Losing Sarah

He came to the same park every year, the same day, the same time sitting on the exact same bench.  As the years went by he was sometimes amazed the bench was always available.  He supposed fate had a hand in that.  Today it was sunny, a little on the chilly side he thought zipping up his navy blue wind breaker. At least it wasn’t raining.  Thomas dreaded the days he came here in the midst of a down pour. But it was no matter, the weather.  He would always come.



The park was busy today, kids playing, runners jogging. He felt a pang of envy when he spied a young couple picnicking on a blanket.  Clearly they were much more interested in tasting each other instead of the food laid out before them.  He couldn’t help but smile.  That was how it should be when you were in love. Thomas knew better than anyone how quickly you could lose the one you love.



His hands were folded in his lap. Closing his eyes, he let the sounds around him drift away as he traveled back to that fateful day. The year was 1960, John F Kennedy was the president, and many men, himself included would soon be heading to a place called Vietnam. If you wanted a picnic in the park a loaf of bread would cost you around 20 cents.  Sarah had wanted a picnic. Thomas had made her favorite cheese sandwiches, he packed grapes as well.  The food had never been eaten. 



The bench made a familiar creak. Thomas opened his eyes.  He still didn’t understand why the other man came after so many years. But despite what he understood the man always did.

“Thomas.”  He wore a fedora over the few hairs he had left. The first time Thomas had meet Charles O’Brien his shocking red hair had been full, thick accenting his large build.  Although Charles was only ten years older; Thomas had always felt as if he were wise. Maybe the feeling had to do with the circumstances under which they had met.



“Charles” 



Today, just as in years past it took each of them time to gather their thoughts, emotions before conversation could be made.  Besides, it was the comfortable silence they needed here today. Thomas often wondered when the closure everyone had always told him would come would show up. After 52 years he was still searching, he knew it was the same for Charles. 



“How is Emily?”



Charles smiled sadly.  “She has her good days and bad days.  This morning she at least knew who I was; might not by the time I get back.”



Thomas frowned.  He had never met Charles’s wife Emily but over the years he had learned much about her.  He remembered the day Charles first told him she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  They had been sitting right here.



“You should go home to her then Charles.  You know you don’t have to be here.”



Charles gave him his shut the hell up face.



“I told you years ago Charles you owe me nothing.  You did all you could do for me.  “ much more softly  he added “For Sarah.”



Charles sighed.  “The first year you came here after…”  The words hung. What did you call what they had been through that year.

“I thought I would not be able to face you.  I wasn’t sure if I would be welcome. Then it might have been obligation.” He shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t know, but now, you’re my friend. So I may not owe it to you but I owe it to Sarah.”



It still hurt to hear her name. The loss of Sarah a pain Thomas couldn’t let go.  He had never married, had children because he still carried the hope that one day, maybe one day he would find her. 



“We came to that park that day for a picnic.  I remember the white dress she was wearing. She always looked like an angel to me.  I was going to give her a ring that day you know.”



“I know.  You left it in the car.”



“I left in the car too afraid to bring it with me, afraid she might say no.  But then she was looking at me, her eyes full of everything she felt and I knew.  I knew I would spend every day of the rest of my life with her.  I made her wait on the blanket while I went to get it.  Told her I had a surprise.”  His voice choked, as he struggled with his emotions.



Charles picked up where he left off. “When you came back she was gone. Vanished.” 

Regret so deep still welled inside him. Sarah, the case he couldn’t solve.  In all his years as detective he’d never failed to solve a case; except for Sarah.  He’d not been able to find her, dead or alive. She had left not a trace, a clue of any sort.  She haunted him as he knew she haunted the man beside him.  The need to come every year was a great for him as it was for the man who had loved her.



Both grew silent again, lost in thoughts and memories.  A ghost had shaped their lives for the last 52 years. A ghost they both needed to lay to rest, neither knew how.



Later, when the sun began to set behind the trees they knew their time was almost up.  Their penance served for another year.



“Thank you old friend.”  It was the expression Thomas always used.  It still surprised Charles he was considered a friend.  He had failed; yet Thomas had never blamed him the way he blamed himself.



“Until next year Thomas, I won’t let you down.”  Thomas smiled softly as the other man slowly rose from the bench.  As he was walking away Thomas murmured “You never have.”

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