Guarded - Part One

A/N 2: I'm revising, expanding and generally trying to improve this.  It's now almost September 2013.  I'll note here when I'm done with that.  Again.  Thanks - Gin



A/N:  I took some advice and am splitting this story into smaller parts and I hope that will draw in some more readers/reviewers. If you were reading and came back to finish it up please don't worry, I didn't delete the ending, it is in my portfolio as "Guarded - Part Two."  Thanks for reading - I hope I hear your feedback soon! - Gin

***

         For a 'nice quiet afternoon' it's loud as hell in here  Danielle thought as she stared at the screen in front of her, watching the words of her employee review blur into one another.  Tapping keyboards, the repetitive hum of the printer and snippets of five different conversations pushed their way into her office, past the door she'd left just slightly ajar.



         As she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed Danielle wished she could blame her lack of focus on the noises that surrounded her, but she knew better.  She'd worked steadily through far worse before.  But this week wasn't before.  Before she hadn't just returned from bereavement leave.  Before she hadn't been fighting memories of her father's funeral.  Before, she'd not been afraid of losing even more...



         A knock on her door startled Danielle out of her reverie.  Turning in her chair she saw her friend Lynn peeking through the crack in the doorway. Well, speak of the devil, she thought as she watched Lynn push the door open.

         “Hey – you OK?”

         Tough question coming from you.  Forcing that thought aside, she said “Yeah, I guess so.”

         “Look, I was about to leave and…” Lynn’s voice trailed off. There was clearly something she wanted to ask, but Danielle could see that she was having trouble forming the question. “Have I done something to hurt your feelings?” she finally managed.

         Danielle dropped her eyes back to her desk. Now how was she supposed to answer that here?

***

         Ten years earlier, their friendship started over a car and a sandwich. Danielle had just bought her new baby – the gorgeous BMW 335xi she still drove today. She had taken delivery from the dealer first thing in the morning, and the drive from there to work had been a dream. The car was fast, handled perfectly and carved up the highway as if it were responding to Danielle’s thoughts. When she arrived at work, she’d parked it out in a far corner of the lot, hoping it would survive unscathed forever.

         Around lunchtime there was a knock on her office door. Danielle looked up and saw a woman she recognized but didn’t know. She worked on the…fifth floor, right? Danielle thought. Right – accounting. She's a manager in accounting.

         “Hi – I’m Lynn. I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you, in case you were wondering, that I’m the freak who was ogling your car out in the parking lot.”

         Danielle had to smile – she’d expected to hear from some of the guys about her new baby, but for the first reaction to come from a woman – that was terrific.  She laughed and said “Thanks, I’m Danielle, didn’t know there was another car chick in the building.”

         “Yeah, well mostly I noticed it because my husband and I are looking at getting that same model. So I figured if you’d looked outside and seen someone peering through the windows, you’d appreciate knowing who it was.” Lynn smiled. “I just had to check out how you’d equipped it. Glad to see you got the six-speed.”

         “Of course, more fun than an auto, right?” Danielle replied. “Have you guys test driven one yet?”

         “No, they only had automatics the last time we went. Really, we’re not that close to buying one anyway.”

         “Look,” offered Danielle, “I was going to run over to Ray’s at lunch for a sandwich. Why don’t you come with me? You could drive and let your husband know about the car. Maybe you’d wind up getting one sooner than you think.” Danielle had no idea what made her say that, it was totally out of character for her. But somehow it just felt like the right thing to do.

         Lynn grinned. “Thanks, that sounds like fun. I think I will.”

         That drive for lunch is something that still stands out in Danielle’s memory, even ten years down the road. She and Lynn talked, getting to know each other and finding their common ground – family, husbands, cars and more. On one hand Danielle was well outside her comfort zone – she was generally not a very social person so volunteering a solo ride and lunch with someone she really didn’t know was unlike her. On the other hand, she felt so immediately comfortable with Lynn that their conversation flowed with very few of those awkward silences that usually plagued Danielle’s attempts to be social with new people.

         After they ate and Lynn drove back to the office, Danielle sat at her desk, trying to decipher why she felt so immediately comfortable with Lynn. She reminded Danielle of someone – but whom?  Then it struck her, and Danielle’s stomach contracted. Lynn reminded her of Dina, the friend who had hurt Danielle so badly a few years before. The friend she’d spent time with every day, at work and at home in their cozy suburban neighborhood. The friend she had thought of as a sister, whose own sisters has begun to refer to Danielle as one of their own. The friend who had suddenly decided that Danielle was persona non grata in her life, pushing Danielle away and crushing her feelings in the process. How on earth did she not notice the similarities? How could she not have seen?

         “It doesn’t matter.” Danielle thought. “We had one conversation, a sandwich and she drove my car. It’s not as if that means we’re going to become friends. It’s not like I need to worry about getting too close to her.”

         The next day when Danielle arrived at work, she found a card and a small votive candle jar on her desk. It was from Lynn, a thank-you for the test drive. The kind gesture reminded Danielle of Dina – it was the kind of thing she would have done too – and suddenly she felt as if she had to step away from what she’d started. Her instincts were right – Lynn was the kind of person Danielle could relate to, they’d already discovered that they had a great deal in common. But Danielle was also right about how much she reminded her of Dina, and there was no way she was going to go through that world of hurt again. So in that moment Danielle decided to back off this potential new friendship. She wouldn’t go seeking it, wouldn’t make any more invitations. And as always no invitations would come to her, so that would settle it. She would go on, as she was used to doing, on the outside looking in.

***

         Somehow it hadn’t worked out that way. Danielle found herself building a friendship with two other women in her department. Bev and Kelley drew her out of her shell a bit, and whenever they could step out for dinner and drinks Danielle enjoyed herself immensely. Kelley also knew Lynn, and soon she too had become a fixture in their monthly girl’s nights. As much as she cherished Bev and Kelley’s friendship, Danielle found herself growing closer and closer with Lynn. Still, just below the surface, she remained terrified of that closeness. Not terrified of being close to Lynn, but rather terrified of losing another friend if she made the mistake of letting it be known how much she cared. That’s what Dina had run from – or so she said. So Danielle was now always very careful to hide how much she felt. She could never fully disguise her feelings; she was just not that kind of person. But she had sworn to herself that no new friend would ever see just how much she cared, that they’d never have the chance to hurt her; not the way Dina had.

         And there were so many things that Danielle heard Lynn say that echoed Dina. Things that warned people not to come too close. Things that warned her that Lynn, like Dina, was someone who rarely let friends fully into her world. Even so, their camaraderie grew. And despite the fear and caution that Danielle tried to use as a shield, she found herself believing more and more in their friendship.

Lynn began to open up to Danielle, sharing things with her that she said she hadn’t shared before, even with friends she had known far longer. And Danielle found herself opening up as she hadn’t in ages, trusting Lynn with topics she had scrupulously hidden from all but her two closest friends. Over time, even Lynn’s reticence and introversion began to diminish around Danielle. Not one to talk openly about her feelings, she even reached the point of telling Danielle “I trust you” – a startling admission from someone who consistently avoided being anything close to what she would term “touchy-feely.”

         Somehow that admission had begun the downfall for Danielle. That simple acknowledgement that there was a connection between the two women that ran just a bit deeper than with the others in the group. And it came just before a moment in Danielle’s life that would find her reaching out for connection to friends as almost never before. And once more, just as she had with Dina, Danielle would trust too much, care too much, and – with nauseating inevitability – lose another bit of her spirit for her folly.

***

         “What?” Danielle managed as she shook herself free of her memories for the moment.

         “Have I hurt your feelings?” Lynn repeated.

         Danielle looked out her office door. It was the end of the day, and while it was quiet, there were still several people lingering at their desks. Some of the more petulant members of the department had already griped about the friendship between the two women. After all, while Lynn has once been a manager, a peer of Danielle’s, she had taken a step down to allow herself more time with her family and she was now a member of Danielle’s department, though she didn’t report to her. The last thing Danielle needed was to get into this conversation here.

         “Look Lynn, it’s just… it’s been a really hard week, you know? I’m wiped out is all.”

         “No, I get it.” Lynn paused. “It’s just… well it feels like there’s something else going on, something more than… more than your Dad.”

         Danielle looked back down at her review. God, don’t make me think about this shit here, please, she thought.  Her expression must have given her away, because Lynn immediately said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Danielle. You don’t have to answer that now OK? How about we go and grab a bite to eat? Paul’s working late and Katie’s spending the night at a friend’s house. Please – my treat?”

         Danielle looked back up. Maybe it was time to clear the air, one way or another. “OK,” she forced a smile. “I’ll wrap up here, call Mike and meet you at Katana.”

         “Great,” Lynn smiled warmly “I’ll go now and get us a table. And a couple martinis – Tokyo Limeade as always right?”

         Danielle couldn’t help but smile at that, some of her fondest memories of their friendship involved the two of them talking over Katana’s famous Tokyo Limeades. “Right, thanks. See you there.” she replied, then turned back to her desk.

***