Five a Day Helps you Work-less and Play.

Five a Day Helps you Work-less and Play.



‘Hello? Hi! Can I get three bags of green? Broccoli, sprouts, etc. Oh yes, and six bags of smack! I’ll be down about five.’

         ‘Are you ringing about the methadone?’



         ‘Yes…might as well. What’s the quota on the quantities?’



         ‘Can I get your name?’



         ‘At what price?’



         ‘Are you a patient here?’



         ‘I’m patient!’



         ‘I’ll hang up if you don’t give a name.’



         ‘Can I get your mobile number in case you change your mind?’



         ‘I think you need to ring a doctor.’



         ‘I am a doctor: Your doctor, and where standing in a fruit, and veg shop.’



         ‘So what are you talking to me for?’



         ‘Okay then, to start. I’ll have three bags of green? Broccoli sprouts, etc. And please do not leave out the smack! I’ll ring for my script later.’



         ‘Last chance! What do you want?'



         ‘Methadone please!'



         ‘Right, what’s your name?’



         ‘It’ll be…Tom!’



         ‘Praise the lord! Tom who?'



         ‘Tom!’



         ‘Yeah I got that, what’s your Christian name?’



         ‘What route are you going down here? I’ve got the cash.’



         ‘Second name?'



         ‘I told you. Tom!’



And that was it, the end of the road, until I scrolled down to the next number:

         ‘Hello! Is this the florist?’



         ‘What do you want?'



         ‘Can I get a high pressure sodium lamp, two bags of compost, and a packet of Jack Herer please?’



         ‘I’ve told you! We only sell flowers, and no we don’t sell poppies by the weight.’



         ‘What about peyote?’



         ‘I’ll ring the police.’



         ‘Nice one! Can you tell them to pop around? I know it’s only Thursday, but if they could bust me tonight instead of tomorrow. I’m off to a Glastonbury, and I don’t want the door left open all weekend.’



And that was it, the lines went dead, until the police arrived, and I went away, ecstatically, for the weekend.