Forgiveness 487 words

487 words


“Maria, stop crying and look at me!  I keep trying to explain and you’re not listening.  How are we ever going to get through this if you keep walking away and won’t even hear me out?”

I told you this wouldn’t end well.  This was such a typically selfish move!!    You knew how much I needed you. 

“You still do and I need you more than ever.  I can change… I can try harder, but you have to stop shutting me out.  I know you want to fix this.  I can see it in your eyes.  Your silent tears speak louder than any words ever could”

Is there something I could have done?  I tried so hard to be what you needed me to be.  Hell, I tried to be what you needed anyone to be: at any given moment.  Sometimes it felt like my entire point in life was to make you happy!  Maybe that was my huge flaw!  I just want to know why! WHY?

“Look, if you’ll just hear me out, I’m trying to tell you that things are going to be different.  I know we’ve had our fair share of problems…  Ok, I had my fair share of problems and you stuck by me when nobody else would.  Sometimes it seemed like things would never get better.  You think I don’t know how much I’ve hurt you?  I do!  It echoes through me every time I see the hurt in your eyes.  You are my everything”

I counted on you.  I trusted you. I looked up to you for so long.  Whatever your “pipe dream” of the day was, it became mine to. I  All I ever wanted was to live your dreams with you.  I believed in you.  Why wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong?

“None of this was your fault.  Why can’t you understand that things are different now?  I know I’ve said it before but this time it’s really different.  I’m done with the drugs.  I don’t even crave them anymore.  I didn’t realize how much I was hurting you.  I get it now.  I understand”

I’ve missed you so much.  So many things have happened that you should have been a part of.  I have a baby girl now now.  I named her after you.  Alees is going to be one in August.  When I lost you I lost more than a best friend, I lost my mother.  It’s been seven years, momma, and I still miss you as much as I did the day I lost you but I have to let go.  I forgive you.  I forgive you for taking your own life.  I forgive you for leaving me.  You were sick and I understand that. Watch over us Mom.  I'll always love you

“I love you too and I will always be watching over you, my sweet Maria.  Now I can move on too”