Left to Lose

For some of us, the biggest fear is getting to a point of no return, hitting bottom, and having nothing left to lose. For me, that's what put me in a mental institution. That's why there are scars on my arms. That's why I'm sober and seeking out a better life. What those around me, or those out in the world may not understand is that I have nothing left to lose, so no risk is too great. No dream is too big anymore. The pain that has overtaken so much of what was beautiful inside of me, has left me with the knowledge that whatever may come, I have nothing left to lose. In that kind of honesty and desperation, I can find my true worth. And when I find it, I'll know exactly what I have to lose.

I just have to keep living. None of the shit around this life or in this life or the stuff with which we try to fill this life matters anymore. Its just me and my breath. So I wake up, keep breathing, and seek out my truest desires through painstaking soul-searching. It looks like I'm standing still, I'm sure. But I'm moving faster than ever before. That stuff, the job, the money, the paper, bullshit relationships, cocktail party friends, Coach purses, leather couches, its all just clutter for keeping me a sheep. I won't bah, bah, bah my way through life letting them tell me my path. I don't have time for that anymore. I'll do what's needed to survive, but I am no longer my status. I'm not going to get held down by the weight of the baggage. I stopped packing for guilt trips. This life, its all I have. And I went from wanting to destroy it to wanting to protect it more fiercely than a lioness over her cub. My life. Its totally worth fighting for and in the end, its all I have to lose.