IF ONLY...

CHAPTER ONE

James packed his silver VW polo in front of the house and slowly switched off the engine, he just didn’t know how he was going to look his wife, Petra, in the eye after the steamy weekend he just had with his work mate. He still found it hard to believe that an innocent working weekend had turned in to an adulterous escapade. They both never meant for it to happen but the bottom line is that it had and he knew there wasn’t anything he would do to convince Petra to forgive him. She will probably walk out on him the moment she knew he had slept with another woman. No, he thought as he shook his head, he wasn’t going to lose her over a silly mistake, ‘What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,’ he whispered as he slowly got out of the car.

He found her in the lounge watching her favorite soap opera. The moment he walked in the room she jumped off the couch and flew in his arms, ‘Oh sweetheart, I missed you so much,’ she breathed as she drew him closer in her embrace. James felt his heart breaking as he held her in his arms, ‘Why didn’t you call and let me know you are coming in?’ she asked as she pulled him to the sofa but he just smiled nervously, ‘Well I just chanced a lift from someone who was coming this way, they dropped me of at the office and I picked up the car, the rest of the guys are still at the lodge,’ he lied, ‘I just missed you so much baby,’ he added as he pulled her in his arms again.

He tried as much to behave like everything was fine but his wife knew him better. She waited until he was well-rested and had something to eat before asking if everything was okay, ‘I am okay sweetie, just tired beyond comprehension,’ he replied with a smile, ‘Well baby, you shouldn’t over work yourself, I have told you time and again to only take on what you can manage. You shouldn’t take after Amber and the others, those people are literally married to their work, that is why she even fails to keep a man,’ Petra said. At the mention of her name, James felt a shiver run down his spine, If only his wife knew what had happened between him and the woman she was talking about, ‘Anyway you should tell her to help me by getting some of the work load off your hands then we can get to spend some time together,’ she said as they got in bed but James just chuckled uncertainly. Amber was surely helping her but just not in the sense she hoped for, he thought as he slid under the covers and pulled Petra in his arms.

James woke up dreading the thought of having to go to the office; he didn’t know how he was going to relate to Amber after last weekend, it had happened so fast that she was just as confused and scared as he was. But thankfully no one else knew what had occurred between them that night. Amber had made it a point to leave his room before anyone else woke up, ‘Come on baby, finish your breakfast, you are going to be late,’ Petra said as she moved around the small kitchen. In the one and half years they have been married his wife always made sure that he was never late for the office, she also made sure he carried everything he needed including his packed lunch. He quickly finished the food on his plate and picked up his briefcase, ‘Thanks honey, I will see you in the evening,’ he said as he got up and kissed her goodbye, ’I love you so much baby,’ he added as an after thought before heading for the door, ‘I love you just as much,’ she called out as he got in the car.

A few minutes after getting to the office, James realized that Amber was trying as much to avoid him. But they finally bumped into each during the tea break, ‘Hi,’ she greeted him in a small voice but he just nodded. They remained quiet for a while, then she added, ‘We really need to talk,’ as she led him towards an empty office, ‘We need to talk about what happened over the weekend,’ she said as soon as the door closed behind them, ‘We both know we never meant to sleep together but all the same it happened but it ends there, I like your wife and respect her, I wouldn’t want to hurt her and that is what is going to happen if she finds out about last weekend,’  James was taken aback by her stance, he didn’t know what to expect from her but surely not this. He just nodded his head as she went on, ‘It was a mistake and I am sure we both regret it but it is in past and we don’t need to bring it up again, go back to your wife and be happy. I hope I have made myself clear,’ she said, ‘Amber...,’ but before he could finish the sentence she stopped him, ‘Are we clear?’ she asked again, this time he just nodded, ‘Good’ she said as a smile spread across her face, ‘See you back at the office,’ she added as she left the room.

James slowly got up and walked out of the room, he felt like a great weight has being lifted off his shoulders, the fact still remains that he cheated on his wife but at least she’ll never have to go through the anguish of finding out. He was glad that Amber is the one who had come up with that resolution. It would have sounded lame and selfish coming from him. But now that they had resolved it he would go back to his normal self and continue enjoying his marriage.  On the way to his booth he by-passed her desk but she just looked up at him and smiled, he +grinned back and went straight to his desk. He picked up the phone and called the Florist. Petra had always had a weakness for red Roses and he always made it a point to buy her some at least after a few months. This incident had made him realize just how much she meant to him and how close he came to loosing her if she had found out about him and Amber. Well it was all in the past now and he would never ever put himself in such a compromising situation again.

A few weeks later James was almost getting over the steamy weekend when he noticed that Amber had not been coming to the office for a few days, ‘Hey Wendy, what is happening to Amber, I haven’t seen her for the past few days,’ he asked the Managing Director’s secretary, ‘She called in sick and got some leave days,’ the young lady answered, ‘Thanks,’ he said as he went to his desk and picked up the phone. He tried calling her mobile phone but it was switched off, ‘She is probably resting,’ he said more to himself than anyone.

He was relieved when she finally came in a few days later, even though she looked so tired and withdrawn. Later in the day he realized that she had started avoiding him again, every time he tried to talk to her in private she always came up with some excuse and rushed back to her desk.  He decided to leave her alone so that she can get over whatever it was that she was going through. 

So he was a bit surprised when she approached him a few days later, ‘we need to talk but not at the office, meet me at Swindlers after work,’ she said. He just nodded as he watched her walked away. He couldn’t help but have an unease feeling about Amber’s attitude, what did she want from him now? He thought she had meant what she said about their one night stand being a mistake. The last thing he needed was for her to start pestering him about it.

Before heading for the pub, James called Petra and told her he will be coming in a bit late, ‘I have a meeting that is likely to start a bit late,’ he lied. They talked for a while and then he hang up. He found Amber waiting for him when he got there, ‘I am sorry but I can’t stay long, my wife gets a bit worried if I am late,’ he said as soon as he sat down, ‘I am also sorry, it is not my intention to keep you from home but I have something really important to tell you,’ she said, then she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, ‘I am pregnant,’ she whispered.

James felt like someone was pouring icy cold water on him, ‘What do you mean you’re pregnant?’ he asked foolishly, but she just stared back at him with tears in her eyes. What was he going to do? He thought as he covered his face with both hands. They remained silent for a while until she broke the silence, ‘I really never meant for this to happen but it has and I just don’t know what to do,’ she said tearfully.  James just shook his head, trying to clear it. Petra wasn’t going to forgive him for this, in her book that was the ultimate betrayal, especially since they have been trying to conceive since they got married. She is probably going to think he did it on purpose. But he loved her too much to keep something like this from her, his thoughts where disrupted by Amber’s voice, ‘I know this is probably the last thing you need, if you don’t want to accept this baby I can get rid of it,’ she said quietly. But James just shook his head, he would never live with himself knowing he allowed her to terminate the pregnancy, he just had to find a way around it, ‘That is not an option, I know it will probably come with a lot of complications but a child is a gift from God, it doesn’t matter how it was conceive, we have no right to take it’s life,’ he said determinately., ‘And your wife?’ she asked. At the mention of his wife, James felt like a giant hand was pressing down on his chest, ‘The sooner she knows the better, I have never been very good at hiding things from her anyway,’ he answered as he noticed her broken expression, ‘I am so sorry,’ she whispered as she started crying again but he just remained quiet.

James waited for a few days before bringing up to the subject of the baby to his wife.  They were watching a movie when he reluctantly informed her that he had something very important to tell her, ‘O h sweetie can’t it wait after the movie it is just getting to the exciting part,’ she said as she snuggled close to him. He felt his throat become dry as he looked down her happy face, but when she noticed his sombre expression, she switched off the TV and sat up, ‘What is it baby? Is everything okay?’ she asked worriedly.  James tried to speak but the words just couldn’t come out. But up on realizing that his silence was only agitating her  more he slowly cleared his throat,  ‘Well honey, the thing is that I did something horrible,’ he started, ‘Do you remember the business trip to lower Zambezi?’ he asked and waited until she nodded, ‘Well something happened between me and Amber?’ He said in a hoarse voice, he felt rather than saw her tense up then and move away from him, ‘Are you telling me  you slept with her?’ she asked in disbelief. He just nodded without looking up at her, he heard her start crying, the sound of her sobs really broke his heart, ‘Honey I am so sorry but we both never meant for it to happen,’ but Petra just shook her head, this was proving to be too much for her, ‘When we came back we talked about it and decided for your sake not to have anything to do with each other, everything even went back to the way it was, but a few days ago she informed me that she was pregnant,’ he said quickly before he lost his nerve. Surprisingly instead of the outburst he expected, his wife just got up and went to their bedroom.

He remained seated alone in the lounge wondering what to do next; he heard her talking on the phone but couldn’t make out who she was talking to.  After a few minutes he got up and followed her. He found the room in a mess as she sorted her clothes from his and put hers in an open suitcase, ‘Baby, please don’t do this,’ he pleaded as he knelt in front of her but she just ignored him and went on packing, he tried to move close to her but she pushed him away, ‘Don’t touch me,’ she hissed. He sat back on his heels and felt tears come to his eyes, ‘Do you mind,’ she said coldly as she moved around him. James slowly got up and left the room.

He sat quietly in the lounge feeling so lost and wrecked, he just didn’t know how he was going to cope without his wife. It was all so unreal and scary, Petra always yelled when she was upset about something, she usually express herself and got it over with but he realized that silence was a more lethal weapon because it didn’t give him the opportunity to know what she was thinking. So he went on seating on the couch waiting for her to make her next move.

Almost half an hour later he heard a car pull up front, then a knock on the door, he got up and opened the door, ‘Hey man, is everything alright?’  Petra’s brother asked him as soon as he came in but before he could respond his wife came in the room dragging a suitcase, ‘Help me with this,’ she said to her brother. James just looked away; avoiding his brother-in-law’s baffled expression, ‘What happened man?’  He asked again after his sister left the room, but James just shrugged his shoulders, not trusting his voice. He watched silently as they continued piling his wife’s things in the car. Finally she came to where he stood and with a calm expression looked up at him, ‘Good bye James, I hope you’ll be happy with your new found family,’ she said.  Before he had time to answer she turned on her heels and left the house. Left alone and in a trance-like state, James walked to the liquor cabinet and removed a bottle of whiskey then winced as he poured the liquid down his throat, ‘Please baby, come back,’ he whispered to the empty room as he slowly sat on the carpeted floor.

James could hardly remember how he got in bed but he woke up with the most ghastly hangover the following day. He slowly got up and headed for the bathroom as he tried to recall last night’s events. He felt the hurt and confused as he remembered what happened between him and Petra. He stood under the shower and let the water wash away his tears. He really didn’t want to go for work but he remembered that he had an important presentation to make to some investors. He slowly got out of the shower and started preparing for the day ahead.

‘We must call for a family meeting as soon as possible,’ Petra,s mother said as she tried to convince her daughter to eat something but Petra just remained mute, no matter how much they tried to persuade her she was never going to go back to James. She still found it hard to believe that her loving husband had betrayed her in such a manner; she just didn’t know how she was going to live with it. Every time she thought about it tears came to her eyes, she looked down at her uneaten food and felt like throwing the plate against the wall. She never really knew she could feel so much pain, since James broke the news to her she has been walking around like a zombie, unable to concentrate on anything, ‘I am going back to bed,’ she said as she unsteadily got up, ‘But what about your breakfast?’ her mother asked but she just shook her head as she left the room.

When he got to the office, James avoided talking to anyone and went straight to his booth, he switched on his computer and tried to concentrate on work but his head felt ten times its normal size. He opened his drawer, took out a bottle of aspirin and headed for the kitchen. He had just taken two tablets when Amber came in with an empty coffee mug, ‘Good morning, I didn’t see you coming in,’ she said lightly as she poured herself some tea. When he didn’t answer her she looked up at him with a hurtful expression but when she saw how horrible he was looking she quickly rushed to his side, ‘Hey are you okay?’ she asked in a concerned tone but James just shook his head, ‘I told Petra about our situation and she walked out on me,’ he said in a hoarse voice. Amber just stood there in stunned silence, ‘Hey why are guys whispering to each other like secret lovers,’ another workmate commented as she came in the kitchen. Caught off guide, James whispered something unintelligent and quickly left.



Chapter two

Petra sat quietly staring down at her hands as the people around her discussed her marriage like she wasn’t in the room, ‘our in-laws please bear with us we accept that we have done something wrong but we sincerely beg for your forgiveness,’ James’s uncle said with emphasis. Petra slowly raised her eyes and looked at her husband, like a scolded child, he sat silently with his head bowed.  She went back to staring at her hands as her husband’s uncle continued, ‘our son is ready to accept the child but not the woman thus we see no reason why our daughter feels she has to leave her matrimonial home,’ he said. Petra looked around the room and noticed that everyone was on her husband’s side, all of them wanted her to go back and behave like nothing happened.  Well they were in for a surprise if they thought this gathering was going to change her mind.

James was a bit taken back by everyone’s reaction towards his plight; they all seemed to put the blame on Amber rather than him.  Even his father-in-law seemed sympathetic towards him, and by the rate the meeting was going he was sure he would have his wife back home before the end of the day, ‘We understand your point sir but what surety do we have that our daughter is safe in this marriage?’ his father-in-law asked but his uncle quickly dispersed his fears, ‘James has assured us that he still loves his wife so much and will never do anything to jeopardize their marriage again,’ he said.  Petra’s father looked around the room and asked ‘Any objection?’ but when everyone remained quiet he continued, ‘Well I guess that is settled now, our daughter’s leaving her husband’s house was out of hurt and confusion. She was probably upset and stunned by his betrayal but now that we have sat down and talked about it as a family I am sure she is willing to forgive him and move forward,’ he said.

Petra felt like her chest was about to explode, how dare they treated her like a child who wouldn’t make her own decisions.  They were busy making resolutions for her like she wasn’t even in the room. Her life has always been about doing things that made people around her happy but not anymore, this time she was putting herself first. She loudly cleared her throat and waited until everyone turned towards her, then she addressed her husband’s uncle, ‘Well sir, it seems like everyone has agreed that I should go back to my matrimonial home, which I am willing to do if you just answer one question,’ she said calmly.  Her uncle-in-law just grinned and nodded his head, convinced that Petra was willing to go back, but his smile quickly disappeared when she started talking again, ‘If I had a one night stand with a colleague and up on realizing I am pregnant I inform my husband and in the presence of all of you beg for his forgiveness and ask him to take me back and accept my illegitimate child,  would you all advice him to just forget everything that has happened and take me back as his wife?’ she asked as she looked around the room.

James felt his newly built house of cards come tumbling down; he never expected this from his wife. She has just managed to take everything they just talked about for the last three hours and turn it into ashes. Everyone was too stunned to say anything, even his uncle who seemed to have an answer to every question remained silent.  He slowly raised his gaze and looked up at his wife but she just sat there waiting for his uncle’s response, ‘I didn’t think so,’ she said as the silent in the room continued, ‘I know my parents and relatives wouldn’t like anything more than see me back in my husband’s home but I am sorry to disappoint you, I am not going back, James has a new family now, he wanted a child so much that when I didn’t give him one he went out and impregnated another woman, it was his decision and now he has to live with the consequences of his actions,’ she said in an unsympathetic voice.

James tried to say something but the lump on his throat was making it difficult to talk, ‘Please baby, I am so sorry ,’ he finally managed to whisper but his wife was adamant.

Up on being embarrassed by their daughter-in-law his relatives seemed ready to leave. Finally his father-in-law spoke up,  ‘I am sorry about our daughter’s outburst, it seems like she is still very upset over the whole episode. Just give us a few days she will be back in her husband’s house,’ he said determinately.  But even as he uttered the words James could see his wife shaking her head and once Petra made up her mind it wasn’t as easy to convince her otherwise.  Even as they dispersed they all knew that it was a loosing battle but to just put up face both families acted like there was still room for reconciliation.

After the meeting, Petra went straight to the room she was sharing with her sister and buried her face in her hands, what have I done? She thought as she rocked back and forth and let the tears run down her face.  A few minutes later her mother came in and sat next to her, up on seeing her daughter’s tear-stained face, she put her arms around her and pulled her close. She waited until Petra’s sobs subsided then she quietly asked, ‘Are sure this is what you want sweetheart?’ and when her daughter didn’t say anything she added, ‘Do you realize that you are giving this woman your marriage on a silver platter,’  then regretted it as soon as her Petra started crying again.

James’ uncle and the others sat in his lounge and discussed what had happened at the meeting earlier on,  ‘It seems like as far as your wife is concerned this marriage is finished, kaput,’ his uncle said but James was still lost for words, ‘Well is it our fault that she hasn’t been conceiving all this while? Our son had to go out and prove that he wasn’t the one with the problem here,’ his aunt added. But he just remained quite, his thoughts where somewhere else. What was he going to do without his wife? Their separation made him realize that his life actually rotate around her, if he had to work late she’s the first person who came to mind, if he was given a new project she’d been the first person he would tell, everything he did in his life was for Petra and now that she was gone it all seemed like it was not worth it.  His chain of thoughts were disrupted by his uncle voice, ‘If she goes on like this and adamantly refuses to come home, then you have no option but to bring in the other woman,’ he said. But at his uncle’s suggestion, James felt his temper rising, this is the last thing he needed, ‘I am going to do anything in my power to win my wife back and Amber is never going to take her place,  now please I am very tired and need some rest,’ he said in  an unfriendly tone. He said quietly as one after another his relatives filed out the house. Then he went to the bedroom, buried his head in his wife’s pillow and cried himself to sleep.

A few weeks later his mind was still not getting used to the idea of the separation. It seemed like his life was on auto-pilot. He got up in the morning, went for work, tried as much to avoid everyone and just concentrate on his work. At the end of the day he would go back home, have some take away, half a bottle of brandy then go to sleep. The following day it would be the same routine. But the person he didn’t want to cross paths with was Amber and fortunate enough up on notice his behavior she also made it a point to stay out of his way.

But a few days later she approached his desk and quietly sat down, ‘Are you alright?’ she asked but he just nodded and tried to keep himself busy, ‘Have you looked in the mirror lately?’ she asked with a hint of humor in her voice. James looked up at her and smiled weakly, ‘What, am I looking like a street bum?’ he asked but Amber just smiled, ‘Close to that, but what is wrong?’ she asked again, ‘Well my life has kind of fallen apart since Petra refused to reconcile,’ he said in a hoarse voice, ‘Oh James, I am so sorry, I didn’t know it was that bad,’ she said in a broken voice. They remained quiet for a while, and then she slowly got up and excused herself, ‘I am sorry but I am to go, I have an appointment with the doctor,’ she said. James was take aback and quickly looked up at her, ‘Are you alright, I hope everything is fine,’ but she just smiled sadly, ‘nothing is wrong it’s just an appointment with the gynecologist,’ she said as she left his desk. James realized that he was so wrapped up in his misery that he had completely forgot why he was in this situation in the first place. He had agreed to take care of the baby and that also included before it was born. He got up and went to Amber’s desk, ‘Do you mind if I tag along for the visit to the doctor?’ he asked uncertainly but Amber just grinned and nodded.

‘Hey sis, are you going to the boutique today?’ Bertha asked her elder sister as she gently shook her. Petra slowly opened her eyes and looked up her sister, ‘What time is it?’ she asked in a sleepy voice, ‘Almost ten am, just as well you left the keys with Sandra,’ she added. She tried to sit up but felt like the room was spinning around, ‘I am actually not feeling well, I have had this persistent headache for the past few days and now I have started feeling woozy,’ she said.  Bertha sat next to her and rested her hand on her forehead, ‘Well you don’t have a fever but it would be better if you went in to see Dr. Challis because if it’s malaria it’s best to start treatment as soon as possible, is he still your doctor even after the separation?’ she asked as an after-thought but Petra just remained quiet.

James just sat there, astonishingly staring at the screen of the ultrasound machine; he remembered how he and Petra had decided, before they got married that they would start keeping their baby’s pictures before it was born. And now he was staring at his unborn baby and the only hitch was that it was not Petra carrying his child. He even wondered about what his aunt said if she was the reason of their childlessness. But he quickly pushed the thought away and concentrated on what the doctor was saying about their baby.

Petra sat in the hospital lounge and flipped through a magazine, ‘I really hate hospitals,’ she whispered to her sister as she looked around the room but Bertha just laughed, ‘I know but don’t worry will be out of here as soon as possible,’ she said. Just then the nurse came out and called out Petra’s name.

‘So how about we get something to eat, my treat,’ Amber said as they walked towards the car but James was still overwhelmed by the sight of their baby so he just nodded.  They drove to a near by restaurant and found a quiet table. They ordered their food and sat in silence as they waited for the drinks. Reality was finally dawning on James; he was going to be a father. Despite the circumstances of its conception this baby deserves the best from both parents and he was determined to be the best father and to provide the best for his child,’ It’s so amazing and frightening, everything is becoming so real,’ Amber said in a small voice. James looked up at her and smiled, ‘I know the feeling, right now I feel so confused and scared but also happy,’ he said shaking his head. They fell silent again until Amber said, ‘I really glad you came with me, it made things a lot easier for me I really appreciate it,’ lost for words James just nodded his head.

Petra sat in the consultation room waiting for the doctor to come in with the results; she was so glad the man had not asked after her husband. James was the last person she wanted to talk to right now. The doctor came in the room and with a smile sat behind the desk, ‘I know your husband is a very busy person but it would have been wonderful if he was around for this news,’ he said as he sat down. Petra felt herself awash with fear. She almost knew for certain where the doctor was going with the statement and as soon as the thought crossed her mind the doctor confirmed it, ‘Congratulation Mrs. Theo, you are pregnant,’ he said as he extended his arm.