Friendship Part 5

The Winter Holiday Season, 2003

“Have you settled on a stenography school yet?”

Katrina shook her head, and thanked the waiter when he arrived with our water. “No. I haven’t really been looking though. Isn’t there one here in Jacksonville? I think I saw a commercial about it yesterday.”

“Yes.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if I went to stenography school here? I wouldn’t be so far away from my parents, and you’ll be living in the city too, won’t you?” She reached across the table to take my hand.

I was taken aback by her behavior, so I covered it up with a joke. “I think you need to stop eating Cocoa Puffs for breakfast.” I teased with a brash laugh.

Katrina took her hand back. “Sorry. I was just thinking out loud.”

I shrugged, not wanting to admit that I liked her being touchy-feely with me. “It would be pretty cool for you to move here after college. Who knows where Donohue and Vicki are going once they graduate, and I don’t really have any other friends, to be honest. But you shouldn’t choose to go to a stenography school because of me. You should choose the best one.”

“I could say the same thing for you. You could go to a firm in Miami, or New York. I bet you could even go abroad if you wanted to. Why come back to Jax?”

I cleared my throat and lowered my voice. “If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

Katrina smiled widely. “A secret I don’t have to drag out of you? Morgan, I’m honored!”

“I actually like it here.”

“What? All that complaining you did on the way here, and you like Jacksonville?”

I smiled sheepishly. “It may be a shitty little Florida city, but it’s my shitty little Florida city. I just cannot imagine a skyline without a river. Or being in a city where you can’t take a bridge to get where you need to go. Or the beaches. How would I be able to live without going to the beach in the summer? Jacksonville has it’s problems, but what am I gonna do? Freeze my ass off in Chicago? Get mugged in New York? Pay out the nose for rent in L.A.? I don’t think so.”

“You have the mind of a poet.” giggled Katrina.

“I have the mind of a realist. Better the devil I know, you know?” I shrugged, swirling my water around with my straw. “Maybe I’m just afraid of going to a bigger city. But that shouldn’t stop you. I mean you’ve traveled all over the place. I know you’re not scared of moving out of your comfort zone.”

Katrina shrugged. “I don’t know about moving away from my parents. I know they don’t really need me, but we’re close.”

“Break the cord! Jesus! Are they pressuring you to move back home?”

Katrina shook her head, making her hair fall into her face. “No. I’d just rather be close to them.” she said as she tried to get her hair under control. We talked some more about our future plans until our pizza arrived. Katrina inhaled deeply, grinning. “I can tell just by the smell that this pizza is going to be fantastic!”

I smiled. “You are a foodie.”

Katrina grinned. “Guilty.” I ate my pizza quickly, but Katrina took her time, savoring every bite. “This is so good Morgan.” She said in a dreamy voice. I choked on the last of my pizza, because her tone sounded like she was getting off. “Are you okay?” She asked.

I covered my mouth with my napkin and hacked out bits of pizza crust and tomato sauce, turning it a chunky vermillion color. “Yeah. I just ate too fast.”

“Let’s get dinner for your mom. She had to work twenty-four hours straight, didn’t she? That’s gotta suck.”

“You’re right. It would be nice to do that.”

Katrina frowned. “You don’t seem to be very happy about that. Does she prefer to cook for herself?”

“No. I’m sure she’d really appreciate takeout.”

Katrina blinked her eyes rapidly. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“About what?” I said, fully aware that I was stonewalling her. I decided to watch myself. If I kept on dropping little bitter dollops of discontent concerning my mom, I’d come off as an asshole. Or else, Katrina would find out the truth. Thankfully, Trina just let it go.

“Whatever. What’s her favorite food?”

On our way back home, I picked up my mother’s favorite, black eyed peas and rice with collard greens and fried red snapper, from a soul food restaurant around the corner from my mom’s apartment. Katrina got an order of cornbread, which she had never tried before. When we got home, me and Katrina split the cornbread over a few glasses of sweet tea. “What does it taste like to you?”

Katrina wiped her mouth. “It’s very dense and sweet like a cake, but not really. It’s kind of grainier than bread I guess, but that doesn’t describe it really.”

“Was it good?”

“Very. Why is it so sweet?”

“Sugar. But not everyone uses sugar in their recipe. Sometimes cornbread is very bland. But I prefer sugar in my cornbread. And it’s supposed to be firm, not hard. There’s nothing more horrible than hard or burnt cornbread. Some versions use creamed corn and extra butter in the dough, but I think that’s a little unnecessary.” Katrina chuckled at me. “What?”

“Now you sound like me. What do you want to do tonight? Still want to sleep in?”

“No. I think I’m over that pissy mood I was in. Let’s hit a club at the beaches.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Again, we spent a few hours watching t.v., but I found myself asleep before too long. When I woke up, I found myself leaning against Katrina’s shoulder. She had her arm around me. I got up immediately, twisting out of her grasp. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to lean on you like a baby.”

“It’s okay. You were tired.” Her smile was exuberant for some reason, as she tucked her legs underneath her body. “Do you want to get ready?”

“What time is it?”

“A little after nine.”

“Did my mom come in?”

“Yes, along with your brother.”

I covered my eyes. “Oh, no. I can only imagine what he said when he saw me sleeping on your shoulder like that.”

“Actually, he didn’t say anything. But he did look kind of pissed.”

“Really? It usually takes a lot for him to lose his cool.”

“Well, I had to make it perfectly clear to him that I don’t like him, so I rubbed your head while he tried to ask me out.”

I laughed in relief. “Yes!” I raised in my hand in victory that my BFF hadn’t fallen prey to my brother’s game, but I quickly recovered. “But don’t you feel weird about letting him assume-”

“He can assume whatever he wants, as long as he leaves you all to myself.” She grinned, blushing. We both laughed at that. “See?! I couldn’t even say that with a straight face!”

“Good one! I’m gonna go get ready now, okay?”

“Sure. I’ll use the bathroom after you-”

I surprised Katrina by taking her hand and pulling her off the couch. “It will be quicker if we put on makeup at the same time. You don’t have a problem with that do you?”

Katrina blushed. “No. As long as you don’t use the bathroom.”

“Well…I guess I better pee first. Knock on the door, and I’ll let you in.”

“Okay.” I quickly relieved myself, washed my hands, and then started washing my face. Katrina knocked gently on the door, and I let her in. She had a small makeup kit with her, and I grabbed her foundation before I could stop her.

“I think that’s too light for you.”

“Duh. I want to see what kind you use. It looks great on you, not that you need it. You’re already beautiful.” I said as I dabbed my face dry with a towel.

Katrina was silent for a long time, and then she started applying her liquid foundation with a sponge. “Thank you. I really didn’t know what you thought of me.”

“Come on. You’re gorgeous. You could be a model if you wanted to be, and you damn well know it. You’ve got that ambiguous complexion, you’ve got the height, and those lips of yours-damn!” I chuckled at Katrina’s embarrassed expression. “I don’t think you need to bother with the blush. You’re already fuchsia!”

“Ha ha!” she said, but she didn’t stop smiling. “I use MAC. Super expensive for a college girl, but I don’t care about prices.”

“So I’ve noticed.” I said, nudging her in the side before I started applying my own foundation.

“That’s not what I meant. If I like something, I buy it. Even if it’s not the most expensive thing in the world. You know how I use MAC foundation? I use Maybelline eyeshadow. And my lipstick is Cover Girl.”

“You mix and match makeup?” I looked at her strangely. “If you have the money, why not buy all the shades you want from the MAC store all at once?”

Katrina shrugged. “I’m picky. Sometimes the color you want is the cheapest one you can find, ironically.”

I shook my head. “That’s hella weird.”

“Gee, thanks.” She replied, as she proceeded to give me a nougie.

“Hey, watch it!” We got dressed pretty quickly, and then we were off to the club. I directed Katrina to Blue’s, a dance club that specialized in pop and Top 40 music. After getting there, we were carded, and settled ourselves in at the bar. “I don’t feel like dancing just yet.” I told Katrina. “I want a drink to let all my juices start flowing.”

“What kind of juices are you talking about?” asked Katrina with a wink.

“Hmm…maybe that was a bad choice of words.” I muttered, not wanting to flirt with her in public. I didn’t intend on making my sexuality known at the club, and I didn’t want anyone to think me and Katrina were anything more than friends, for her sake. “What do you want to drink?”

“Scotch.”

I raised my eyebrows at that. “That’s a little strong, don’t you think?”

“Well, we’re going to be here for a while, I might as well enjoy myself.” She raised her hand and called a bartender over, a cute little twenty-something woman who seemed to be a few years older than us. “I’ll have a scotch. What are you having?”

“A dirty martini. Extra olives please. And I’m paying.”

Katrina shook her head. “I can’t let you do that-”

“And why not? You’ve done all the driving, all the shopping. I feel like a glorified tour guide. Come on, let me hook you up.”

Katrina smiled. “Well, since you put it that way, More, I’ll take you up on that.”

The bartender looked at me then at her. “Do you want ice in your scotch?”

“Just two cubes, please.” The bartender nodded and got started on our drinks. “So…do you dance as well as you sing?”

I swallowed hard. I felt like she had walloped me in the stomach. “What?” I asked flatly.

“Well, you’re a good singer, I was just curious to see if you were a good dancer too.” she said.

My martini arrived, and I hurriedly took a sip. “I don’t want to talk about me singing.”

“Why not? I mean, you definitely held your own with Les. You’re really good.” I took a giant gulp of my martini and swallowed in response. “What? You still don’t think you’re good? You are amazing.” She swirled her scotch around with her straw, and took a long sip, winced and continued talking. “I mean, your voice has this rich, deep, husky almost jazzy quality to it. I really like it.”

I felt slightly embarrassed, she’d probably never hear me sing again, and there she was gushing over my voice. “You thought that much about my voice?”

“I like musicians, as you can tell. It just gives me another reason to like you.” She started drinking more of her scotch, looking at me. I didn’t know what to say, but thankfully she changed the subject. “So, when are you actually going to start Christmas shopping? Your mom is really pissed with you.”

“Pfft. Tell me about it.” I shrugged. “It takes me a while to find something I like for someone. I can’t just pick something out randomly. It feels like I’m being a lazy ass.”

“It’s the thought that counts. Besides, Christmas is all about being together with people you care about anyway. Presents are just icing on the cake.”

“So does this mean I don’t have to get one for you?” I asked hopefully.

“Not if you don’t want to. But you’d feel bad because I got something for you.” She said, nudging me with her elbow.

“No way! Where was I? I didn’t see you buy me anything!”

“That’s because you are totally oblivious. But that’s okay. Oblivious looks good on you.”

I laughed. “I better watch out. You’re getting better at flirting with me.”

Katrina blushed and downed the rest of her scotch. “Tell me why you decided to be an accountant.”

“The pay is fantastic, and once you’re in the pocket of a large enough firm, you’re pretty much set for life. I want a certain lifestyle. A nice place, nice car, and clothes. I don’t want to be piecemealing for the rest of my life, or working overtime on a stressful job. I’m good at numbers, and I’m good at passing tests, so being an accountant is perfect for me.”

“But don’t you want a job that you really want to do, not just for the money?”

I chuckled. “That is what a job is for, you know. Making money. If I feel strongly about something else, I’ll make it into a hobby-”

“What Les said about you is true, you know. You’re a really good singer, and you seem like you’ve worked really hard at being good. Have you ever thought of singing professionally?”

I shook my head. “No way will that ever happen.” I changed the subject quickly. “And what about you? Why do you even want a degree in accounting if you’re not going to use it?”

“Just like you, I’m good at taking accounting tests, so I went ahead and made it my major.”

“Any reason why you’re not following your heart’s desire?”

Katrina looked at me, but shook her head and looked at her feet. “I have only one desire right now, but it has nothing to do with a job.”

“Tell me about it.” I said.

Katrina bit her lip. “I know this isn’t the right place for it, but it’s now or-”

“Katrina? Katrina, is that you?” asked a shrill voice. I looked over Katrina’s shoulder to see a short, petite woman with long flowing tresses. Katrina grimaced and turned around.

“LaVonda. Hi.”

“Get off that bar stool girl, and give me a hug!” She said with a wide smile. Katrina shot me an annoyed look, but stood up and hugged LaVonda with weak enthusiasm.

“Morgan, this LaVonda. She’s in Phi Alpha Beta, my old sorority.”

“Well, it can be your sorority again if you come back. Didn’t Shawna and the others talk to you about it when they went to your party?”

“No. They didn’t mention that. But I don’t want to go back anyway.”

“Oh, come on, Kat. Don’t be like that.” said LaVonda, playing with a strand of Katrina’s hair. “You know everyone misses you, even if you did pick up in the middle of the night and dump us all. You’re still our sister.”

“Please don’t touch my hair. It’s childish.” said Katrina coldly. LaVonda frowned and dropped the ringlet of Katrina’s hair.

“What is your problem? You know, you seem to have forgotten how you were before you joined us. Plain, silent, and no fashion sense at all. You didn’t even wear makeup. You were the most boring rushee there, and you still got accepted. And now that you’re finally acting like a real woman, you think you can look down on the rest of us.”

“I’m not looking down on anyone. I wanted out, and I got out. If you’ve got nothing else to say to me, I’d appreciate it if you left me and my friend alone.”

LaVonda folded her arms, and loudly cleared her throat. “Your friend? Since when do you hang out with bald freaks?” At that, my hands balled up. I wanted to knock that chick’s teeth down her throat, but I restrained myself. “You left us so you can go slumming with the rainbow coalition? You know who you really hurt when you left? Deena. She still asks about you two years later. She even thought that you would eventually take her place as President, but you made no secret about what you thought about that.” She looked at Katrina in the way that sorority sisters had often stared at me: with absolute disgust. “I can’t see what everyone even saw in you. It’s obvious that you don’t have any loyalty at all, and judging by that piece of trash behind you, no self-respect.”

Katrina smiled sweetly, and sat back down on her bar stool. “Are you still holding onto a grudge after how many years? Two? Three? I’m sorry, I haven’t spent my entire college education locked inside a elaborate clubhouse, so I can’t really recall. Self-respect? Isn’t that…amusing considering the source of that argument? In my short time as your sister, I witnessed backstabbing, vandalism, cheating on exams, and an orgy. In my room of all places! I don’t think your definition of self-respect applies to me, and thank goodness it doesn’t apply to anyone I consider a friend today. Speaking of friends, I don’t allow anyone to refer to my friends as trash. You owe Morgan an apology.”

“I don’t owe any dyke an apology.”

Katrina’s eyes flared wide. I had never seen her that angry. She stood up, and towered over LaVonda. “You owe my friend an apology, or I’ll have a little face to face meeting with a few of your sisters detailing how you slept with their boyfriends. The difference between you and me is that I never betrayed anyone. I left, and I kept everyone’s secrets, even the criminal ones.” LaVonda snarled, but Katrina held her ground. “Do it, or I’ll keep my word. I always keep my word, remember?”

“I apologize.” growled LaVonda.

“Now find another club. Or I’ll make copies of the photos I took of you getting double-teamed by those two anonymous Count Draculas on Holloween.”

LaVonda gasped, covered her mouth, and ran off. “Katrina…what the hell was that?”

“I don’t know, More. But I know I need another drink.”

“Coming right up.” I raised my hand to hail the bartender, but she was already right next to us. Apparently she had been listening to our whole conversation.

“This round is on me. Same drinks as before?” Offered the bartender.

“Better make mine a double.” said Katrina.

“I’ll take a mojito.” I said, getting the pricier option since she was offering to pay.

“I’ve never seen anyone handle themselves so well. Usually arguments don’t end well around here.” noted the bartender as she poured Katrina’s scotch. “That was a really classy thing to do.”

Katrina shrugged. “I was just defending my friend. She’s had my back more than once in similar situations. I just owed her one.”

“Thanks, Katrina.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to let you be the only badass. You stood up to Michael twice, remember?”

I shrugged and grinned. “It was nothing, really.”

“Nothing, my ass!” Katrina turned to the bartender and told her the basic rundown.

“You ladies, have what many men lack, balls!” she said with a grin. “I’m June.” We introduced ourselves, thanked her for the free round, and toasted her.

“She was really nice.” I said, playing with my drink once June moved away to serve another patron.

“Very.” Katrina sipped her scotch. “So now you know why I really left my sorority.”

“Just because of one girl?”

“Her, and all of the stuff that was going on in the sorority. Sorority sisters claim to pride themselves on having a higher standard than everyone else, but that standard only applies to clothes and money. In everything else, manners, common courtesy, respect for other people…they might as well be wild animals.” She sighed and drank more scotch. “If I had known it was going to be like that, I never would have joined. I would have just stayed anonymous and boring.”

“Nothing about you is boring.”

“Well, now I’m not boring because I learned so much from being in a sorority. Before I joined, I didn’t have much of anything.” Katrina sighed.

“You got what you needed from them, and you got out before they changed you. That’s nothing to feel bad about.”

“Then why do I feel so guilty? LaVonda might be an A+ bitch, but she had a point. I left them all. They were my sisters. I pledged to be with them, and I left. It was a shitty thing to do.” Katrina covered her forehead in distress.

“What made you leave? It seems like you really fit in.”

“The stuff that went on in the sorority house really bothered me, but one day I couldn’t take it anymore. I woke up one morning to see three guys in my roommate’s bed, not to mention the feathers that were all over the place from the chickens let loose in there the night before. Then it hit me that I was living in a madhouse, and my parents had raised me better than that, and I didn’t want to have anything to do with that sorority anymore.”

I nudged her side playfully. “Are you sure LaVonda didn’t sleep with your boyfriend?”

Katrina laughed. “I’ve never been serious about men, More. I’m not that type of girl.”

“Do you ever see yourself settled down? White picket fence? 2.5 kids?”

“I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Not in this reality.”

“Why not? You can have any guy you want.”

“I don’t want just any guy. I want…I don’t know what I want.” She covered her face.

I groaned. “Why’d I let you drink all that scotch? Now you’re depressed.” I downed my mojito, and took her hand. “Dance floor. Now.”

“Since when are you the pushy one?”

“Are you questioning my authority?”

Katrina threw back the rest of her scotch. “No ma’am!” She stood up, and we started dancing to “My Love Is Like…Wo” by Mya. And for two hours, we forgot about college, and responsibility. None of that seemed to matter. I didn’t even think about what anyone else thought of us as we bumped booties, slow danced, and just had fun. It was so effortless dancing with Katrina. Even though she had a better rhythm than me, she didn’t turn it into a competition. We danced to songs by No Doubt, Nelly, Missy Elliot, and Christina Aguilera. We were in the middle of “Rock Wit U” by Ashanti when an older guy approached me.

“Can I dance with your friend?” He asked me.

I stopped dancing, a little pissed that he was cutting in, but I knew it wasn’t my place to cockblock. “If she wants.” I said, putting the ball in Katrina’s court.

“No thank you.” She said quietly.

“Why not?” asked the guy, in surprise.

“I’m just having a girl’s night out. I’m not interested in anything else.” She told him. She took my hand and we moved to another part of the dance floor away from him. She danced closer to me and whispered, “If anyone else approaches me, feel free to knee him in the groin.”

I laughed, and we started dancing again. This time, it was only a couple of seconds before another guy tried to cut in. From there, a number of men tried several tactics, ranging from cutting in to outright grabbing at Katrina. After awhile, I had had enough. “Let’s get the hell out of here, Trina. These guys are ruining my groove.”

“Yeah. Let’s go.” We walked out of the club at around midnight. “Urgh. I feel so robbed, you know? Why can’t a girl just have fun by with a friend without being hunted by cavemen? This is why I don‘t go to clubs!”

“It’s not like you’re average looking. You’re beautiful, Trina. I can’t really blame those guys for going after you.”

Katrina stared at me. “What are you trying to say?”

I shrugged, feeling stupid for saying anything when she was already upset. “Nothing, I guess.”

Katrina looked at me before turning away and sighing heavily. “I wish there was somewhere we could go without being hassled. We still have two hours before the clubs close. Are there any smaller clubs in the area that we could check out?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure they’re all packed by now anyway.”

Katrina took a deep breath. “What about a gay club?”

My mouth dropped. “What?”

“Are there any gay clubs around here?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea-”

“Why not? I won’t get bothered by any guys.”

“But…you’ll get harassed by women. They’ll think you’re a femme.”

“What’s a femme?”

“A feminine lesbian.”

“So what would you be?”

“I try not to label myself, but I think I’m somewhere in the middle.”

“The middle of what?”

“There’s a lesbian spectrum. There’s butch at one end, those are the type of lesbians who are very masculine, some of them are mistaken for men. And then there are lesbians who are kind of androgynous, or maybe they’re not too butch or not too femme. And then there are femmes who are really feminine, high heels, dresses, the whole nine.”

“So…not all lesbians look like you and Donohue?” she asked quietly.

I chuckled. “You think I’m a poster girl for lesbians?”

“I didn’t say that! I don’t want to offend you, I just thought all lesbians looked…unique. Kind of edgy.”

“From what I’ve read, I think it was important at one time to really stand out. Now it doesn’t matter as much. At least not to me. I actually like femmes more than andros or butches.”

“Any particular reason why?”

“Butches are kind of standoffish. And a lot of them try way too hard to prove how tough they are. And dating someone whose in the middle, like me would be extremely boring. So that leaves femmes.”

“Huh.” said Katrina, as she started her car. “Now I totally want to go to a gay club.”

“Why? I don’t really like gay clubs. Yeah it’s cool to go to a club where you can dance with whoever you want without feeling funny, but I don’t like techno. And things can get kind of crazy. Maybe a lot crazier than you’re used to.”

“If shit hit’s the fan, we can just leave.”

“I don’t want you to get freaked out or anything. You might not like seeing gay men passing for women, or drag queens performing.”

“There are drag queens at gay clubs?”

“Well, duh. Drag queens are usually gay. Unless they’re transgender, which means most of them are technically straight.”

Katrina looked blank. “Okay, I totally don’t get that. Isn’t a man in a dress a man in a dress?”

I covered my eyes. “Yeah, you definitely don’t need to be going to a gay club. If you don’t even understand the concept of a transexual, then there’s no way you’ll be comfortable there, and no one’s going to be comfortable there with you staring at them like they’re freaks.”

“So explain it to me.”

And I explained it as best as I could on the way back to my mom’s place. About how drag queens could be straight men who liked to cross-dress, gay men, bisexual men, or transexual men. Katrina had a hard time grasping the concept of a transexual man, or a transexual in general.

“I don’t get it. How can someone physically be born a male, but mentally be a female?”

I shrugged. “One of life’s great mysteries, I guess. How can I be a healthy young woman and not be attracted to a man? I think assuming people are screwed up just because they don‘t fit into your personal definition of normal is a little arrogant.”

Katrina tilted her head at me. “You have a point.”

I smirked. “About me not being a healthy young woman?”

“No. About arrogance. I’m not trying to be arrogant though. I just don’t understand it.”

“Honestly, I don’t either. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be trapped in a body that’s totally of synch with your mind, and the only way to deal with it is by wearing what you feel is natural. Well, that and taking a chance on surgery. That‘s gotta be rough.”

“Is that even possible? Can a man really become a woman?”

“If the price is right. Of course, after the transistion, transexuals still have to take hormones, whether they’re male to female, or female to male-”

“Wait. There are female to male transexuals?” Katrina looked shocked. “There are women out there who would rather have a dick?”

I laughed. “You are so not ready to go to a gay club! You’d freak out at the first person who walked past you!”

“I won’t freak out. I promise. I just want to know what it’s like.”

“You know, I’m surprised you haven’t gone to a gay club before. Isn’t it a hetero rite of passage? You go to the club with your friends, get drunk and do something you regret, and laugh at yourself in the morning-”

“I wasn’t ready for it when I was part of my sorority. It weirded me out.”

“What weirded you out about the gay club?”

“This is embarrassing to admit, but I thought people just went there to have gay sex and do cocaine.”

“As opposed to a regular club where people have straight sex and do cocaine?”

Katrina laughed. “I never thought of that!”

I sighed. “I don’t know if this is a good idea. I don’t want you freaked out.”

“Give me some credit, Morgan. You’re my best friend, and I don’t have a problem with your sexuality. Yes, I was shocked initially, but I got over it. I’ll do the same thing at the gay club.”

“Okay. Alright. Your mature and sensitive attitude has won me over. I’ll take you tomorrow.”

“Really?” asked Katrina giving me a big hug.

“Whoa! What’s that for? It’s just a club.”

“Yes, but it’s an important place for you. I’m happy that you’re taking me to see it.”

“It’s not that big a deal. Just treat people there with respect, and respect will be shown to you.”

“Is that the gay golden rule?”

I chuckled. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

When we arrived at my mother’s apartment, Katrina announced, “I can’t go to sleep just yet. I hope that’s okay with you.”

“That’s cool. I guess we can stay up watching Comedy Central again.”

“I think there’s a Law & Order marathon on. I’d rather see that.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll probably end up passed out on you again. Excuse me if I drool on your lap this time.”

Katrina giggled so hard, she covered her mouth to stop herself. “Funny!”

Soon, we found ourselves on the couch again, but this time when I started drifting off, I didn’t fight it. I dreamt I was in my secret place, except it was different. Instead of being in a dark, cool bridge underpass illuminated by a few rays of sunshine, I was in a glowing bright meadow. The wildflowers weren’t restrained to a few square yards, they were all around me. I felt happy. I felt everything was good. I jumped and somersaulted a few times, something I hadn’t done in years, and I sat down to look at the tall swaying grass and flowers all around me. I felt someone take my hand, and squeeze it gently. I smiled and turned to see who it was, but before I could look at the person’s face, I woke up. The outline of a woman’s face blurred into a halo of light coming from the hall light in my mother’s apartment. I rubbed my eyes in disappointment.

“Are you alright? You woke up in a hurry.” said Katrina, stroking the top of my head slightly. I didn’t answer her immediately, already mourning the loss of my dream, and the discovery of the mystery woman, even if it had all been the result of too much alcohol, and Katrina’s really comfortable lap. When my befuddled stream of consciousness thinking slowed down, allowing me to process the fact that I was definitely crossing the line by sleeping on Katrina‘s lap and letting her rub my head, I got up and went into the kitchen for a glass of water.

“I’m going to bed.” I announced, after Katrina didn’t question me further. When I looked at her to gauge her reaction, she just nodded soberly and didn’t ask me any questions. By the time I was ready for bed, it was two am. I was in bed for a good hour, unable to get back to sleep until Katrina quietly slipped into bed next to me.

“Morgan? Are you awake?” she whispered.

I wanted to giggle so much. It felt like I was at a sleepover. “Yeah.”

“What did you dream about?”

“I dreamed about something…impossible.” I replied. It was true. I’d never be deliriously happy enough to be in a sun-filled meadow with someone courageous enough to hold my hand.

“Tell me about it.”

“It’s not important.” I didn’t want to admit how simplistic my desires were. Sun. Flowers. Hand holding. Joy. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I would sound like a kid, or else a giant baby if I told her about my dream. Katrina didn’t ask me any more questions.

“I won’t judge you if you tell me about it. Whatever it is.” I felt the pressure of her hand next my body as she moved it across my bed searchingly. Finally, she found my hand and squeezed it loosely before letting it go. “Goodnight.”

I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Not a quiet, whimpering sob, but a bawling, weeping downpour of anguish. Was that going to be my reality for the rest of my life? A quiet, sympathetic squeeze from my friend in the dark? I moved my pillow from underneath my head and bit into it, ignoring the pieces of lint invading my mouth. I ordered myself not to cry. What the hell was the point of it anyway? It wouldn’t change the fact that no one loved me. That last thought made me betray myself, sending fat flowing tears down my cheeks. I cried until I was all cried out, but I made sure Katrina couldn’t hear me. I didn’t need any more sympathy, and I couldn’t bear any more questions about what I really thought.

I fell asleep sometime between 2:30 and 3 am. I only knew I had fallen asleep because I found myself waking up in Katrina’s arms yet again. “Goddamn it.” I muttered underneath my breath. Where before I had sought solace in Katrina’s arms, I now found heartbreak. I didn’t want her to hold me when she was probably dreaming of someone else, or not dreaming of anything at all. I shifted a little further away, but she just moved with me, pressing her chin against my shoulder, and holding me around the stomach. I felt trapped until a random crazy thought popped into my head that made everything okay: she was holding me like a teddy bear. One of those large novelty ones you can only get at a county fair. It was such a ridiculous thought I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. After that, I was okay with her holding me, and I went back to sleep.

I awoke to Katrina shaking me. “Hey, Morgan.”

“Yeah?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Let’s get an early start. Going to the stores is going to be a killer with all the traffic.”

“Sure. Let me grab some cereal, and I’ll be good to go.”

“Okay. I’m going to take a shower.” I nodded and Katrina left the room. I decided not to mention the fact that she kept hugging me in the middle of the night. I was sure she didn’t even know what she was doing, and I didn’t want her to think I was turning her into a lesbian, or something stupid like that. I knew she had been extremely cool to me up until that point, but I didn’t know how she would react if she felt her sexuality was being threatened. So, I kept my mouth shut about everything. I pushed the night before to the back of my mind as me and Katrina ate a bowl of cold cereal and talked about what stores we needed to go to. “Your mom told me earlier that she liked gospel music, but what does she really like? And what about your brother?”

“I don’t know.” I said, slurping the last of the sugar sweet milk from my bowl. “I usually don’t talk to my mom and my brother about what they like.”

“They’re your family. You know what they like.”

I sighed. “I don’t know why it’s so important to go shopping for everyone. Why don’t I just buy gift cards and let everyone get whatever they want?”

Katrina looked at me strangely. “You really don’t believe in Christmas, do you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Why do you believe in Christmas? Because you get free stuff? Because everyone expects you to celebrate it?” I shut my mouth before I said anything insulting. Religion got me fired up in a heartbeat.

Katrina blinked surprised by my attitude. “I believe in Christmas because I believe in God. I believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You don’t?”

“No. God is on the same level as Santa Claus in my opinion.”

Katrina’s eyes widened. “Haven’t you ever been to church?”

“Of course. I went every week when I was younger. I just don’t believe in the Bible, or what it says.”

“Is it because you’re gay?”

“I was an athiest long before I could even admit that I liked women. I’m not an athiest because the Bible condemns homosexuals to death. I’m an athiest because I have no proof of God’s existence. It’s an open and shut case for me.”

Katrina sat back her chair stunned. “I don’t think God would condemn anyone to death. If they were really born that way.”

“Have you ever read the Bible? It clearly does condemn people like me to death. Along with allowing slavery, and genocide.” I shook my head, regretting I had started the discussion in the first place. “I don’t really like talking about things like this. We’re never going to agree.”

“You really don’t believe…in anything?”

“I believe in my own future. I think that’s enough.”

Katrina took my hands. “I’m sorry.”

I cocked my head at her. “Are you sorry that I don’t believe, or are you sorry that you do?” Katrina frowned and took her hands back. “We should get going.” I took up our bowls and washed them at the sink before going outside to warm up my car. It sputtered horribly for the first minute, and then started to sound almost like a car should. After a few minutes, Katrina came out.

“Shouldn’t we take my car?” she said leaning on my driver’s side window.

“You’ve done enough driving. It’s my turn. Get in.” Katrina got into my car.

“Where are you going to go first?” She said with a sigh.

I thought really hard for a moment. “I hope my mom still likes wind chimes.”

“Wind chimes?”

“My mother usually has them up during the summertime. She says they remind her of home.”

“Is she from Jamaica too?”

“No. She grew up about an hour away from here in Georgia. Her old house had a big porch with lots of wind chimes. In the summer, it was like the wind brought music to the house every time it blew by.” I closed my eyes and smiled, remembering. “I’d forgotten about that.” Katrina nodded, and I pulled out of the parking spot and onto the main drag. It was still early, so traffic wasn’t congested. “I’m stopping by Pier 1 Imports first.” I drove to the Atlantic Beach location which was about fifteen minutes away. I was surprised when Katrina didn’t say anything to me, she just looked out of her window the entire time. “Are you okay?” I asked once I pulled up to the store. “I hope I didn’t offend you.”

“You didn’t offend me. You just made me sad. That’s all.”

I turned to her but she wouldn’t look at me. “I wasn’t trying to make you sad. But I couldn’t lie to you either. About how I felt.”

Katrina turned to me. “I’m surprised you think honesty is a virtue.”

“Athiests are more honest than Christians. Being honest isn’t one of the Ten Commandments, remember?” I said with a wink. “Let’s go.” We walked into the store together, and I made a beeline for the lawn and garden department. Unfortunately, the only wind chimes I saw were way too big and made of hollow sounding bamboo, not the delicate metallic ones I knew my mother loved. “On to the next store.” I said after being in the store for half a minute.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to look for something for your brother since you’re here?”

“Don’t remind me.” I looked around but didn’t see anything he’d be interested in. “Let’s get out of here.”

“What are you going to get him?”

I shrugged. “He really doesn’t deserve a gift. That asshole gives me a can of nuts every year.”

Katrina frowned. “He’s starting to become my least favorite person.”

I chuckled. “I’m glad you finally agree!” We got back in my car and buckled up.

“Don’t you ever wonder though? Don’t you ever feel like there’s something out there looking out for you?”

“You’re not letting this go, are you?” I said.

Katrina folded her arms over her chest. “I’d understand if you at least believed in something else. If you were a Muslim, or a Buddhist. But I don’t get that you don’t believe there isn’t a God, or at least a beginning to everything.”

“If I believed in a God, I’d have to believe that I’m an ant.”

Katrina blinked. “What?”

“If God exists, than I’m just an ant that he’s aiming a big beam of light at, slowly burning to death. And he’s laughing.”

“God doesn’t cause suffering. People suffer because the devil makes them sin.”

“Really, Katrina? Let’s put this in perspective. Let’s say you are a police officer and you see a serial killer in the act of killing someone, and you do nothing to stop him. Let’s say you even go so far as to blame the victim for being killed because they were unprepared to defend themselves, or they were the wrong race, or the wrong sex, whatever excuse you want to make. Who would be more evil? You or the serial killer?”

“I would be. If I was I policewoman, my first duty would be to protect those who needed my help.”

“So what do you think God does? If Satan is the cause of all evil, then God is more evil for standing back and doing nothing to stop him. And don’t start talking about Jesus. Jesus was here for thirty years, left and didn’t come back.” Katrina just turned away from me and looked away. That pissed me off. “If you don’t like my answers, then you should stop asking me. I don’t like talking about it as it is.”

“You’re not answering my questions. I asked you if you felt anything.”

I shrugged. “No. I don’t.”

“Well, I feel something. I may not be able to understand it, but I feel…something.”

“Maybe it‘s gas.” I muttered.

“That’s not funny.”

“You’re right. Flatulance is no laughing matter.” I replied dryly.

Katrina rolled her eyes and looked out of her window again. “Where are you going next?”

“Marshalls, and if I don’t have any luck there, TJ Maxx.”

“Aren’t those discount stores?”

“Yep. They usually carry lawn and garden stuff in the back. It’s a step down from Pier 1, but their merchandise mostly comes from department stores, so the quality is the same.”

“I’ve never been to those places.” She muttered under her breath. I don’t know if she said it to be mean, or if she just doesn’t know what to expect from a discount store. I was aware that I’d probably pissed her off, so I didn’t say anything until we get to Marshalls, which was about twenty minutes away in Atlantic Beach. When I finally pulled up, they hadn’t even opened yet. “Great.” She groaned.

I shrugged. “At least I’ve got heat.” Katrina rolled her eyes and didn’t say anything. I didn’t push a conversation on her. I knew she was angry. Still it made me a little uneasy. Katrina simply wasn’t the quiet type. I was used to quiet being by myself. But pure silence in Katrina’s presence felt downright heavy! Minutes dragged on. The sun, dulled by the fogginess of gray winter sky seemed to get brighter, but not by much. “I’m sorry.” I blurted, like a cough.

“Hm?” said Katrina, as if I had interrupted her train of thought.

“I’m sorry about…everything.” I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. I didn’t like biting my tongue, or taking things back if I really meant to say them. I just didn’t want Katrina to be mad at me. It was unbearable.

Katrina shook her head. “I just didn’t expect to ever be close friends with anyone who felt the way you do about things. I’m shocked out of my mind.”

I felt something harden inside of me. Something that was always there, waiting to cut and run. “If you want to go home early, I totally understand. It’s cool.”

Katrina gave me a blank look, and chuckled nervously. “Why would I want to do that? Are you kicking me out?”

“No…”

Katrina poked me with her elbow. “I can see why you’ve never invited anyone over. You want to kick people out as soon as they don’t dress like you, or think like you do.” Now it was my turn to stare blankly. How had she known I hadn’t ever invited a friend to my house? My heart sank when I remembered the countless opportunities she had had to speak to my mother, or worse, my brother. What had they told her about me? Did they tell her the reason why I zoned out? “I was only kidding, Morgan.” Then her face took on a strange worry I had never seen before. “Are you okay?”

“I just feel a little dumb, looking for wind chimes in winter.” The lie was out before I could stop it, not that I wanted to.

“Well, I’ve done dumber things. Like trying to buy horseshoes in a regular store.” I looked at her funny, and as usual, she blushed like always. “I was eight at the time!” By the time the store finally opened, we were laughing and teasing each other as usual. We both went inside and I made a beeline for the back of the store. I saw a few metallic wind chimes, but they all looked cheap, like something you could make yourself from leftover string and scraps of metal. Katrina liked them, but I didn’t. “I don’t see why you just didn’t buy them. They were artsy.” She groaned as we left the store. “What if TJ Maxx doesn’t have wind chimes?”

I shrugged. “Then hopefully Ross will.”

“Who’s Ross? And what about your brother’s gift?”

I groaned. “What am I supposed to do? Buy him a pony?”

“Huh?”

“My brother likes horses. He thought he was going be Zorro one day, or one of the Cartright brothers from The Ponderosa until he hit puberty.”

“Well, obviously, you can’t buy him a horse, but what’s the next best thing?”

“I…guess I can get him horseback riding lessons from somewhere. They’d have to be a cheap package deal. I only have a hundred and seventy dollars left.”

Katrina nods. “I know of some people who have horses. Maybe I can make a few phone calls and see if they’d be willing to teach your brother how to ride a horse.”

I grimaced, imagining the faces of some high class weekend riders outfitted to the teeth in proper English riding outfits, with my brother arriving for horse riding lessons in full western regalia. “Maybe it would be better if I looked in the phone book first.”

Katrina smiled, reading my mind. “Sure.”

TJ Maxx was the same as Marshalls, but Katrina’s attention seemed to drift down the aisles and really take things in. I caught her gazing longingly on a pair of jeans more than once. “You know, you can look if you really want to.” I said, slightly amused.
“Really? Thanks!” Katrina took off and didn’t stop until she had an armful of jeans and shirts. She ran to the fitting room and wanted me to go on in there with her, but I told her it was better if she just tried on an outfit at a time, came out and ask my opinion then. She nodded in understanding. My opinion didn’t seem to matter much. I swear, Trina liked everything she tried on, even though the colors were far too bright for my taste, and in garish designs. By the time she was done, it was twelve. “Oh no!” She exclaimed, loaded down with shopping bags. “Are you going to have enough time?”

I shrugged helplessly. “There’s still one day left.”

“The day before Christmas? I don’t think so. Things are going to be busy enough as it is this afternoon.” Katrina lent me her cell phone, and I called around a few places for riding lessons. I happened to find a stable in Camden County that offered three riding lessons for seventy five bucks. I grimaced, but since that was the cheapest price I had heard so far, I took the offer. I felt comfortable getting my brother lessons in Camden. Sure it was a hick town, but most of our extended family lived there, and chances were the stable owners were regular working class people who actually took care of the horses themselves, and wouldn’t mind showing my brother the ropes. By the time I drove down to Camden and back, it was around three o’clock. I still didn’t have the wind chimes I wanted. “Why don’t you go back to TJ Maxx and see what they have? Something is better than nothing.”

“No. I’ll try Ross. Those wind chimes at TJ Maxx aren’t going anywhere.”

“Who’s Ross again?” asked Katrina.

I chuckled. “Ross is a store like TJ Maxx and Marshalls.”

Katrina blushed. “Oh. I’ve never heard of it.”

We drove back to Jacksonville and drove out to Atlantic Beach. Ross unfortunately had no wind chimes to choose from whatsoever. “Gah! This is ridiculous!” I exclaimed, after storming out of the store.

“Wait! Maybe you can try an antique store.” said Katrina as she caught up with me.

I sighed wearily. “What other choice do I have?” Once we got home, I hauled out the yellow pages and called around to various antique dealers. By the time six o’clock rolled around, no one I called had what I was looking for.

“Well, there’s always TJ Maxx tomorrow.”

“I haven’t called all the antique shops in the city. There are still dozens more to call. I’ll use TJ Maxx as a last resort.” I sat down on the couch in a heap.

Katrina sat down next to me. “Don’t get so stressed out. We still have one day left.”

“Don’t remind me.” I grunted. “I should have listened to my Mom.”

Katrina laughed. “I bet that’s the first time you’ve ever said that.”

I snorted. “Probably.”

“I’ll order in, unless you can take me to another great restaurant around here.”

I shook my head. “I’m a one-trick pony, Trina. Besides, I don’t feel like driving anymore.”

“I’m in the mood for something chocolate. What about you?”

“Huh. Sounds good. But what restaurant is going to deliver anything chocolate?”

“Good point. Are they any good seafood restaurants that will deliver here?”

“Seafood?”

“Yes. I’ll settle for shrimp, or fish and chips.”

“Huh. I don’t know if I want seafood right now…”

“Really? I thought you liked clams!” chuckled Katrina.

“Hardy har har.” I said. “I hope you don’t tell jokes like that at the club.”

She perked up. “You still want to take me? Yay!”

“Calm down. It’s not that serious. A gay club is just like any other club, except it has male go-go dancers instead of female ones. That should be fun for you, right?” I said, nudging her playfully.

“I’ve pretty much seen it all when it comes to men. Male dancers are a dime a dozen.” Katrina scoffed. “All they do is rock their crotches back and forth and shimmy.”

I just stared at her. That was the first time I’d ever heard a straight woman diss a male dancer of any kind. “Okay…”

“I mean, what’s the point of seeing a gay dancer anyway?”

I shrugged. “Well, they’re not exactly there to dance for straight women, you know.”

Katrina gulped. “Right. My mistake. So if you don’t feel like seafood, what do you feel like having?” I momentarily thought about having her, and I had to literally shake the thought out of my head. “Morgan?”

“Sorry. I’m just a little tired. I’ll have whatever you want.”

“What? But I just told you I wanted seafood-”

“Just order me something. I’m…gonna go lie down.” I went to my room to get away from her, but she just followed me.

“Morgan, if you don’t want to take me to the club, then that’s okay.” She looked away and sighed. “I know I don’t understand much about you, or about what being gay is like-”

I fought the urge to take the easy way out. If we stayed in for another night, I would just be around Katrina more, and I couldn’t have that. I could not afford to fall for her. I just couldn’t. It was one thing if she showed one inch of interest in me, but she didn’t. No kisses on the cheek, no flirtatious hugs or grabs. She was as straight as an arrow. I had to go to the club, and get my attention diverted for a few hours. Maybe then I could snap myself out of it. “I still want to take you. I am just dead tired right now.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes, I couldn’t bear to.

“Is fish and chips all right with you?”

“That’s fine.”

“Alright. I’ll let you know when the food gets here.” Thankfully, Katrina closed the door behind her and left me alone. I just lay there on my back trying to think of anything but her. I finally settled into a steady mantra of accounting shorthand symbols and terminologies. I didn’t even realize hours had passed until my brother knocked own my door.

“Eh, Mush!” he called out.

“What?” I spat out in annoyance.

“Your girl got you something to eat.”

“Alright.” I stretched, got out of bed and went out there. Katrina was setting out Captain D’s food containers for us. My brother looked over the Styrofoam containers hungrily.

“Where’s mine?” He demanded.

“I didn’t get you anything.” she said, not looking at him as she continued to set everything out.

“Aw, you’re slipping, Kat.”

Katrina chuckled harshly. “I really wish you wouldn’t call me that. That’s a nickname I hate.”

Colby scratched his head and shrugged. “Whatever.”

I took a container, careful not to make eye contact with her again. “Thanks, Trina.”

She sighed. “It was no problem.” We ate silently. I figured she wasn’t talking my head off because she was nervous about going to a gay club. I barely tasted the fish and chips. “Was everything…good?” Katrina asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes. Everything was fine.”

“Really? Then why can‘t you look at me?” She leaned over the table and touched my hands. “You know I would never judge you for saying anything-”

“I’m home!” announced my mother, walking in with a bunch of bags in her hands. Thankful for the distraction, I took a big sigh of relief and offered to help her. My mother shooed me away with her hands. “You don’t need to see these. Why don’t the three of you go somewhere for a few hours? I have presents to wrap.”

I scowled. “The three of us?”

“Yes. Your brother’s car is in the shop.”

“I can’t take him with us.”

“And why not?”

“Because me and Katrina are going out.”

My mother gave me a harsh look. “I hope it’s not to one of those places.”

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m heading off to a strip club or to pick up prostitutes off the streets.” I didn’t raise my voice, but I made sure my tone was nasty. “Forget this. I’m taking a walk.”

I grabbed my jacket and left before anyone could stop me. The air was cold and cutting into my face, but I didn’t care. I also didn’t care that my mother lived in a pretty seedy area, and walking around at night was a stupid thing to do. I heard quick, hurried footsteps behind me. Luckily for me, it was only Katrina coming after me. “Hey, hang on!” she called out as she fell into step with me. I waited for her, and then kept walking. “Morgan, you should go back.”

“Why? So my mother can accuse me of being a ho?”

“Morgan, she didn’t say that-”

“She might as well have! I have a 4.9 GPA! Does she really think I would ruin that by doing something stupid?”

“She was just being a mom, Morgan. Moms worry.”

“Yeah, about the wrong things and the wrong people.” I stopped myself from saying anything else, and just fell into a kind of quiet silence. We passed a convenience store on our left, and a restaurant that was closing down for the night because the owner was a afraid of getting robbed after sunset. Everything was bright and florescent. No one else was walking around but us.

“Morgan, we should go back.” said Katrina suddenly, taking my hand.

“Let go of me, Katrina.” I said quietly.

“No.” She said as she squeezed it.

“I’m not a baby. Let go of me.” Didn’t she understand what I was starting to feel for her? Couldn’t she see that I couldn’t allow that to happen?

“You’re definitely not a baby, but I’m your friend. You know it’s not safe out here.”

I pulled my hand out of her grasp, before I said something I couldn‘t risk saying. “Fine. I’m going back.” We walked back in silence again. Katrina walked close to me. So close I could smell her Gucci Rush perfume. Even in the cold, the smell of jasmine and lavender coming off her body, mixed with the slightest smell of her perspiration was infuriatingly sexy. I walked faster to get away from the smell of her. I didn’t know how I would be able to share a car with her on the way to the club without it making me crazy. I stormed back in the house, and sat on my bed. When Katrina stuck her head in to check on me, I told her to leave me alone. “Just give me some space, alright?”

Katrina rubbed her fingers against my door, in hesitation, not making eye contact with me. “Alright.” She closed the door behind her.

I lay there, on my back in the dark, while I tried to get my head around what was happening. I knew I couldn’t allow it to happen. I could not fall in love with Katrina. I’d be hurting myself, and I’d only be hurting her in the long run. I decided then and there that I’d find some random cute girl at the club and dance with her. Anything to distract myself from what was going on. After all, maybe this wasn’t love at all. Maybe it was just the lack of sex that was making me feel that way. I knew I hadn’t been with anyone since Alice, and that was almost a month ago. I usually had sex at least once a week. I wrote off my desire as sexual frustration, and took a quick nap. When I woke up, Katrina was sitting there on my bed, looking at me.

“Hey.” I said, rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?”

“It’s time to go. I’ve already done my makeup and gotten dressed.” By the looks of her, she certainly had. Trina was wearing a strapless white and silver minidress, her hair was pulled up away from her face and styled in a French twist with little tendrils falling down to her shoulders. She was wearing a delicate necklace that reminded me of a spider web, ending right above her cleavage. I reached out a hand to touch it, but I snatched my hand back once I realized what I was doing.

“Nice necklace.” I muttered.

“Thank you. You can touch it if you want to. It’s silver.” She said, giving me a better look by moving a few locks of her hair out of the way.

“Uh, no. But thanks for offering. I better get ready.” I got out of bed and quickly grabbed a few articles of clothing from a suitcase, not caring what I was taking as long as I could get away from Katrina as soon as possible. It wasn’t until I went into the bathroom that I realized that I hadn’t grabbed any underwear. Mortified, I stalked back into my room, dug through my suitcase like a madwoman, and grabbed a pair. Once I was in the bathroom again, I realized I had also forgotten my bra. “Dammit!” I cursed before I could stop myself. When I put my hand on the doorknob to leave yet again, someone knocked on it.

“Forgetting something?” Katrina called out. When I opened the door, there she was, holding one of my bras in her hand. “I just picked one up randomly. I hope you don’t mind.”

I tried not to look at her cleavage when she handed it to me. “Thanks.”

“Why are you in such a rush? It’s only nine thirty.”

I frowned. “You said it was time to go.”

Katrina blushed and shrugged. “Sorry. I didn’t know the club was close by. I figured you would take your time getting dressed like you did yesterday.”

I sighed. “I guess we can go get something to eat before we get to the club. That would kill some time.”

“We just ate a few hours ago. Maybe we can pre-game at a cheaper bar nearby and then walk to the club.”

I looked at her sideways. ”I thought you said it was too dangerous to be walking around at this time of night?”

Katrina jumped. “The gay club is in your neighborhood?”

I laughed. “No! I just couldn’t resist scaring you. It’s about twenty minutes away from here.”

“I didn’t mean-”

I cut her off with a Donohue-like scoffing sound. “Whatever. I know this neighborhood is crap. I’m not offended.”

“Well, I’ll see you when you’re done.” She left the bathroom, and I finally changed my clothes. Luckily, the random outfit I grabbed, which was a throwback Chicago Bulls halter and some low-rise jeans, was decent enough. I paired it with some black heeled boots, and put on some dangly earrings. After hurriedly doing my makeup, I was done. Katrina was waiting for me in the living room, with her purse in hand, and her legs crossed, flicking her white heels back and forth in anxiety. “Are you ready to go?” She asked, standing up and slinging her matching white purse over her shoulder immediately.

“Yes. We can pregame at a lesbian club across the street.”

Katrina blinked. “Lesbian club?”

“Yes. There’s a lesbian club across the street from the gay club. It’s your regular dive bar. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before if you like The Hole.”

That seemed to make Katrina nervous. She bit her lip and started rubbing her arm. “Really?”

“Don’t worry. Everyone’s polite. If someone offers to buy you a drink, just say no. We’ll be there for a few beers, and then we’ll walk over to The Hit for dancing.” Katrina still looked uneasy. “Look, if it’s that big of a deal, there’s a straight bar up the road.”

“When am I gonna get over being a pussy?” she chuckled. “That’s fine. Let’s go.”

We took my car to Riverside, which had the largest concentration of gay clubs in Jacksonville. Riverside was a strange mix of artsy and gentrified. On the one hand, it was very upscale, what with retired and upper class people living in the centuries-old two story houses that lined it’s streets. But on the other hand, with funky restaurants and bars and clubs, it appeared to be almost liberal. At least on the surface. The Square D, the lesbian bar, was on the outskirts of Riverside by the highway in a seedy looking area. I wasn’t exactly shocked. Jacksonville was a strange city. Poor and rich sections were separated by mere streets, not miles of distance. Riverside was no exception. I parked my car, and Katrina got out and hurriedly ran to the door of the bar. I ran after her quickly. The bouncer was a woman who looked like a professional body builder. She couldn’t have been taller than 5’6 , but her muscles, rippling from underneath her long-sleeved muscle shirt, were intimidating by themselves. Her eyes, a strange steel blue seemed to glow in stark contrast to her nearly-brown tan. I could tell she didn’t take shit from anyone, and I couldn’t blame Katrina for freezing up when the bouncer asked her for ID.

“Sorry.” I said, apologizing as I retrieved my own ID, while secretly nudging Katrina to do the same. “This is her first time here.”

The bouncer fixed a gaze on Katrina, taking her in, but soon lost interest. I guess Katrina wasn’t her type for whatever reason. “It’s no different from any other club. People come here to have a good time. Have a good time, ladies.” She opened the large door behind her, and we walked in. Katrina immediately took my hand in hers, perhaps for courage, but there was really nothing to be nervous about. All eyes were not on us when we entered the bar. There were little cliques and groups of women shooting pool, occupying places at the bar, or lounging around tables. The Square D was pretty small. Everything was jammed together, and the dance floor was about twenty feet square, barely enough for a handful of couples to dance on. I went over to the bar and grabbed a chair. Katrina followed suit.

The bartender, a rough and tumble looking lady who looked like she rode a Harley and chewed tobacco came over to us immediately. “What would you like?” She asked, a bit warily.

“Two light beers for the both of us.” I said. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Katrina was looking at a pool player who happened to be a fashionable butch. Or at least fashionable for 1959. I nudged Katrina to get her attention before the pool player could find out she was being stared at. “I’d kill for that jacket.” I told her, pointing out the only thing I liked about the vintage tuxedo ensemble. “I could take or leave everything else.”

“Do people actually dress like that?” She asked, still transfixed.

“Quit staring. Of course not. But she’s got balls. I’ll give her that.”

“Is she…butch?”

“Well, yeah. She’s got short hair, and she’s wearing a suit. She’s a very classy butch. She probably believes in old school chivalry, holding doors for femmes and stuff like that. That’s weird.”

“What’s weird about chivalry? I like chivalry. It’s the only thing some men are good for.” She told me with a nudge and a wink. The bartender set our beers down in front of us.

“Do you want to start a tab?” Asked the barkeep.

“Yes.” She nodded and walked away. “Why are you always downing men? You are straight, you know.”

Katrina chuckled at that after taking a long swig of her beer. “I’m surprised you don’t bash men every now and then. Lesbians do have a reputation for that, you know.”

I shrugged. “Guys are alright. I just don’t want to sleep with them. I don’t personally hate anyone.” Which was technically a lie. I hated one man very much, and I was fully aware of that, but I knew better than to cast all men in the same light. It just wouldn’t be fair to do something like that.

“You’re not missing anything. Trust me on that.” Katrina took several more sips of her beer, but I suddenly didn’t feel like drinking. What was going on with her? She seemed different. I expected her to be freaking out, but she was as relaxed and casual as always. I was the tense one. I secretly wondered if there was anyone checking me out, but after scanning both ends of the bar, I didn’t see anyone looking my way. I felt moderately disappointed, and took a swig of my beer.

“Hey.” A woman got in between me and Katrina. I could tell she was a soft butch, judging by her short blonde hair. Unfortunately, she wasn’t talking to me.

“Hi.” said Katrina, shortly, not looking at the woman.

“Is this your first time here?” She asked, sizing her up.

“Yes.” said Katrina, with another short reply, and a swig of her beer.

The woman chuckled. “Okay, Ice Queen. I get it.” She ordered a beer from the bar, and walked away.

Katrina sighed, and shot me a look. “Wow. You weren’t kidding. But at least she was respectful.”

“I’m a bit jealous, you know. I’m actually gay, and no one’s approached me yet.”

“You want to go home with someone?”

“No. It’s an ego thing more than anything else. It makes me feel…wanted, I guess.” I drained my beer, and ordered two more.

Katrina quickly scanned the bar. “I wouldn’t worry about being wanted by anyone here. I don’t see anyone here on your level anyway.”

I chuckled. “You’re a good friend, Trina.”

Katrina raised her beer bottle. “I’ll drink to that.”

We drank our beer pretty peacefully after that. No one offered to buy us anything, and after beer number five, I decided it was time to go. “Things should be heating up over at The Hit.” I told Katrina, once the lesbian bar started to get particularly overcrowded.

“Really? You don’t want to dance here first?” She asked. The DJ started playing “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. “I love Christina!”

“I always pegged you as a Britney fan.” I said with a snicker.

Katrina pouted. “Do you want to dance or not?” I got up, and Katrina took my hand, and we started dancing on the dance floor. It was more awkward than the last time we danced together, since the dance floor was already small. I had to keep in mind where my feet were going at all times to avoid bumping a couple, or bumping Katrina. On the second verse, Katrina pulled me close to whisper, “I don’t bite you know. We could dance closer.”

“That’s not a good idea…” I muttered.

“Scared?” She asked, slowly putting her wrists on either side of my neck. Not one to run away from a challenge, especially when buzzed, I placed my hands loosely on her hips. “Now what is so bad about dancing with a friend?” She asked, whispering in my ear again.

“You’re just dancing close to me like this so no one will hit on you.” I muttered.

“I’m dancing with you like this because I like dancing with you.” she whispered back.

Just then “Whenever, Wherever” came on, and I took the opportunity to distance myself from Katrina. “We should get going.”

“But I love this song!” She protested, shaking her wide hips to the latin drum beat. That girl could move and I definitely noticed. Katrina seemed like she was born to dance, shaking her hips like she knew every drum beat by heart. She spun me around and held me loosely in her arms. “Relax. Tonight is all about having fun.” When I moved stiffly against her, she laughed at me, pulling me closer. “It’s just me. What am I gonna do? Bite?” I chuckled at that, but I couldn’t completely relax. Not the way she was moving. If it was anyone else, I’d be wild, grinding my ass against her…but this was Katrina. This was my best friend in the world, not my girlfriend, not a hookup. When the song ended, Katrina took my hand, and took me outside. “That was so much fun! On to the next one!” I led the way to The Hit, which was across the street. After paying a five dollar cover charge, we got our glow in the dark hand stamps and made our way to the main dance floor where techno was in heavy rotation. “Wow!” Katrina exclaimed over all the music. “This place is huge!”

I covered my ears from all the loud music. This was not my scene. I preferred a dance club that played remixed R&B and modern rock music, not trance. Not eight minute long songs that went on and on without hardly any singing in them. Somehow, Katrina got me and her on the floor anyway. We danced in a literal sea of churning, jumping, jostling people, rubbing up against anonymous women and men. Once my buzz started to wear off, I squeezed through the crowd and shouted at the bartender for a drink. I felt an arm around my waist and I jumped until I saw it was Katrina.

“You scared me!” I yelled, over the loud music.

“Sorry!” She told me with a laugh, moving her sweaty hair from her face. “Let me buy this round!”

“Alright.” I felt a little nervous about her holding me like that, but I figured she did it so she wouldn‘t lose me. There were people literally lining the walls in there, and even more were coming in, even though it was well past twelve o’clock. Katrina orders us a few dollar jello shots, and we throw them back quickly.

“I want to see a drag show. There’s supposed to be one coming up in a few minutes.” She whispered in my ear.

I took her to a small door which led to a smaller room. Inside was a small grouping of seats and a little stage in front of a small bar. A few people were already standing up towards the back of the room, instead of sitting down in the rows of chairs. “You might not want to sit down. If the MC is feeling herself, she’ll pick on you.”

“What?” laughed Katrina.

“She’ll make you stand up and ask you all your business. Trust me, knowing you you’ll either cry or blush.”

“Okay. We’ll stand up then.” She leaned up against a wall next to me, still having an arm around my waist. I tried not to think too much about it. In a few minutes, the MC came out dressed in a fabulous red sequined catsuit, and a flowing blonde wig that would put any diva to shame. She immediately scoped the audience for anyone young or bashful-looking, and proceeded to ask them personal questions, like how often they liked sucking dick, for example. Katrina’s mouth was wide open in shock, but thankfully she collected herself before the MC could spot her. “You weren’t joking.” she muttered into my ear.

“Damn, the baby dykes are out in full force!” She said, making a beeline for us. “So…tell me. How long have the two of you been partaking of pussy?”

I laughed so hard I couldn’t answer. Katrina managed to squeek, “I don’t have a cat.”

The MC paused and then whispered to me, “Does she expect me to believe her? She‘s here with you. She‘s here with…you. The blackest, baldest, most beautiful butch dyke I have seen in a long time.” I started to say ‘aw’ , despite the butch comment, until she added, “Who will probably fuck her with a strap-on the second you leave here.” Me and Katrina laughed and for some reason…Katrina held me closer. “Are you having a good night ladies?”

“Yes!” We said together.

“Good.” She moved on to someone else.

“Sorry about that.” I told Katrina once the MC was gone.

“That’s okay.” Katrina whispered back. “It was just a joke.”

We saw female impersonations of Pink, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and even one by an older queen of Whitney Houston. She wasn’t as popular as the other drag queens, but I made sure to give her as many dollar bills as I could.

I explained the tradition of tipping the drag queens when we were leaving. “It takes a lot of money to pay for their costumes. Most of the time the only way they get to look fabulous is when they’re on stage. The money helps.”

“Wow. They were all really good.” We were on the dance floor for another hour until I decided to leave early to beat traffic. Once we got to my mother’s house, we took turns taking a shower to get rid of that clubby smoke smell, and went to sleep.