Two Bottles of Suck

                         

                                                                                                      TWO BOTTLES OF SUCK



    I have before me two bottles of suck, both as different as the sun and the moon. “What the fuck is a bottle of suck” you ask…well let me try to explain by dissecting both terms or bottles so to speak to their least common denominator. Here on the one side of the coin we have our first “bottle of suck”, a slang term my brother and I used when we were younger for a bottle of whiskey or any kind of alcohol in bottle form for that matter. When one would turn the bottle up the other would say “suck it down”, hence a “bottle of suck”. I guess in all fairness this would be a good time to tell you we started on the drink pretty early in life my brother and me; it’s not that we had bad lives in fact quite the contrary we had great lives, awesome parents who made a fair amount of money. We had everything we ever wanted with in reason, it was just that we had some older friends that could buy liquor! And growing up in the mountains of North Eastern Pennsylvania could get a little boring from time to time so we indulged.

    One of my favorite “bottles of suck” of all time is the metaphoric ambition of a twisted mind, picture if you can a life-size bottle of Gentleman Jack Daniels, ah yes a premier delicacy of shear delight that can not only deliver the pallet an affectionate extravaganza of epic taste proportions, but also render the mind totally abandoned of any defective thought or reasoning. Yes Gentleman Jack, perhaps one of the smoothest whiskeys ever to have been birthed from the hinterland of ole Tennessee.

    Now on the other side of the coin, there lies the second “bottle of suck”, yet another slang term, go figure. A gross adaptation of a phrase that our dear old dad used to say to us when life was not reaping his sowings so to speak. When life was not quite going his way, he would say “My cup runneth over with suck”, which in turn was later changed to “my life is a big bottle of suck”. I’m sure you can recognize the “my cup runneth over” part from church back in your youthful piousness at some point in your life. Well my dad was a pretty funny cat always at the ready with a joke to bust your gut with, (kind of funny that I used the word Cat being the DogMan and all) oh well, he threw his own twist on it and it cracked my brother and I up many, many times over the years, and I still use the term to this day. Especially in school, yes after the housing crash of 2007 I found myself out of work and back in school again and I hate it as much now as I did way back then!

    Algebra class just ended an hour ago and I left it as I found it two hours earlier, consummately mind numbing. How did I ever pull off another perpetual parody of perilous perturbation? No pun intended. I am a 45 year old man in class with kids younger than my son, I need alcohol! Not beer, not wine and certainly not some bastard combination of the two in a lackluster concoction with a jaded label that reads Bartles & James. I need Gentleman Jack, that wicked concoction of utter delight that  I had been dreaming of holding in my waiting hand since the rational numbers were trying to offer solace to the negative numbers who really were feeling down ever since they figured out they were less that zero back in chapter three.

    Oh the contrast in the two meanings, one bottle of suck good, the other bad, bad, bad to quote the church lady (Thank you Dana Carvey).So if you’ll excuse me now I must leave you because the distinguished gentleman has just arrived.



Arrivederci,



DogMan