Romantic Notions

Word Count 995

I crawled onto the ledge and we fell together on the rocky outcrop and rested.  “How much farther?” I asked.  Climbing wasn’t my thing.  I could manage some of the easier assents, but I was not the enthusiast Bryan was.  The first few trips I’d gone too, but I quickly saw I was out of my league.  He put up with all my complaining.  He put up with everything I dished out.  After those first few trips together, I’d elected to stay home.  I glanced over at him.  He looked as fresh as when we’d started.  I was covered in sweat and breathing harder than I should be.

He pulled out a water bottle.  “You need to drink,” he told me.

As long as we’d been married he’d never raised his voice, given any ultimatums, or denied me anything.  The most he ever said was he didn’t think it was a good idea.  That was his response when I informed him I’d be staying at home for this trip just like the others.  “Jeff called,” he’d added.  “I told him you were coming with me this time.”  He’d picked up the gear he’d already packed for me, brushing past me as he headed out to load the Explorer.  I’d closed my mouth and taken a shower.  By the time I was done he was in the car waiting.  I had no idea how he’d found out about the affair, but it was clear he knew.  He wasn’t going to leave me behind because Jeff, his best friend, would join me as soon as Bryan had driven out of the driveway. 

I claimed the bottle, popped the top and squirted some into my mouth.  “Bry,” I began.  “I know that you found out. . .,” 

He interrupted me, catching my hand and pulling me toward him.  “Dee, you know I love you.  It doesn’t matter what you did or what I found out.  I forgive you.  I’ll always forgive you, you know that.  Let’s not talk about it.”

I pulled my hand out of his wishing he’d scream or, hell I didn’t know, try to push me off the ledge, or something.  I knew from experience he wouldn’t argue.  I’d feel guilty and ashamed.  He’d be loving and sweet.  After a while, I’d stop feeling guilty and just feel irritated.  “What should we talk about then?”

“The cave is supposed to be beautiful.”

“I’m not a big fan of caves, Bry.”

“I know, but this one is special.  There’s a local legend.  I heard it the last time I was here.”  I remembered the trip.  I’d been at home, with Jeff.

I swigged another mouthful of water.  “What’s the legend?”

“There are these mushrooms that grow inside.  If you eat one, you change something in your life.  Kind of like a wish, I guess.  But it only works once.”

I swallowed one last time and handed the bottle back to Bryan.  “You don’t really believe that do you?”

“Come on.”  He stood up and held out a hand to me.  “Let’s go.”

I got climbing.  He came behind me, helping and supporting me.  His hands were warm and steady.  He deserves better than me, I thought.  “You don’t believe that story, right?”

“Actually, I do.  You remember Mike?”

I felt my whole body turn red.  “Yes,” I said.  I’d kept company with Mike before Jeff.

“The mushrooms cured his cancer.”

I stopped climbing.  “Mike had cancer?”

“He was on hospice.  I guess you didn’t keep up with him.”

Alright, he knew about Mike, too.  We finished the climb in silence.  All the way I thought about Bryan, me and the legend.

What if it was real?  What if I could change one thing?  We came to a narrow opening in a jumble of rock.  Bryan opened his pack and fished out a couple of flashlights.  He handed one to me and then led the way.  Inside, wet, glistening rock formations lay to the right and left of a thin trail that was lit with dim battery lights.

I trudged behind Bryan thinking.  He was every woman’s dream.  I wanted to love him, really.  He deserved so much better.
Several hundred yards in, he halted.  I peeked around him.  His light was focused on a forest of mushrooms growing in what looked like bat guano.

“Yuck, I don’t think I want to eat that.”

“I’m going to try.” 

He produced a pocket knife and cut off one.  Then he washed it with some of the water we’d brought.  He’s so in love with me, I thought.  I stuck my hand out.  “Fine, I’ll do it.  Just wash mine off really well.”  He rinsed the one in his hand again and then placed it in my palm.  He went through the whole ritual once more as I waited.

When he put the thing in his mouth, I bit into mine.  I want to love him like he deserves.  I want to feel all the things I should feel for him, I thought.  I chewed.  The taste wasn’t bad, sort of earthy.  When I looked up, Bryan was chewing too.  I opened my mouth to tell him nothing had changed, when a rush of emotion hit me.  The planes of his face burned into my memory and I noticed things I hadn’t before.  There were tiny wrinkles around his eyes from laughing and an endearing cleft in his chin.  “It’s working!”  I stepped toward him and touched his cheek.  “I’ve been so terrible to you, Bry.  You really love me and I didn’t understand.  But I do now.  You’ll see.  Everything will be different.  I love you so much.”

He caught my hand and squeezed it.  “Dee, I knew you didn’t love me.  I knew I should give you a divorce and let you move on, but I didn’t have the strength to do it.  I loved you too much.”  He looked away and I realized something was wrong.  “Deirdre,” he began, his eyes full of pity.  “I’m so sorry, but I don’t love you anymore.”