Prologue

Where the hell am I? I wondered, scanning my alien surroundings. I was trapped in an endless expanse, surrounded by a soft blue light that emanated from every direction. The illumination was uniform, destroying any possible sense of direction, and there seemed to be nothing in the azure abyss save myself.  Indeed, it appeared that there wasn’t even any gravity in this void, as I was just floating in the featureless space. Figuring there was nothing better to do, I began a lazy backstroke, hoping to propel myself towards some sign of life in this vacuum. There’s nothing here! How am I going to tell if I’ve made any progress? Despite my apparent lack of motion, I continued “swimming” through the air. While it didn’t seem like I was accomplishing anything, it also didn’t seem to take any energy to keep up my effort, and I’d rather make an effort to escape my current predicament.
         
After an indeterminate amount of time trying to move through the void, it became apparent that I was moving towards something. The faintest music, a beautiful song belted out in a foreign tongue by an obviously talented young woman, came from the general direction in which I was moving. It grew louder as I approached, and I abandoned my backstroke for a much faster breaststroke, furiously churning through the blue expanse. I had no idea who was singing the song, what it was about, or even what language it could possibly be in, but I was desperate to find anyone or anything else in this lonely space. The volume of the song increased as I made my way through the void, until it stopped at around the volume at which I keep my music when listening to it on my laptop. The music stayed at this volume until the song began to end and fade away. Soon after the song ended, another one began, apparently performed by the same singer, as if I were listening to some great extra-terrestrial Youtube playlist. This notion filled my heart with equal parts wonder and fear, a fear which was compounded by my realization that I once again had no idea if I was getting closer to any way out. The music continued to stay at the same comfortable volume, refusing to offer any more clues as to which direction I should direct my efforts.

After what seemed like hours of propelling myself forward into nothingness, with the music droning on in the background (seeming to cycle through about 20 or so songs by the same artist and a single female duet), I stopped moving and just floated upright. I was gripped by a new sense of bewilderment. Judging by the countless number of times I listened to the background music cycle through, I must have been swimming through this void for a few hours at least. Fortunately, I had yet to even break a sweat, and it was this ease of motion that confused me the most about this abyss. I wasn’t in the best of shape, and I figured that I normally wouldn’t exert this much effort in a week back at home. My own personal fitness aside, no one should be able to swim for hours on end without feeling a little fatigue. Perhaps I was beyond what we thought of as the Universe. If so, I hope I get back in time to return my library books. They charge like a dollar a day now.

Lost in thought, I let my eyes wander through the void, my mouth agape. It isn’t the most attractive of habits, but when I space out, I go all the way. Sometimes literally, apparently. Luckily, my gaze fell upon some dark line across the horizon to my left. Heartened by what seemed to be a glimpse of solid ground, I kicked my legs wildly, driving myself forward. As I moved through the void, the music grew no louder, but the dark line grew and eventually the outline of a rocky plain filled my view in all directions. After about an hour after my initial sighting of the land, I propelled myself over the ground and felt a weak force tugging me downwards. However slight it may be, the presence of some sort of gravitational pull defied its usual nature and raised my spirits to greater heights. I was glad to be somewhere that seemed at least slightly familiar, and I kissed the ground as I touched down on my stomach. This boulder-strewn plain was infinitely more comforting than that endless blue void. The same uniform blue light illuminated this rocky land, and the music continued to drone along at the volume it maintained for most of sojourn here in the void, but now I had patterns of stones and tumbled boulders to mark my progress through this alien space, and I could actually walk around for the first time in hours, possibly even days. As I stood up and brushed the dust off of my clothes, which I just now noticed were a plain purple shirt and some black cargo shorts, I spotted a clearing among the boulders that spread in every direction. Stepping quickly away from the precipice and the endless void surrounding it, I wondered what this new land had in store for me, my previous fears quickly replaced by reckless curiosity.
Making swift progress across this newfound landmass, I reached what I previously believed to be a clearing, and discovered that it was actually the limit of the tumbled boulders that dotted the plain. This limit appeared to be a straight line in both directions, which was slightly unsettling. Fortunately, the absence of these rocks meant that I could walk at an even faster pace, and leave this unnatural area behind. While journeying across the plain, listening to the constant loop of music and staring into the monochrome horizon, my mind began to wander. Despite the fact that this was an entirely alien dimension, unlike anything I had ever experience or heard of, it was pretty boring. Even the ground I walked on was completely level and seemed to be made of a featureless tan rock with little variation in surface structure. Thinking of ways I could make this little excursion, I recalled reading that the human body could theoretically run at speeds of up to 40 mph. While I realized that I had no means of measuring my own speed, and that I was more of a turtle than a hare back home, I also remembered the unnatural vigor I displayed while swimming through the void. Abandoning the mental gymnastics, I dove into a headlong sprint, my legs pumping furiously. Laughing maniacally, I felt one of those rare bursts of joy that stem from losing oneself in physical exertion, like you would feel while hiking along the Appalachian trail, all anxieties forgotten in the effort of pushing yourself just one step further, just one summit closer to the end. Lost in such a joyous stupor, I didn’t notice any of the rubble until I was surrounded by it, my foot catching on something. Pitching wildly forward, I somehow managed to land on the crown of my head, my body turning over landing on my back.

“Well, shit,” was all I could manage to mutter, staring up into the deep blue sky above. “What’s all this doing here?” I demanded, furious with the ground for betraying me so. Getting up and brushing off my shorts, I looked around at the detritus around me. The piles nearest my graceful descent seemed to be composed of crumbled buildings and the occasional vehicle. There were no scorch marks, to suggest an explosion, but neither were there any cracks or faults in the earth, ruling out seismic action. Either way, the rubble extended for as far as the eye could see which lead me to assume that I stumbled upon the remains of a large metropolis. Preferring to continue in the same direction, rather than turn off on some random tangent, I began to carefully pick my way through the rubble, conscious of the quickly fading pain in the small of my back. The fact that the music droning along in the background didn’t change to accompany my new surroundings made the experience a little more unsettling. The broken remains of some advanced civilization should be accompanied by some wailing guitar riffs, not what appeared to be the house band at some foreign bar. Regardless, the music was pretty good, as evidenced by the fact that I had yet to grow tired of it despite listening to the same 20 or so songs for what could have been days on end. Listening more closely to the music while I climbed through the remains of this blighted city, I realized that at least some of the songs were in English, albeit with a slight accent of unknown origin. After the first few songs in the set seemed to be in another language, I guess just ignored the actual lyrical content of the songs entirely, allowing them to float at the back of my consciousness. While I normally take great pride in my observational skills, I gave myself some slack, considering I was distracted by the fact that I was trapped in some alternate reality.

Shaking away thoughts of the music, I scrabbled over a low wall that was blocking my progress, only to come face to face with a broken Statue of Liberty. “Face to face” isn’t really an apt description, as I could actually only see those little spoke things on her crown poking out of the ground. “Lady Liberty,” I sighed, dumbfounded. “Is this New York?” Receiving no answers from the statue, I slumped onto the ground, feeling a small sense of dread now that there was a possibility that this city was one from Earth. Looking around, I took solace in the fact that there were no taxis among the wreckage. I had never been to New York City, and the most I had seen of it was the occasional camera pan in the many episodes of Cash Cab I watched in middle school. Needless to say, I wasn’t really sure what it should look like. In another belated demonstration of my Holmes-like eye for detail, I noticed that there wasn’t even any asphalt on the ground, just that featureless tan rock from before. Shrugging off my somber musings, I trudged forward with only slight trepidation. I feared finding any more evidence of the destruction of my home planet, but I held greater fear of losing my chance at escaping from this wasteland.

A good nine or ten songs later, I discovered another unsettling ruin. It at first appeared to be the Lincoln Memorial, with the columns and walls that normally protected the Great Emancipator in fragments on the ground. As I got closer, however, I realized that it was actually the statue from the remake of The Planet of the Apes, that statue of a monkey version of Abe Lincoln. I chuckled at the sight, recalling my personal name for the memorial after watching that movie: Aperaham Lincoln. While it may not be the cleverest of puns, it never failed to incite at least a little laughter from me. The discovery of this architectural anomaly also served to lighten my mood in another way, as it drove home the fact that this was most certainly not any city from Earth. Curious about how much this memorial differed from its Earthly twin, I climbed up the steps leading to the statue and ventured into the museum-type thing underneath. It was roughly the same as I remembered it being on Earth, with plenty of books and little D.C. gift shop knick-knacks, which was no surprise. I looked through a few of the books, glad to touch something familiar in this weird wasteland. In the midst of this brief lull in my travel, I was overcome by a blast of mental fatigue. While my body was as full of unnatural vigor as it was at the beginning of my journey through this space, my mind was apparently not so lucky. It was understandable, as I had faced constants affronts to my beliefs about life, the universe, and everything. Figuring that a brief nap would do me some good, I curled up on a pile of reprints of the Constitution and drifted into a deep sleep.

#

I was awoken by the loudest ROAR! I could ever imagine. It honestly sounded like a robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex was shrunken down and taped to my eardrum. Dazed by both my abrupt awakening as well as the sheer enormity of the noise assaulting me, I jumped to my feet and looked wildly around the room. Aside from the violently shaking walls – and the rocks they were ejecting in their spasms – there appeared to be nothing new in my little hideaway. While I was fearful of whatever beast was capable of making such a cacophony, I was more afraid that the tremors the memorial was currently experiencing would send Honest Ape crashing down on top of me. Bolting for the exit, I ran up the stairs two at a time, a feat I previously thought impossible. Outside, I saw no sign of what could possibly cause such a racket, but I heard some loud crashes and a few short roars from behind the memorial itself. As I scrambled through the memorial, vaulting over some debris in my haste, it occurred to me that it the noise was likely coming from two creatures, hopefully fighting each other.  Stepping through the rear of the memorial, my beliefs were confirmed, and it was more awesome than I could have ever hoped. Locked in battle were two of the most stupefying creatures I had ever seen, both easily as tall as a skyscraper, stumbling over piles of rubble and leaving a path of destruction as they grappled. To the left was what appeared to be a large dinosaur, with mottled gray scales and a row of spiny fins running down its back. It looked pretty much like a T. Rex, but it had much burlier arms, which was a great help in its battle with the other creature. A creature that was unlike anything I had ever seen before, sporting a row of tentacles undulating downward from the middle of its face. It had green skin, with a texture that I can only describe as grotesque. Its arms terminated in great webbed hands, with short, vicious claws that tore into the arms of its saurian opponent.

Letting out a few short, oddly mechanical roars, the dinosaur rallied itself, giving its tentacled foe a great shove, sending it reeling. Its arms still flailing wildly, the sea beast fell to the ground as the dinosaur landed a vicious right hook on its tentacular maw. Taking advantage of the time the sea beast wasted in struggling to its feet, the dinosaur ran backward, creating some distance between them. As his opponent rose, the dinosaur charged with its arm outstretched, delivering a savage lariat and driving the sea creature back to the floor. This last impact managed to send violent tremors through the wreckage, nearly knocking me onto my back. Regaining my balance, I let out a small hiss as the sea creature rolled out of the way of the dinosaur’s powerful stomp. Sweeping with one of its long legs, the sea creature took the dinosaur to the ground as well. As soon as it landed, the sea beast jumped onto the dinosaur, ruthlessly pummeling it in the face. When it was winning, I was sort of rooting for the dinosaur, but now my allegiance was waning. As the dinosaur lay dazed and bleeding on the ground, the sea creature regained its feet and climbed up a small pile of rubble near his opponent. Standing near the top of the precarious heap, the sea creature launched itself into the air, turning its body midflight so that it fell with its body nearly parallel to that of its battered foe. Bringing its arm up, the sea creature drove its elbow into the dinosaur’s throat, delivering what had to be a crushing blow. As if working to confirm my thoughts, the sea creature rose to its feet and placed a hand lightly on its opponent’s chest, feigning pinning it to the ground. Slapping the floor near the dinosaur’s head with an exaggerated swing of its arm, the sea creature began counting out time. As it reached the tenth count, the sea creature waved its face tentacles furiously in triumph, watching its foe fade in color and eventually turn to ash. Through these all this, I was clapping and hollering enthusiastically. I mean, who doesn’t love a good elbow drop?  With all the ruckus I was stirring up, though, the creature unfortunately noticed me. Turning in my direction and narrowing its eyes in what I hoped wasn’t rage, the creature regarded me with a perplexed expression.

“And what might you be?” A resounding voice, deep and booming with bass, drowned out all other noises, including the ever-present music. “Ah, you’re one of those lowly creatures, from the realm in which I am currently trapped.”

“What!?” I demanded, full of both confusion and terror. “I’m pretty sure we’re not from the same place. I think we’d know if a giant squidman was running around WWE-style.”

“There are many things that your pun race is not aware of, human.” The creature boomed. “I have been on that globe for longer than your race can imagine, and, soon, I will have it all within my grasp. And your insignificant race will be no more. A glorious future, I assure you.”
“Whatever, dude. I’m pretty sure the American military will have something to say about that. So watch your back. AMERICA!” Incensed by his nonsense, I nonetheless hoped he wouldn’t squish me for my outburst.

“The battles for your realm will be many, but they shall remain in the shadows. Your realm will fall into my hands before most of your race realizes what has happened. The first of these battles is fast approaching, and I think you may be involved.” The creature leaned in closer to me and sniffed loudly. “Yes, I do believe that you are fated to do battle against my servants. It is fortunate that you witnessed the end of my battle with that creature. For your fate is the same as his. Or hers, even I’m not really sure. Either way, you will lie broken before my might. I believe it is time you returned to your own realm, and left me in peace.”

The creature scooped me up with one of its claws. Roaring loudly, it raised its gaze to the sky and projected a beam of green light out of its mouth. A large vortex, crackling with lightning that same sickly shade of green, coalesced around the beam. As the beam faded from sight, the creature drew back its fist and tossed me into the air, hurtling me toward that chaotic portal. As I flew headlong through the air, my eyes watering and cheeks flapping in the headwind, I honestly voided my bowels in fear. Screaming madly as I careened through the air, I closed my eyes and all was black.