Homestuck Script: Movie 1, Act 2

The camera then turns ninety degrees clockwise, revealing a bandage-wrapped man with skin the color of a black chess piece typing at a computer, who jumps a bit as he accidentally presses the "CAPS LOCK" button. The camera then turns back.
ACT 2: RAISE OF THE CONDUCTOR'S BATON
The curtains quickly open again, revealing John's house on the pinnacle of what looks like some sort of mountain-like rock. The kernel then divides, leaving behind the Jestersprite. A voice then echoes.
WV: Boy.
JOHN: Whoa!
John jumps, looking around for someone before laughing a bit awkwardly.
JOHN: Just my imagination...
WV: YOU THERE. BOY!
JOHN: ...Hello?
WV: Listen to me, boy.
JOHN: My name's John!
WV: Boy who is John, obey my commands.
JOHN: And those are...?
WV: I would like the boy to interact with his environment in a constructive manner.
John then begins walking around his house.
JOHN: You know, you could be a little more specific...
WV: Have the boy assess the current situation.
JOHN: You don't have to put it in third person. You are talking to me.
WV: Very well.
JOHN: ...Okay?
A "==>" arrow then appears, then another, until there are about 10 surrounding JOHN: He flips out, running back to his room to get away. As soon as WV speaks again they vanish.
WV: John! Quit all this scurrying around! Respond to your friend unit!
JOHN: A-alright!
John pulls out the PDA.
ROSE: I've been watching you scramble though your house like a lunatic. Why didn't you answer me earlier?
JOHN: Sorry! I was looking for my dad! Have you seen him?
ROSE: (shakes her head) I'm sure he'll turn up. We have more important things to address.
JOHN: Like where I am?
ROSE: Even I don't know that. You were transported away right before your neighborhood was desecrated by the meteor. It's been happening quite a bit in the past few days, all over the world. But yours? The biggest they've identified so far.
JOHN: ...okay...? So the point of all this is to save the world.
ROSE: ...Perhaps.
JOHN: Then let's get moving! Oh, hey. You're forgetting something!
ROSE: I was going to send you something, but I was running late with it. That said, happy birthday John.
JOHN: Haha, oh wow! Anyway, thanks!
WV: Now do as the purple girl says. To the balcony! And pick up the blue wobbly thing while you're there.
JOHN: Uh... Okay. You're the boss.
WV: You mean mayor.
JOHN: ...Right.
He picks up the totem when he gets to the balcony.
ROSE: You seem to be talking to yourself again. Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?
JOHN: Now's not really the time for psychoanalysis.
ROSE: Right. Now is the time for prototyping the Kernelsprite again, as well as getting the Server disc. My laptop battery won't last forever.
JOHN: Laptop. Right.
Rose creates a ledge leading near the car.
ROSE: And there goes the last of the build Grist.
JOHN: "Build Grist"?
ROSE: Build Grist is apparently a game mechanic used to modify the client's environment. I used most of it earlier repairing the bathroom.
JOHN: Oh. I'm gonna go get the sprite. Catchpalogue totem.
John begins to head inside as the totem is snapped up by his deck.
WV: No! Don't do that! Hop off the ledge onto that car!
JOHN: Doesn't that sound, you know, dangerous?
Three arrows appear.
JOHN: Okay, now you're just being a pest! What turnip truck did you just tumble out of? Who are you???
YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...
Cut to the present-day location of WV's exile base, which is revealed to be in a crater and quickly ages into what is is now. The black carapacian is shown walking through the desert into a tunnel, pulling the wrapping around his face a bit tighter to keep the sand out.
YEARS IN THE PAST...
Cut back to JOHN: The cursor has just picked up a Betty Crocker box, ready to prototype the sprite.
JOHN: Ugh, you're gonna use cake mix?
ROSE: I'm running low on battery power, you know.
JOHN: FINE.
Every time she nears the sprite it flies to another part of the room. You hear her sigh as she drops the box, picking up Colonel Sassacre's.
JOHN: FUCK YES! Now we're talking!!!
ROSE: Try to distract it.
The sprite moves out of the way right before she drops the book. The book hits the ground, and the house rattles. Nanna's ashes dump onto the sprite while it is caught unaware. John quickly runs into the other room, looking around frantically.
ROSE: ...Oh well. Our next task is getting your server copy from your father's car. You need to connect to my client, so I can presumably join you wherever you are before my house burns to the ground.
JOHN: There's a fire?!
ROSE: There will be soon.
JOHN: Then let's hurry! Can you get this thing out of the doorway?
ROSE: We have zero grist, while it costs a few hundred to move.
JOHN: Well... I thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that's dumb.
ROSE: ...I have an idea. Meet me upstairs.
The cursor vanishes as the echoing voice of an old woman's chuckle echoes around. John runs upstairs as Dave pesters him.
DAVE: Hey, bro. Check it out. I'm working on some new rhymes.
JOHN: Dude, I don't have time for your nerdy raps!
DAVE: This is hells of ill. Just listen.
JOHN: I'm busy! I have to go!
DAVE: Wait wait.
As Rose attempts to pick up the car, Dave raps aimlessly.
DAVE: Ben or Bruce? Dudes, c'mon, reach a truce. Put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it. Affleck's saclifice, I mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. Aw, fluck it.
Rose accidentally drops the car.
DAVE: Bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross, gettin' hella Christ-plagiarous. Bruce's like "Offa that crucifix, nuff a this fuckin' saviour-fuss!" Ash tray caterin' to layers of Matt MaConnahey's vague remainder-dust... Wait. Was he even in one of those meteor movies?
JOHN: SHUT UP!!!
DAVE: I should write a rap about Morgan Freemen being president. Called "Obama made it so no one gives a--"
Jade's face replaces Dave's.
JADE: John! The weirdest thing just happened! There was a huuuuuuge explosion!
JOHN: Was it a meteor?
JADE: (gasps) How did you know??
JOHN: Long story. Anyway, are you okay?
JADE: No, I'm fine! It landed pretty far away. Bec doesn't want me near it... Oh yeah! Did you get my package?
JOHN: Well... You see, it was in my dad's car, but Rose just dropped it into a bottomless pit and I'm sorry.
JADE: That sounds really crazy and kinda... scary, but pretty cool too!
JOHN: A lot of weird stuff's been happening while you were gone. I was supposed to help save Rose from meteors and fire and shit, but she lost battery power and I lost the game disc! So I think I have to get TG to use his copy. But he's being a jackass and won't shut up!
JADE: Ahaha! He's so silly!
JOHN: ...Right. BRB.
Dave's face appears onscreen again.
DAVE: When the film crew zooms where the president's at, I'm like, "If that dude's black I'll eat my hat!" Turns out he is, so we're all, "Damn, director's got gumption." Like we'll all flip our shit, he ain't shining shoes or somethin--
JOHN: Stop rapping for one fucking second, you horse's ass! This is important!
DAVE: Sup.
JOHN: I lost my server disc, Rose lost battery power, and her house is about to burn down. She said she was going to find a power source, so it's up to you to get her out of there using your copy.
DAVE: ...My copy? Well, you see--
JOHN: Oh god what.
DAVE: I lost it. Long story.
JOHN: Didn't you say you had two copies?
DAVE: One's my bro's copy, and he's gonna be pissed if I take it.
JOHN: Whatever. Also, you might wanna read Rose's walkthrough.
DAVE: Oh man. The girl tends to lay it on kinda thick, y'know?
John does an overly exaggerated eyeroll as the scene changes to Rose, who is heading back down to the house. In the top-right corner of the screen it shows her inventory, while the bottom-left shows her strife specibus, containing only basic knitting needles. She makes her way into the hall, where the scene suddenly changes to DAVE:
He's sitting there, headphones blasting Shame and Doubt while he scribbles out his latest Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic as he talks on his computer, the Pesterchum box where John's face would be is a black window. Next to him are an unopened bottle of apple juice and a blue box. The camera then pans around the room. Seen are a fan on full blast, a camera sitting alongside a variety of photographs, petrified birds and mammals, turntables and a couple posters for fairly unknown bands.
DAVE: Dude, what are you doing? ... (shrugs) Whatever, man. Talk to ya later.
Dave closes Pesterchum and spins around in the computer chair.
DAVE: Captchalogue box and apple juice.
On his screen now is one of the updates of Midnight Crew. The two items disappear, reappearing in the 5 and 7 cards in his sylladex. Almost immediately after his Pesterchum window opens on its own, Rose's face filling the screen as he pulls his headphones off.
ROSE: You know, Strider, in some cultures refusing a lady's invitation to play a game multiple times is a sign of wanton disrespect. Or flagrant homosexuality.
DAVE: What. No. I'm busy. I'm sort of a big deal, okay?
ROSE: It must be hard to keep a low profile in public when you're constantly overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."
DAVE: Seriously, dudes be worshippin' me left and right. I can't hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate.
ROSE: Maybe you should adapt the art of parkour to make it easier to navigate the urban landscape of buildings, deferential flesh and skyward asses.
DAVE: I mean damn. There's this scruffy little shit at my feet, an orphan or something I don't know, face flush on the pavement. I'm like, "Dude. You listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?" He braves a look then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off.
ROSE: (sighs) Heavy is the crown.
DAVE: My gift to the world is not kicking Oliver Twist in the fucking face every day, among other things. I just give and fucking give.
ROSE: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.
DAVE: Oh, for fuck's sake. You're just lobbying for me to play that goddamn game.
ROSE: (fakes a gasp) Baseless accusation!
DAVE: How about this: If you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then I'll play. Will that make you happy?
ROSE: More than you know. It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.
Dave closes Pesterchum and unplugs his headphones as he tosses them onto the desk. Music (Beatdown (Strider Style)) starts playing out loud.
DAVE: Captchalogue ninja sword.
The juice flies out of his sylladex, coating his turntables and Beta copies. Freaking out he jumps up, running to the bathroom to grab a towel.
DAVE: (stumbling over his words) C-captchalogue damp towel-- Shit, I mean-- (The box is then ejected from his sylladex. With a loud groan he says,) Change damp towel to towel. (The towel then moves to the 8 card, and he runs back to his room as he yells,) Captchalogue box!
Dave sets the betas on his windowsill as he dries the turntables off. The fan, rotating back and forth, causes the betas to jostle as if they're about to fall. Luckily, he reaches out and clicks the fan off before that can happen.
DAVE: Crisis averted.
A crow swoops into the room, flying around in circles before grabbing the betas and flying back out the window.]
DAVE: (pointing at the bird) STOP!
The word "STOP" materializes near him, consonants turning blue and vowels turning red. Numbers appear underneath each letter, and the ninja sword flies out of his sylladex. DAVE pauses, and the whole room is silent except for the chirping of birds outside. He walks over to the window, staring down at the bird corpse on the roof of the next building over, about ten floors down.
DAVE: ...No one can ever know about this.
The view changes to Rose, descending into her living room. Rushing water can be heard under the floor. She pauses as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, eyes narrowing at the large, twenty-foot-tall statue in the middle of the room. "PSYCHOANALYSIS MODE!" appears next to her as the camera zooms in on her eyes, which dart quickly back and forth. The camera follows where she's looking.
ROSE: Just look at that... that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled. Detestable. Mother most likely hates them too, collecting them only to spite me. Ohhhh is she a committed woman.
She comes out of that 'mode', heading into the kitchen.
ROSE: Drat. Oh well, I'll just use the front.
Rose vaults over the couch, knocking a few wizard statues to the floor in the process.
ROSE: Lousy goddamn stupid wizards!
She darts over to the front door where Mom appears, holding a martini and a feather duster.
ROSE: Out of the way, please, Mother. I need to go outside.
MOM: I think hic not, my dear.
ROSE: Very well then.
Rose pulls out her needles and tries to swipe at her mother, who dodges every attack. So quickly realizes she's wasting time.
ROSE: I'm wasting time here, Mother. I need to go help my friend.
Rose leaves her mother to dust Zazzerpann and goes out the back door. She sees a back-up generator near a Mausoleum.
ROSE: There's the generator!
Upon retrieving her umbrella, her Sylladex falls apart.
ROSE: Captchalogue items on ground.
The items leap back into her Sylladex rearranging themselves neatly as Rose trudges her way across the ground to the generator. She grabs the cord and enters the small tomb. In the center is a small coffin, which Rose looks at sadly.
ROSE: Sorry, Jaspers, but you've got to move!
She pushes the coffin off the ledge it's on, revealing a dead cat wearing a suit inside. She sets up her laptop, causing her things to fall out again, and plugs the cord into it.
She reconnects with John, who is standing in his room.
ROSE: John, are you alright? And why is there oil all over your floor?
JOHN: Oh, some weird monster came in and tried to attack me with the bunny Dave gave me. Got the little critter, though.
{deleted scene shows John's Imp encounter}
ROSE: Oh. Well, why don't you go outside and see where you are.
JOHN: Okay.
John walks over to the door and opens it slightly. Immediately, a bucket of water lands on his head.
JOHN: GAH!
John turns around and throws the bucket off, then is shocked to see Nannasprite chuckling at him.
JOHN: Nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Yes, dearie!
JOHN: Wow, that was a good one, you scared the daylights outta me!
NANNASPRITE: The bucket-over-door trick. A classic!
JOHN: Are you really my Nanna!
NANNASPRITE: Of course dear! I've come back to help you through the Medium and beyond! I'm sure you'll become a fine young man like your father!
JOHN: Oh, okay. He said I was really young when you died. Speaking of Dad, where is he? I haven't seen him anywhere!
NANNASPRITE: He was kidnapped by the forces of Darkness.
JOHN: Oh no!
NANNASPRITE: No need to worry, he can take care of himself.
JOHN: Good. So what is this "Medium" you're talking about? Are we like, in a computer or something?
{extended scene: Nanna pulls his leg about computers}
NANNASPRITE: No, dear, the software was merely a gateway. It provides the way for this realm to exist, and yet it always has!
JOHN: Okay, I'm confused!
NANNASPRITE: Why don't we take a look at the big picture?
JOHN: Okay....
{Skies of Skaia, full}
As Nannasprite explains, camera pans upward through seven Spirogragh gates, each one a light blue. After the seventh gate, a brightly glowing planet appears, clouds shining.
NANNASPRITE: Above the Medium, above the seven Gates, is a place known as Skaia. It lies at the center of the Incipisphere, which is where we are now, and is a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. I can't explain exactly what that means, though. But where something this important exists, there will always be forces of light charged with its defense, and forces of darkness who covet its destruction!
JOHN: Cool!
The camera approaches Skaia's center where a 3 by 3 chessboard floats. Upon it, a black king and a white king, locked in check, circle each-other.
NANNASPRITE: At Skaia's core lies the Battlefield, where the aforementioned forces do battle, and were trapped in an eternal stalemate until you arrived.
JOHN: Me? But what did I do?
NANNASPRITE: Do you recall the sprite, John? When it hatched, data was sent to four spires on Derse, the shadowy kingdom of darkness, and to four spires on Prospit, the golden kingdom of light! These spires sit above a throne, upon which sit the Queen. This "prototyping" changed the Battlefield, adapting itself according to the data.
The Battlefield grows to a 16 by 16 board as the kings develop harlequin motifs. More pieces, some occupying multiple squares, appear, and begin to move against each-other.
NANNASPRITE: However, Prospit's forces are always destined to lose.
WV: A quest of futility then.
JOHN: Then what's the point of the battle?
NANNASPRITE: That is for you to find out. At the moment, your goal is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house.
JOHN: And how do I do that?
NANNASPRITE: You build!
JOHN: So once I reach Skaia, I get to save the world? dances a little
NANNASPRITE: Not quite.
JOHN: stops dancing abruptly Wait, what?
NANNASPRITE: Earth is quite doomed. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.
JOHN: Then what do I do when I get to Skaia?
NANNASPRITE: I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart boy! Now, I'm going to bake some cookies!
JOHN: Thanks Nanna.
Nannasprite floats out through the wall, leaving blue goop where she went through.
WV: Go get the cookies.
JOHN: No. Not gonna happen.
WV: Do it!
JOHN: whines I don't wanna!
The cursor repeatedly bonks John with the box, but he doesn't pay attention.
WV: Stupid boy! GET THE COOKIES!
JOHN: NO!
The camera zooms out show WV typing in all caps to John.
WV: typing JOHN I hits Caps lock command you to get the cookies boy.
JOHN: Wow, you're stubborn. But the answer is still NO!
WV: Fine then.
Near WV, a hatch pops open, revealing cans and a book on etiquette
WV: FOOD!
He takes out a mail box flag and cuts open a can, eating the contents. The camera leaves WV to his meal, and returns to Dave grabbing a katana from his wall.
DAVE: Hey, I wonder....
Dave looks out the window at the bird's corpse.
DAVE: Nope. It's long gone. Man, what is up with this heat?
Dave exits his room and goes to the living room. He moves a puppet out of his way. He looks around for Bro's Mannequin
DAVE: Wonder where Lil' Cal is?
He notes that Bro left the Xbox on. Behind Dave, a shadowy figure moves and places a puppet behind him.
DAVE: That's odd. Bro never just abandons a - notices puppet behind him Oh, there you are Cal!
Dave grabs one of Cal's arms and fistbumps the puppet. He then goes and messes around on Bro's computer. The shadowy figure from earlier moves Cal over to Dave again.
DAVE: spots Cal Oh, uh...hey, Cal! God, these puppets are really starting to creep me out!
Dave pulls out his red iPhone and attempts to contact John, but he doesn't respond.
DAVE: Dude? Dude, hello? Are you there? Must be busy.
Rose contacts Dave.
ROSE: Did you get your copy of the game yet?
DAVE: My Bro's copy, actually; long story. Don't tell John, but I'm starting to get a bit freaked out about the puppets.
ROSE: You mean your brother's collection?
DAVE: Don't get me wrong, they're cool, but he's going a bit too far with the things! Anyway, what's the dork up to?
ROSE: He's preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
DAVE: laughs Later.
The camera shifts through the screen to Rose, who closes Dave's window and opens the Sburb window, where John is freaking out about cookies for some reason. Rose picks up the box and hits him in the head a bit.
ROSE: John, what are you doing? Snap out of it. We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think? Fine. Enjoy your stupor. I'll go about my business elsewhere.
Rose directs the Sburb window viewer to the study. Where a desk, a piano, and a safe reside. Moving the piano into what's left of the backyard, she replaces it with a machine the game calls a Punch Designix.
ROSE: I wonder what this does? contacts John John, when you're done with your hysterics, check out the machine I placed in the study. It's called the Punch Designix. I don't know what it does, so you go figure it out. The information will come in handy later. Oh, and your house and yard are infested with Imps. Be careful.
John looks out the window and sees the Imps dancing around on a slime Ghost pogo ride.
JOHN: I see. They're messing up all my stuff!
ROSE: There you are!
JOHN: Yeah, sorry. Lost control there for a moment. I'm good now.
John looks outside to see the Imps riding the pogo ride crazily and playing the piano. All of them are dressed up like Harlequins.
JOHN: Grr... nobody risks painful injury on that thing but me!
Rose picks up the piano and drops it on the imp sitting on the ride. The imp bursts into Grist, which looks like giant blue and purple Gushers.
JOHN: Rose, my piano!
ROSE: Sorry, these controls are a pain! Besides, one piano isn't the end of the world.
JOHN: True.
ROSE: Now you need to go get the Grist. I can't interact with it directly.
JOHN: In person?
ROSE: Yes, is that a problem?
JOHN: Well, I was hoping to avoid Nanna and her ghost cookies.
ROSE: Hmm... let me try something.
Rose tries to fling the Grist on the pogo up to John, then simply rips up the pogo and places it in the bathtub. John snags the Grist.
ROSE: There. Now why don't you check out the Designix? You can do that while I get to work.
JOHN: On what?
The camera returns to a display on Rose's computer as she creates a staircase.
ROSE: Your Nanna said to build. And that is exactly what I will do. However, this will take a lot of Grist. You're going to be busy.
JOHN: Aw. What are you building?
ROSE: Stairs. They are fairly expensive actually.
JOHN: oh man... I could have warned you about stairs, Rose!
ROSE: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
Rose removes most of the catwalk and regains some grist.
JOHN: in a slightly deeper voice It keeps happening!
ROSE: Ah, good. It looks like I can get refunds.
JOHN: normal voice I told you Rose! I told you about stairs!
ROSE: chuckles Okay! Consider me fully briefed on the matters of stairs. giggles a bit more, then calms down Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in the non sequitur of Dave's comic.
JOHN: He is so lame! Puppets are SO not cool!
Rose builds a platform above Dad's room, using up just about all of the Build Grist.
ROSE: Well, it's not enough for an observatory, but at least I have a base for later construction.
The camera returns to John, who is prowling his house for stray imps.
JOHN: looking through bathroom cabinet Nope, none in here. But the shaving cream might come in handy later! Captchalogue two cans.
The Sylladex snaps up a pair, flinging the telescope out the open window.
JOHN: Whoops. Oh well, no biggie! Might as well bring the pogo too.
He captchalogues the pogo ride as well, expelling the towel, which drops back down onto the rack. Rose checks up on Nannasprite, who has baked a ton of cookies. An imp attempts to steal one, and is zapped by Nannasprite.
NANNASPRITE: Not for you!
John exits the bathroom and finds imps all over the main room.
JOHN: Aw, man! Cruxite and goo everywhere!
John uncaptchalogues the ghost pogo, pulls out his original hammer, and begins bouncing along, crushing imps.

JOHN: This is incredibly dangerous! (bounces down the stairs) Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster (pogo lands on some Cruxite) WHOA!

John flies off the pogo and is knocked out for a moment. He sits up clutching his head.

JOHN: That hurt.

WV: Mister John, respectfully ask that you please stand up.

John jumps to his feet, grabs the pogo, and holds a can of shaving cream to its head.

JOHN: Don't move or the pogo gets it!

The Imps freeze in terror.

WV: Now, flee from the boorish rabble post-haste.

John vaults over an imp into the study which has a pair of imps inside. Rose uses the fridge to crush that hatless imp and nudges it into the doorway.

WV: Congratulations.

JOHN: I feel really good right now!

ROSE: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.  There's some imps behind you. Should I take care of it? John, hello? You trapped your PDA, didn't you. Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream? So pointless.

WV: might I trouble you for a can opener?

Rose grabs the safe in the corner, drags it above the area of the roof that the Imp is under, and drops it, crushing the Imp and breaking the door open.

JOHN: A can opener? Might be one in the kitchen, but the fridge is in the way.

The Camera zooms out of WV's screen to show him eating the pages of a book on etiquette. The camera zooms back in on John's screen as it changes to Rose's, who is typing a walkthrough. She saves her progress, and begins building a foundation for a loft above John's room by copy-pasting the chimney four times, using 40 out of 80 units of Grist. She then constructs another platform on top of the chimneys, costing 25 Grist. Next, she creates a ladder by copying the balcony railing, rotating it 90 degrees, and extending it, expending the remaining 15.

ROSE: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.

WV: It appears we have reached an empasse.

JOHN: (shrugs) Apparently.

WV: The opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately, but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.

JOHN: Umm, Thanks.

Rose whacks him with a crumpled hat, which does not gain John's attention. In response she screams into her pillow, placing the hat on his head

WV: I shall take my leave now. Good bye.

JOHN: Whoa! Where'd all this Grist come from? And why is this hat on my head? Ah well.
John collects the Grist and examines the designix.
JOHN: (examines instructions) Look at back of card, press buttons, insert blank card in slot. Easy enough.
John flips over the Pogo ride card and examines the code.
JOHN: Huh, these are so hard to read! (does the same with the hammer card) Huh. Looks like my Strife deck cards have them too.
John sets down the pair of cards and types in the Pogo ride's code.
JOHN: D... Q... M... m... J...L... e...K.
The red light on the Designix changes to red and John inserts the card. He removes it to find that holes have been punched into it. John then types up the hammer's code.
JOHN: n... Z... 7... U... n... 6... B... I.
John inserts the hammer's card, which gets punched as well. Upon trying to take the pogo out, he finds that it is stuck in the card.
JOHN: Darn it. Oh well, I can always get them back later.
John mashes the keyboard, resulting in the code "dskjhsdk"
JOHN: Combine shaving cream cans.
The two cards containing shaving cream merge into one. John inserts the cards into the slot, where it is punched.
JOHN: That was fun.
As John checks his PDA, the camera slips out the window where an Imp is looking inside. The Imp turns around slowly, sensing danger. A bathtub is suddenly flung through the wall, crushing the creature, breaking the wall separating the kitchen, and startling John.
JOHN: Whoa!
John collects the Grist as he responds to Rose.
ROSE: John, I'm about to throw a bathtub through the wall, look out.
JOHN: That was so totally unnecessary!
Rose creates a very skinny staircase leading up to the balcony.
ROSE: I made a shortcut upstairs so you can try out those new cards.
JOHN: How am I supposed to get up there? These stairs are way too thin.
ROSE: I'm trying to conserve Grist for now.
John looks through the hole in the ceiling. Through it, the Gate can be seen.
JOHN: Then why didn't you make a path through this hole?
ROSE: Have you ever been in that room, John?
JOHN: That's Dad's room, so no.
ROSE: Exactly. I would rather not be distracted by the contents of said room.
JOHN: Oh C'mon! Just make a ladder and I'll climb right through!
ROSE: Really? Haven't you ever wondered what was in there?
JOHN: well, yeah.
ROSE: Then Trust me; you won't be going "right through."
JOHN: Wait, are you saying that there's something weird in there?
ROSE: I don't know. (She pauses a moment to take a screen capture of the room) I can't see in there, it's all static.
JOHN: Meh, I think I can handle a few clown paintings.
ROSE: (grabs the cards) I'll take these upstairs with a few dowels.
Rose puts the cards by the lathe in John's room, and places eight dowels there as well. John meanwhile examines the broken safe. He picks up an old book, Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text,  captchaloging it, burying his PDA again.
JOHN: Looks like my own copy, but older. Huh.
John picks up the Shaving Almanac and the newspaper clippings.
JOHN: Why did he keep this away from me? And these clippings are all of meteor impacts. Weird.
John looks at the note on the wall, which displays the safe code.
JOHN: Well, this is useless. (tosses it away)
John examines the empty card on the floor and looks at the code on the back.
JOHN: All zeroes. I wonder what the code for a card is.
John captchalogues the card, which expels the Apple's totem from the deck, and looks at the back.
JOHN: All ones. Makes sense.
John goes and punches the card, leaving only two cards in his sylladex, his PDA and the joke book.
ROSE: No John wai-Oh. I was about to say "take the card out first." You would've only burned one card.
JOHN: Yeah.... Dammit!
John throws the hat out through the giant hole in the wall and captchalogues the punched card, which sends the PDA flying. Rose quickly catches it and brings it back. John captchalogues the PDA, which sends the book out the hole to crush an imp sneaking around outside. John runs outside and scrambles up the stairs, only to slip off.
JOHN: I TOLD her these were too thin!
Behind John, a large creature begins climbing up as the scene shifts to Dave. As he wanders over to Bro's turn table set, a shadowy figure darts over, grabs the sword hanging above it, and vanishes in a split second. Dave glances up at the holder, shrugs and goes to look at  a comic on the wall.
DAVE: I KNOW he left this here to get under my skin. Trouble's a brewin'.
As Dave takes down the comic and tears it up, the figure places Cal on the turntables and vanishes once again.
{Extended Scene: Dave's Kitchen Shenanigans}
Dave wanders over to the sink and spies something in the reflection of the basin. It looks like something written on the ceiling. He looks up to see a crawlspace hatch. On it, there is an image of a puzzle piece with the words “Hello Dave” done in red.
DAVE: Okay, he must be ironic about these stupid mind games. I mean, nobody actually likes those movies.
Dave builds a fort using the turntables and cinderblocks, and then climbs on top to pull the string. The hatch swings down knocking Dave over and burying him in smuppets.
Dave slices the puppet pile apart and looks at the note that’s attached to the back of the hatch with a batarang.
BRO: (Voiceover) Lil’ bro. Roof. Now. Bring Cal.
The scene fades out to John standing by the Lathe. He builds a tent using some dowels, a bed sheet, and his dresser, then smiles proudly at it.
JOHN: That was fun. A waste of time, but still fun!
ROSE: We don’t have time for this. (She tosses the bed sheet and dresser out of the house) Now go carve some totems.
JOHN: Alright, alright. So pushy.
John proceeds to carve totems of the pogo ride, the hammer, and the random code, laying the respective cards on the corresponding totem. He then carves the Captchalogue Card totem, which only makes the dowel somewhat thinner. Rose stores the totems away in the game’s inventory. She moves over to the Alchemiter and begins to make ten cards using purple Shale Grist, then brings the cards down to John who smiles happily.
JOHN: Whoa, did you just make all these?
ROSE: Yes.
JOHN: Sweet, thanks! What did you do with the blue wobbly vase-looking things?
ROSE: I brought the totems to the Alchemiter to test them. I’m taking some things into my own hands to save some time.
JOHN: Okay.
Rose makes a hammer at the expense of two units of Build Grist, then a pogo ride using up five Build and one Shale unit. The random code uses up four Build Grist units, eight units of shale and creates what looks like a rocket pack with a cinderblock, a flower pot, and a violin stuck inside it.
ROSE: Well, this thing won’t work. But it can still be useful.
She uses it to crush an Imp standing on the Alchemiter. Meanwhile, John uses a little strategy to fill out his deck. Picking up the Wise Guy book, he then grabs the cards, which ejects the PDA. John snags it from the air, recaptchalogues it, then does the same with the book, pushing the cards out and flushing the cards into expanding his inventory.
Looking through the book, John gets an idea. He picks up the Hammer Card and the Pogo ride card, then places the former on top of the latter, causing some of the holes to be overlapped. Slotting the cards into the lathe along with a new dowel, he creates another totem and takes it to the Alchemiter, which is covered in hammers for some reason. Clearing off the platform he sets the totem into place and gets off. The result is a hammer that has  a light green grip, a white handle, a grey head with black springs and ends. On top of the head is a green slime ghost similar to the one on John’s shirt.
JOHN: Now this is cool!
He swings it onto the platform. The spring-loaded hammer bounces back up as John quickly turns around to slam it into the platform again.
ROSE: What did you do?
JOHN: I combined a couple cards in the lathe and made this! I call it the Pogo Hammer!
ROSE: I see. That was a really good idea John. Nice work!
JOHN: Thanks! I got the idea from Harry Anderson.
ROSE: Who?
JOHN: You know the show Night Court?
ROSE: No.
JOHN: Well bottom line is, he’s awesome and that’s all there really is to say on the matter.
John begins repeatedly bouncing the hammer on the platform, building up energy, then jumps up and slams it onto a nearby imp on the pogo ride, crushing it and sending the boy flying up to the roof. Rose quickly catches John with his bed.
Down below, large creatures begin scaling the rock pillar and house.
JOHN: Hey that was a … nice… uh…
ROSE: Sweet catch?
JOHN… Save. Yeah. Y’know, this is pretty comfy. Why don’t you just carry me up to the gate?
Rose clicks the bed and tries to move it. On her screen, the bed flashes red.
ROSE: I can’t interact with you directly, or with anything you are touching, if it will result in moving you. See?
JOHN: Lame!
ROSE: I think it’s an anti-cheating function. It would take away your free will as an adventurer and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity. The Server player is merely a facilitator.
JOHN: Well okay. All that running about has me beat, so I’m gonna rest here a bit. Do you think you could keep the Imps at bay, maybe drop some stuff on them?
ROSE: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.
JOHN: What, come on!
ROSE: I have no idea what Dave is up to or how close he is to recovering the game. There’s also some stuff I’d like to try, in case he doesn’t come through.
JOHN: Oh alright. I’m just gonna rest my eyes for a moment here though.
John falls asleep as the scene switches to Rose, who is checking an index of John’s alchemy experiments so far, which at the moment only includes the Pogo Hammer recipe: Pogo Ride && Hammer equals Pogo Hammer.
ROSE: I wonder if I can send John the code for the Server disk.
Rose ejects the disk and Captchalogues it. Upon flipping the card over, she finds no code at all.
ROSE: Oh God damn it.
She slaps her face. Outside, the generator stops working, and her laptop runs out of power. Rose performs a double face-palm.
John is floating in an expanse of blue surrounded by clouds. Below him, Prospit’s golden moon shines in the light. We switch to John’s POV view as the clouds change shape into Dad’s head, a cake, a box of fruit gushers, a harlequin, the slime ghost, and Harry Anderson. As the clouds move away, a dark silhouette of Jade appears, but John can’t see her properly.
DREAM JADE: John, wake up!
John sits up on his bed his PDA buzzing in his sylladex. John pulls it out, ignoring the imp cowering near the bed.
JADE: Hey! How’s your adventure going?
JOHN: Oh there you are! It’s okay. I’m making a little progress, and Rose is helping me out now!
JADE: That’s good!
JOHN: Oh, but I don’t think I’m actually saving the world here. (John frowns) I dunno what I’m accomplishing, but it’s not that.
JADE: Hmm… well I think whatever it is, it must be pretty important! Don’t lose hope; I think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive! Just keep listening to your grandmother’s advice.
JOHN: Yeah, you’re probably right.... Wait, I don’t remember telling you about Nanna, did I?
JADE: (nervous) Uh, I don’t think so... did you?
JOHN: Hmm, I dunno, maybe Rose or Dave talked to you about it or something.
JADE: (slightly relieved) Yeah maybe that was it!
JOHN: They’re really weird when they talk to me about you, like they think you have spooky powers, but I tell them that you seem pretty normal to me!
JADE: (giggles and smiles)
JOHN: (confused) But when I think about it, maybe there are times when it seems like... maybe you know some things? Like you know a lot more about something than you’re telling me, I dunno.
JADE: (nervous again) Oh, well John, I want to explain a lot of things to you... things that I know, I’m just... waiting!
JOHN: Waiting for what?
JADE: (Abruptly changes subject) Oh! I forgot I was messaging you about the meteor that fell near my house!
JOHN: Oh yeah, what happened about that?
JADE: Oh boy, well... it turns out I was really confused about it. See, I guess I fell asleep for a while and lost track of time. That happens!
JOHN: Yeah I know, tell me about it. Maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something. So what’s the deal with the meteor?
JADE: Well... it’s hard to explain, but... I know what it is now! And I know everything’s gonna be okay!
JOHN: So, what is it? Or is this just another thing you’re waiting to tell me?
JADE: Oh gosh John, I REALLY want to tell you all this stuff! But I can’t yet. I really think you need to wake up first!
JOHN: Huh?
JADE: Not literally. Well okay, KINDA literally!
JOHN: AUGH! Stop being so confusing! (clutches head with free hand)
JADE: (laughs) Anyway time for you to go John! I think you have some company! (closes her window)
JOHN: Huh?
A large four-fingered hand slams onto the platform, holding the older Sassacre’s book. John slips the pogo hammer into the strap on his back, then goes and hides behind the bed with the imp as the head belonging to the hand’s owner begins to come into view wearing a large, belled harlequin hat. John pulls out his PDA and tries to contact Rose.
JOHN: Rose, why aren’t you dropping something on that thing? (notices that there is no connection) Oh no.
The imp absconds using an umbrella as John climbs down the ladder onto his bedroom roof where his magic chest sits empty.
JOHN: Lousy imps! I could’ve used some of that stuff!
John sees another one of the larger creatures climbing up, and ascends back to the platform, where an imp has apparently had the same idea. He calmly smashes it and collects the Grist. John then peaks over the edge to the dark clouds far below.
JOHN: It’s a LONG way down... I thought I saw my trick handcuffs on the tree earlier. Where’d they go?
A shadow hovers over John, and he turns around to see the two giant creatures. They have the same black skin as the imps, but are several feet tall and have massive boar-like tusks. Also like the imps, they are wearing harlequin outfits. One holds the aged Sassacre’s book; the other wields John’s tire swing.
JOHN: OGRES!
My co-author is supposed to write “[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building” here. Please be patient.
The screen flashes to Jade standing in her greenhouse, then flashes again to Wayward Vagabond.
WV stretches his arms, his carapace cracking like a human’s spine would. He then wanders over and eats an old pumpkin. Turning around, he examines a small red bar.
WV: Looks a gauge for a large power cell fueled by nuclear reaction. (stomach growls audibly) I’m hungry.
WV wanders over to the cans and picks one up marked “Gravy.” He attempts to use his teeth on the can, but finds his teeth are not sharp enough, being designed for plant consumption. He then tries to use his sharp digits to poke a hole, but realizes that he isn’t strong enough to do it, even though his carapace is rigid and sharp enough. WV picks up a couple more cans, which are labeled “Beans” and “Mustard,” although he finds it hard to hold all three. He then spots a white marking on his left wrist and drops the cans to look at it.
WV: (sigh) This barcode brings back unpleasant memories....
He consumes a potted plant sitting nearby and picks up the etiquette book, tearing several pages out and eating them hungrily. He stares at a page about proper eating, then tosses the book away and clears out more cans from the hatch.
WV: Still need a can opener! Hmm... I wonder if...
WV pulls out a rusty sharp mailbox flag with cloth wrapped around it.
WV: Nah, my trusty knife won’t work.
WV puts it into the pot and begins building a small town out of the cans. He then makes a mayoral sash using cables.
WV: I hereby dub myself the Mayor of Can Town! Not king though. Petty awful tyrants. I hate kings.
WV wanders over to the other side of room, where another cabinet and some other objects, a box of chalk, a nugget of uranium, a container of oil, and a lump of amber with a firefly inside. He opens the box of chalk and eats the two green pieces, as well as the uranium. WV’s skeleton can be seen briefly as he burps. He taps on the cabinet, which doesn’t open. He then picks up the amber, looking at the insect inside, which flashes in greeting.
WV: It’s alive! Hmm, crushing the amber would most likely kill the firefly, but the light can still serve as the light of democracy.
WV uses the chalk to draw roads and trees, and then draws what looks like a chessboard near the oil.
WV: Okay, the white will serve as the residential zones, but I don’t see what I can use for the commercial zones... (looks around and spots oil) That’ll work!
WV carefully pours a small bit of oil into each empty square, making sure not to get any on him. He then peels the label off the can marked “MAYO”, writes an R on it, then attaches it to his cable sash. He then looks around for more territory to claim for can town.
WV: Looks like there’s no more space on the floor, but there’s plenty of wall-space!
WV begins drawing a sky on the walls with blue and white chalk. On the cabinet, he draws a luminous planet with its own moon.