Who knew?

When I was 14 my mother died.  It wasn't one of those dramatic deaths you see on tv, where she dies being a hero, or in some explosion, or random shooting.  As if to prove how non-dramatic my mother's death was, she died wearing a helmet. 

         You see, my mom was a pretty cool mom, even though she was a military mom.  By age 34 she decided she wanted to buy a motorcycle and join a motorcycle club called the Sun City Knights; we lived in Texas.  Pretty cool, right? Not for me, not for my 3 siblings, my two younger brothers and my one sister.

         I mean, yea, sure, don't get me wrong it was cool when she picked one of us up from school on her motorcycle.  It was pretty awesome really.  But, I had told her from the beginning that I thought it was extremely dangerous and that she needed to always wear her protective gear.  In this situation I was the adult.  When you're a single mother with 4 kids, sometimes the older child has to be the second parent.  So, jokingly I would call her motorcyle a coffin on wheels.  Who knew that I was right?

         Even though it was 7 years ago, I still remember exactly how it happened.  Two men dressed in uniform came into our living room after a few of my mom's friends had arrived and asked us to sit together on the couch.  When they told us, they gave us the date and time and location, like that mattered to 4 kids who just lost their world.  Apparently, somebody just forgot to chech their blind spot, merged, and hit my mom. She just fell and broke her neck.  She was wearing all her protective gear, including a helmet.  She died instantly.  I  remember I fainted on my sister's lap.  When I came to I remember begging Mr. Darrel to tell me where my mom was, "Mr. Darrel, Mr. Darrel! Please tell me, where's my mom! Where's my mom?! Where's my mom?! Mr. Darrel, please! Where's my mom?!" I remember I began to just ask over and over again until it became a sort of chant.  With each exhale came, "where'smymomwhere'smymomwhere'smymom".  In that chant I really wanted to know what was gonna happen to us now?  Who is going to want 4 practically grown kids? Who in their right mind would take that responsibility?  In that cry where I begged and pleaded to my mom's current boyfriend, I knew I hadn't just lost my mom.  I lost the only one who believed that all four of those children had to stay together.  I believed I had lost my siblings, and then I would lose my mind.  Who knew? I was wrong.

         Not only did I not lose my siblings, I gained one as well.  For the past 7 years my mom's oldest sister and her husband have been our parents.  Not only did my aunt and uncle have their own child, but there child was mentally and physically disabled.  Yet, they still took us in.  Born with Cerebral Palsy and Spinal Meningitis, she was my fourth sibling, and I loved her like the rest of them.  I had a second set of parents, and this time I got two.  I also had a second chance at life.  Where my mom constantly needed me to watch my siblings, my aunt, a stay-at-home-mom, let me be a kid again.  In fact, she demanded it.  She was the oldest of three girls and she knew how easy it was to lose your childhood having to be there for younger siblings.  This has been the longest time I have stayed in one state, and I love it.  No more moving from state to state, different countries, making new friends, new schools.  I'm a permanent resident of South Carolina... for now. 

         I lost a lot, June 25, 2005.  I lost a world I had known for 14 years.  I lost nights looking out the window for my mom to back in the driveway from work, or a party, or a date.  I lost tiny government issued housing with free water and electricity.  I lost rides on the back of a Hayabusa from my high school.  I lost living room picnics on a wool blanket eating wings and drinking soda.  But I believe I gained a whole lot more. 

         You know that saying, "you never know what you got, until it's gone."  I believe I gained the ability to truly understand and appreciate that phrase.  A new and complete family that lives in a nice neighbourhood that has a house where each child gets their own room; that's just the cherry on top. Who knew?