselves into a neat stack on the floor.]

JOHN: Hell.

[He picks up the stack, noticing he's unable to shuffle through them.]

JOHN: [sighs] Combine hammer, nail and poster cards.

[All three then appear on the top card. He moves over to the empty space on the wall.]

JOHN Use on wall.

[The poster then appears on the wall, and only the hammer is left on the card.

He then looks up as he hears a noise, the mail truck arriving. He then picks up a note attached to the screen of his computer and reads it aloud:]

JOHN: “Dear John Egbert: Congratulations! You and three others have been selected to test play a new game known as SBURB! You should be receiving two discs containing the game in the mail very soon. We look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Yours sincerely, The Skaianet Company.

Putting the letter in his pocket, John goes out to pick up the mail knowing that his dad is off.

JOHN: It’s a good opportunity to avoid him for a while.

John heads downstairs and sees two presents. Opening the smaller one, he finds a strap designed to hold something long and thin on his back.

JOHN: "I wonder what this thing is for."

Putting the strap on, he opens the larger gift, which is a giant, armless harlequin doll.

JOHN: Ugh, Dad! You know I don't like these things!

As if on cue, Dad pulls into the driveway.

JOHN: Crap!

John slips back upstairs quickly as Dad walks through to the kitchen, pausing to sit the doll up on the couch. John goes outside to get the mail, only to find Dad has gotten it first, leaving the server disc in his car on accident.

JOHN: Damn it dad picked up the mail! Now how am I supposed to play?

John facepalms as he looks through the kitchen window, to see the other envelope and a red package. Dashing back upstairs, John grabs a few smoke pellets, a bottle of glue, and a fake arm from the chest, not noticing the present. Going back downstairs, he glues the arm to the harlequin doll, talking to himself while doing so.

JOHN: What’s that red package? Is it from one of my friends or for dad?

He lobs the pellets into the kitchen, and almost instantly, the smoke alarm begins beeping. Quickly, John grabs the package and disc. Rushing upstairs, he goes into the bathroom and opens the box with a razor. He then removes the Con Air bunny, practically squeeing, and reads the note.

Dave: {voice over} “so hey

since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.

its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro.

then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

peace dawg

tg”

[The bunny falls to the ground and he quickly picks it up as it fades into reality once again. A noise then comes from his computer, signalling someone pestering him. He pops in the disc and opens Pesterchum. A spirograph appears on the screen before being covered up by the Pesterchum window and Rose's face.]

ROSE: I understand you as well as three others, including myself, have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as... [scowls] Gamebro Magazine.

JOHN: Whoever told you that is a liar. A liar you should stop hitting on.

ROSE: [shrugs] What can I say. I have a weakness for insufferable pricks such as Mister Strider.

[The scene quickly changes to Dave, laying in his bed, asleep. It zooms in on his shadeless eyes, which quickly open.]

DAVE: My pimp senses are tingling.

[Back to John and ROSE:]

JOHN: not yet dad picked up the game with the mail

JOHN: and it’s my birthday so he might have some "surprise"

JOHN: especially since I threw smoke pellets into the kitchen.

ROSE: That seems to be a trustful thought considering that your dad pranks you a lot in sign of paternal love.

JOHN: true....

JOHN: anyway, I'm installing the game now.

ROSE: Finally, let me connect me with you … hold on a second.

The computer screen flashes the word "SBURB" Server connection established.

{DELETED SCENE: While Sburb installs, Dave and John chat}

JOHN: im connected now rose!

ROSE: Good.

The cursor appears in John's room and grabs the chest, emptying it and revealing the present.

JOHN: what’s that thing in my room?

ROSE: That would be the cursor I am using to manipulate your environment.

JOHN: wait so this game is like The Sims, but with real life?! : O

ROSE: Apparently so.

Rose sets the chest down on the roof, then expands a corner of the room and deploys the Totem Lathe there, placing the Alchemiter on the balcony

JOHN: whats that thing on my balcony? seems interesting and cool!

ROSE: It's called an Alchemiter, apparently. I guess it has something to do with the Alchemy system of the game.

She then deploys the Cruxtruder so it blocks the front door

JOHN: ROSE!!

JOHN: that was my front door!

ROSE: There was a door there?

JOHN: yes there was a door!

JOHN: the only door to go out!

ROSE: You have a back door, do you not?

ROSE: You can still exit the house.

JOHN: oh! You’re right. well right now i don’t think i want to go out

JOHN: dad might be waiting to prank me or something

ROSE: Then go check out the Cruxtruder.

JOHN: okay : )

John prepares to exit the room, and then notices the gift on the floor. Upon unwrapping it, he finds a PDA which is a deep blue with his initials on the back in a lighter tint. (The colors for Breath, to be specific)

JOHN: Huh? What’s this doing here?

The PDA has a message from Dad: Happy B-day, son! I am so proud of you.

JOHN: He is proud of me… well I actually didn’t expect that, but why would he tell me such a thing?

John installs Pesterchum 7.0 on the PDA

JOHN: dad got me a PDA! I’m gonna continue the conversation using that now. Brb.

ROSE: It's a proper gift for you.

JOHN: Thanks!

John logs off the conversation on his computer, and opens his account there.

John shrugs and opens the door gets pied by Dad, who was standing right next to the door. The pie gets all over John’s face, covering his glasses with cream. Dad chuckles lightly.

Dad: That's for the smoke pellets.

JOHN: Ugh, Dad!

John attempts to whack Dad with the hammer. He easily dodges the blow and absconds to the study, glancing at the Cruxtruder for a brief moment in confusion. Shrugging, he enters the study

JOHN: agh! He went into the study! I need a shower.

John heads to the bathroom, followed by the cursor. A towel slips into the toilet, but when Rose tries to rescue said towel she rips out the toilet.

JOHN: ROSE!!! Put my toilet back!

ROSE: Oh, fuck. Sorry for that.

Rose repairs the floor and sets the toilet back in its place. John gets out of the shower and puts on his Slimer tee and shorts, casually snatching the hammer from the sink. He heads down to the Cruxtruder and tries to turn the wheel.

JOHN: i can’t move this thing!

ROSE: And John, what is that strap on your back for?

JOHN: i dunno. I think it’s for carrying something. like how a ninja straps a sword to their back.

ROSE: Ah.

{John heads to the laundry room and Rose helps him strap a sledgehammer to his back. Returning to the Cruxtruder, John removes the hammer from the sheath, struggling with its weight.

JOHN: can you help me rose?

ROSE: Certainly.

The Cursor grabs the hammer's head and helps John swing it onto the wheel, spinning it free. The lid pops off. The Kernelsprite appears along with a bright blue cylinder, and the countdown begins.

JOHN: what is this thing counting down to, rose?

Miles away straight up, a spirogragh portal spits out a meteor.

The sprite floats over to the Harlequin doll sitting on the couch.

ROSE: Look at the Kernelsprite.

JOHN: what’s it doing?

The sprite dances around the harlequin doll.

JOHN: this thing, it’s messing around!

ROSE: According to some really poor walkthroughs, we’re supposed to put something in it.

The cursor puts it on the sprite, which promptly absorbs it, revealing a slightly maimed Harlequin head with one arm, all tinted a light blue. Rose deploys a card with holes punched into it that has a blue apple image on it.

JOHN: What’s this for?

ROSE: I think you are supposed to put it into the Lathe, along with that blue cylinder.

JOHN: uh okay if you say so.

John grabs both and heads back to his room. He puts the card into the slot and the cylinder in the vice. The lathe carves the cylinder into a totem.

[John takes the totem before pulling out his PDA to pester ROSE: Her face appears on the screen, although the picture is a bit fuzzy.]

JOHN: Alright, I used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. I'm guessing I take it back to the alchemixer?

ROSE: Yes that's corre--

[The point of view then changes to Rose, and the lights go off around her, leaving on her laptop light and the lightning outside to illuminate the blackness. She sighs, and for a few seconds the screen goes dark. After hearing a match being struck, a few candles are lit within the room.]

ROSE: Well, this is just wonderful.

[She lies back on her bed, rolling over to see a purple box sitting there. She reaches over, tempted to open it, before quickly setting it back down on the bed.]

ROSE: No, no, no. Not now.

[A drop of rain hits her nose. She looks up and sees the roof leaking. Frowning, she gets up, glancing around her room before looking out the window. The silhouette of the laboratory is visible, and a bit closer, the mausoleum that Jaspers rests in.]

ROSE: Captchalogue violin and knitting bag.

[The fetch modus then appears on the screen, with the violin as the root and the knitting bag branching off to the left.

She turns to leave the room, running her hand across the book sitting on her desk. The title is easily visible, "Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious."]

ROSE: [quickly mutters] Captchalogue laptop and grimoire.

[The sylladex then auto-balances itself, with the laptop as the root card. She then leaves, heading outside to the observatory. "House of Lalonde" begins playing as she scales up in some sort of montage. "PSYCHE" then appears, the point of view switching to Dave, sitting at his computer.]

DAVE: OH SHIT. Anyway, lat--

["DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT" appears and the scene switches back to Rose, sitting in the lab, her laptop sitting on top of the grimoire, her items scattered around her. She peeks through the telescope, where a large number of small meteorites streak through a gap in the clouds. John appears onscreen, looking quite freaked out.]

JOHN: Agh! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna--

ROSE: Hush. You haven't used the totem yet. It will most likely create the item on the punch card.

JOHN: So... like, an apple?

ROSE: It seems to vary from session to session. In once instance it was describes as an... [reads it very slowly] "eggy loking thign". [shakes her head]

[John quickly runs to the alchemiter, the countdown starting from 0:30. The alchemiter creates a tree, which drops an apple and disappears. He takes a bite just as the timer hits 0:00. Curtains close around the scene.

END OF ACT 1