The Lunatic Speaks...

  Ok, to be honest, my life is in pieces, and I cannot even tell which piece I should retain and which one I should do away with. Those who know me will be thinking that the lunatic is back. Oh yes, I am.

You know, they say life is about troubles, how you overcome them and emerge victorious. The way you deal with troubles makes you, sometimes even breaks you.

But they never tell you what happens after you emerge victorious. Is that where the story ends.. you really don't need to look any further? Oh hell, you do! You overcome one, and there are hundreds of them staring at you. Then tell me, why do they always pray for strength? Doesn't it only get worse.. ? Can that kind of strength really hold you together through everything? There was a time I believed it does. But gradually I learnt that it only makes you impassive and stolid. You are left to deal with a hollow within you, and tears refuse to flow.

Now hollowness reminds me - do you know what you really want from life?? Like, really really want. At times I think I do, but later I change my mind. When I was younger I thought I want to get to the top.. and be recognized and successful. But now I don't - I feel it takes away the life out of living. It's a hard race.. a hollow race. Nowadays, even a certain shade of green on a leaf can make me happy. Or that wild red flower. Simple joys. Maybe that's what I want. Freedom makes me happy. The smell of rain makes me happy. A gust of cool breeze through the open window enthuses me. I want to feel like I'm just born. Start from scratch, you know.. mend those friendships, walk that road, paint that picture, live my dreams.

What if love changes? What if, what you liked yesterday transforms into an object of disinterest. Would you let me walk back and take a different road? There's no going back .. only forward. It's unfair, the way life constantly turns into a subset of prior experiences, or only a logical extension of it.

Everyone talks about holding on, but why no one ever wants to give up? What if I gave up? And what about those who give up .. is it always wrong? Imagine a world where everyone fought that fight and no one ever gave up. A bloody mess. Life is also about giving up, I feel.. that one day when you finally act human and succumb. But myths and superheroes always win.

This world belongs to those who win. But what about those who fail.. their agony, despair and loneliness? I yearn to meet someone who has gracefully accepted defeat. I believe that man/woman would have a lot to teach me.

Sometimes I feel I want something to hit me and wake me up.. from this sedated life, this constant state of being. Do you believe in fear? I feel fear, as an emotion, has immense power. You know, someday I will die. My worst fear is that, at my moment of death I'll realize I have wasted away my life, all those years of meaningless existence, abandoned dreams and a hollow heart .. and I'll be able to do nothing about it. My life will be like a open-and-shut case. Nothing twisted or interesting. Ordinary, only ordinary. And I won't live to tell that I too had magnificent, abandoned dreams.



So, what's your worst fear?