How to Get a Friend

         "Hey, Shannon," I greeted as I sat down beside her. She gave me a weird look. Unfair! I'm a likable person. Everyone likes me! Really, how could they not? I'm funny, smart, and make a pretty mean PB&J sandwich. I know Shannon's all deep and serious, but I am AWESOME.

         I smiled at her. She looked kind of creeped out. Do you think I'm creepy? No, of course you don't, weird voice in my head!

         "You want some chocolate?" I offered her.

         "No."

         Darn. I thought that would do the trick. Oooh! I know. I'll sing the puffy Scooby-Doo song. It goes to the tune of the Adaams family theme song!

         "He's puffy and he's fluffy, he's really, really fluffy. He's puffy and he's fluffy, he's puffy Scooby-Doo!" I sang. "Come on, Shannon, harmonize with me!"

         "No." she scooted a few inches farther away from me. Drat. Why doesn't she like me? Most people would agree that Jamie Johnson is an exceedingly talented singer. Who could ever forget 'Beans of Lima', as performed in Health class? I'm going into backup mode now.

         "You want to hear a joke?" I asked. "Don't answer that. Of course you do. What do you call an overweight elephant?" I waited for her to answer. This was it. She would accept me into her inner circle, and we'd be best friends, and she would sleep over at my house, and then we'd have a double wedding, and live next to each other for the rest of our lives!

         She sighed and turned to look at me. "I don't know, Jamie. What do you call an overweight elephant?"

         I grinned. "Ele-fat!" I fell out of my seat in peals of laughter. About ten minutes later, I stopped and realized she was not.

         "Jamie," she said calmly, devoid of emotion. "I will be your 'friend' if you swear never to come within thirty feet of me again."

         "Deal!" I cheered. I had finally won Shannon over!