Test or testimony--Hysterectomy

When I was 19-years-old I found out I was pregnant. Imagine my surprise at 19, not married, and now becoming a mom. I was even on birth control. How could this happen? What about college? What about my dreams? Although there were many who tried to talk me into adoption and even other options, the moment I knew was the moment I wanted this child. I already loved her before my first doctor’s appointment. She had already became my world before I ever introduced her to it. In fact I later learned she was my dreams!! I just couldn’t figure out how.

At age 26 I found out I had endometriosis and that moving forward things would be difficult for me. After marriage I had surgery to help in our hopes of having a child together. At the time of my surgery I learned for the first time ever that I was born with only 1 ovary. How does anyone go 30 years in life and not a single doctor detect this? I had a child for crying out loud, they didn’t happen to notice? Anyway, it is what it is. We tried fertility in 2008 and 2009 with no luck. We would have to learn to be thankful with what we have and that was that. Oh how thankful I am. Not only did God bless me with my child, he brought two other amazing children into my life to consider children of mine!

I learned this month that due to the increased pain with the endometriosis and another newly found issue I was in need of a Hysterectomy. A WHAT? I’m only 36 years old? I’m still waiting on God to give me another child. You can’t take out my womb. You just can’t!

Those who know me well know that I have over analyzed the what if, the how come, the how to, and definitely the “is it what God says to do”. Eventually there will be the I’m at peace portion of the over analytic brain, but we aren’t there yet. So here is my analysis. I know this is personal so please don’t read if it is a bit too much for what you consider blog appropriate. Maybe it belongs in my personal journal but I felt lead to share.

The what if; I have dealt with the pain from the many issues I have, resulting in this final decision, for years and years, but what if…What if I wasn’t patient enough. What if God is planning to give me another child and I am just too impatient. Am I going against what he truly wants for me? What if not. What if I can’t have any more children because I failed as a mother to the one he did give me? Not that I think Alexa is a failure. I think she is amazing, intelligent, gorgeous, and probably the strongest young lady I know. But have I failed her? Is that what makes her so independent and strong minded? Is it possible my mothering was so bad she had no other choice but to become that strong? Is it possible I don’t even blame God for not giving me another child. I mean, do I deserve one? I have certainly made many detrimental wrong turns in my path of parenting! Ones that have affected my child given to me tremendously. I didn’t even take the time to realize what she was going through when I was going through all of my stuff!

The how come….How come things like this happen to good people? I mean just a year ago I turned my life over to you Lord. So why me? Why wait until I decide to be faithful to you there is this. Why not have done it in my life of enjoyed sin. Then at least I could be mad at you. Then at least I wouldn’t have this conscience asking me all the what if questions in my head. Why wait Lord? Why wait until now? I have completely changed my life for you and I can’t just get the one thing I ask you for from the bottom of my heart? The one thing I want more than anything? What lesson is there to be learned from this? Why do I torture myself like this? Why can’t I just let things be? You tell me the grass is green and I will look at it and see every other color in it. I will point out the yellows, the browns, the reds, the blacks, I’ll see them all except the green. I just want to let it be.

The how to….now who in their right mind needs to know every detail about a situation? That is it, it is official, I am officially not in my right mind. I tell you I have researched a hysterectomy to the point I almost feel I’m ready to perform the next procedure at the local hospital. Maybe I should volunteer. All joking aside it is almost as if I’m prone to self torture. Why I ask? Why does my brain work like this? Why am I such a control freak that I can tell you exactly in which order the steps of my procedure will go and about how long each one will take. I can tell you side effects that could occur, possible complications during the procedure, I can even tell you what my first week of recovery is expected to be like as well as my second and third. Really? Can we just turn the brain off long enough for me to let some things go? Please!

Is this what God is telling me to do? This one is big! I ask you this, if you have dealt with pain for 10 years, why are you giving in now? It has worsened, the pain that is, but really is my right to determine the pain isn’t worth it? All things are possible through Christ my savior so if he truly did not want this pain there, it wouldn’t be. To me it is as simple as that. Although there could be future, more serious complications with my situation the fact is, it’s not like I’m going to die if I don’t have the procedure done. I may be bed ridden before long but isn’t that only if God wants me to be?

So in my psycho question stage these were the questions that weighed so heavy on my heart. I won’t even go into the after the surgery questions. Oh my goodness this blog would be a novel!!! In my pull yourself together stage, this is what I came up with. Because in my mind there can’t be open ended questions..oh no, there must be answers too.

The what if….What if God has worsened my pain to tell me it is time to take care of myself. That it is time I realize the blessings he has given me. I am so extremely blessed and here I am crying because I can’t have a 4 th child added to my life. For crying out loud there are so many who never have a single child and I have 3 in my life I get to love and get to receive love from. Five if we include my niece and nephew!! How can I think anything but Praise God for these children. I have a husband who loves me so much. Let me make it very clear, he is understanding of this. He doesn’t hurt or think any differently of me because I will never bare his child. He gave me all his love long before we even considered having a child together. This changes nothing where my family is concerned. How could I even doubt God’s grace for a single second with all that I have? I was so scared of my future when I got pregnant at a young age, but God knew I wouldn’t be able to have a child later in life. In my sin of having sex before marriage, he knew my future. He still showed mercy on me even in my sin! He still blessed me! He knew that I was his child and that one day I would know that too! He knew that I needed a child in my life to keep me as balanced as possible. I even needed that child to pull me closer to him. It is true, I became a follower because of her! He knew that the only time I could have a child was then. How great he is to do for me, even before I did for him!!! Alexa? How could I question the parenting skills of a parent with such a truly remarkable child. If she wasn’t so strong minded would I be satisfied? I mean don’t we all want our children to be that of strong mind and heart. Her heart is of gold. I have always said this about Alexa, “Rather good or bad she puts 100% into everything she does”. God help us when she is up to bad, but we certainly can’t say she lacks in persistence! One day I have no doubt that her persistence will turn out to be a blessing to so many other than herself! She will make a difference in this world! I question what kind of parent she has? I have certainly made mistakes, but God knew I would so he gave me a daughter wise enough to not only learn from her own mistakes but to learn from her mother’s too. One wise enough to even teach her mother a few things here and there as she was making those mistakes!

The how come……Would I have really been able to deal with all of these emotions I’m having right now if I didn’t know his promises? If I didn’t know how much he loves me. If I didn’t have my personal savior to walk me through all of them? I don’t think I would. I would have been an angry, bitter lady for sure! There would be no peace in my head or my heart to find. Is the lesson in this to just let it be? Is it that I don’t have to be in control? I’m sure the “I don’t have to be in control” lesson is coming soon. I’m scared of recovery mainly because I know that lesson is coming.

Is this what God is telling me to do……So I joke with my friends, careful what you pray for! I prayed and prayed for signs that this is what I am suppose to be doing. I tell you (close your eyes if you are male) I have not been in this much pain in the entire 10 years of dealing with this. There are times I have to stop walking/moving it hurts so bad. I feel I’m going to pass out at times there is so much pain. I learned of the Hysterectomy on September 19. I have had two severe menstrual cycles since then and one coming up now. I tell you, careful what you pray for. J

Now this next one, this is not one that weighed on my heart at first, but I must share it. Just last Monday night I was talking to a couple ladies at my church. My church sisters have been so supportive of me! I’m so blessed. I kept explaining to the ladies I don’t really have any friends outside of church to talk to. None of my close friends (outside of church) have gone through this. Nobody I know my age has had a hysterectomy. I have to tell you when I got home I had an email from a friend I have not talked to in about a year. A really close friend I lost contact with, just busy I guess. But her email began with, I just wanted to tell you, I have to have a hysterectomy on Monday can you pray for me, I’m really scared. This friend is not a follower and she asked me to pray for her? You must know, there is NO way this person knew of my situation. There are no common friends of ours that know of my situation, I had not posted my hysterectomy on fb, there is just no way. God was listening to me at church Monday night. God knows my heart! He knows exactly what I need and he provides it. Now, I hate for my friend having the same situation in her life, but isn’t it amazing that now we both have someone to go through this with? We now call ourselves, “the Hystersisters”. We have the support of each other. How great our God is to do this. One more thing she mentioned to me that made my heart smile, you see my friend works night shift and she works every Saturday and Sunday night, she said well, I’m going to be off work the next 6 weeks, maybe I can go to church. Excuse me? Really? Of course! Pretty amazing isn’t it? God takes our trials and turns them into triumphs. Wait a minute here, did I just come to my at peace stage? Who would have thought it?