Memoirs of a Magi

Memoirs of a Magi
By…._______________ (insert current name)
Many people today think not much on the way things use to be before their arrival via birth.  The average ‘modern’ man’s lifespan is a quick 80 years, if lucky.  If not cut short by disease, war, accident, fate, or stupidity.  Most will squander their time on pettiness, selfishness, greed, power mongering, or love.
My birth given name has long since escaped me.  As being nearly immortal, I change it to keep my identity a disguise.  After all, we magi cannot just roam around freely like we once did, practicing our arts in the open, healing the sick, performing deeds beyond mortal man’s abilities.  No, in today’s world one merely goes to a clinic, hand them an ‘hmo’ card or something like that and pay a little coin, which now I must confess my appreciation is now printed on paper, stick out a tongue, get a scrip for the local apothecary, err I believe they are called pharmacys or something similar.  Pay more coin, err moneys, and wait a small time and collect their herbal remedies….go home and swallow them then wait some more.

All this time spent waiting.  Wasted in my opinion.  But I digress, names…yes… let me see what was I recently called by some young lad.
Codger…yes.  Grumpy old codger I believe.  So I guess I’ll use that for now.  G. Codger.
My name, and probably my last that I’ll ever use, is G. Codger.  Altho, I find some of the former names to have carried a scoush more honorarium.  But, none the less, the times are forever more changing.
I have lived more lifetimes than I can honestly remember.  Memories have blurred and blended together.  What happened to the prince or ruler I once acted as an advisor too seems like a baker assistant the next.  Funny how the material mind tends to be ‘cluttered’ up when you fill it beyond capacity over and over again.
However, I suppose had one to put an actual time on it, which I believe I did some 3 or 500 years ago, I have probably lived a little over 5000 years…err give or take a few hundred years for error.  The history records people keep today pale in comparison to the ones kept at say Alexandria.  But then it was scholars and priests in charge of keeping together the written accounts of everything.  Today it’s called a bog, bug, burg, something on twatter or something like that. 
I believe I’ve gotten too old and beyond even my magical years to keep up with everything mankind is doing.  Everything seems to be fast paced.  As if they are conscientiously aware of their short lives and are somehow trying to cram in more ‘life’ experiences.  Pity really.  Quantity over quality.  But then this doesn’t say much coming from one who’s seen the rise and fall of empires, countries and nations.  Seen whole civilizations rise and become extinct in but a wink of my eye.  People long forgotten and lost in the annuals of time.
Such is the way of the Magi, or ‘Those gifted by the gods’.  Gods….pfftt.. flirty and quirky lot that bunch.  Greek gods, roman gods, pagan gods, Christian, muslim, buddist, Taoist.  All of them… more flippant than the cats that were once worshipped.  Silly really if you ask me.  And people have you know.  But look at me, rambling and not even thru the first page of this tribute to my life.  To all that I’ve seen, done and otherwise mucked thru in my expansive years here.
Magi.  What is a Magi?  Prolly a fine place to start as anywhere.  We are a special group of people.  Oh sure we look, smell, and taste like human.  But we are far removed from it.  Some have said we were man’s keepers and advisors.  But do I look like a zoo keeper?  Gods help me no.  I am one of the last.  Actually, come to think about it…. I am the last one.  Matthew, I believe was his name last go around, he was in charge of the Arcanum Press.  A centennial paper sent out to all the Magi…err at least the surviving members.  Anyhow, when I didn’t receive my 1800 a.d. copy, I wrote to him asking if something were amiss.  Frankly Matthew couldn’t spell worth a damn here lately.  I was always writing him back informing him of his grammatical mistakes and such and just figured he’d gotten fed up with me and decided to withhold my copy.  But I later learned in….uhhh…. when was it probably?  1950 or so, when I used a telephone to contact him.  Only to find out he’d died around oh, 1820 or so.
So, hence forth why I am the last.  I tried contacting the local Magi Collegiate only to find that the building it used last was torn down in 1815.  Go figure that one.
Using my ‘magical’ abilities, I weaved a spell to seek out any living magi energies around me.  After a few months of getting nothing, I poured more energy into the spell and still got nothing.  Therefore, it must only mean that I am the last living magi left in the world.  If not, good on you for hiding yourself from my spell.
Depressing you think?  Some years it was, others not so much.  It felt...liberating.  Knowing that I could do whatever I wanted and not worry about answering for it to anyone.  I think I spent a few decades weaving some practical jokes.  It started with my next door neighbor, Bob.  He’s a bit of a grump and has a rather mean streak to him.  I remember one day, oh, several years ago he opened his heating bill and nearly had a stroke right there.  I opened mine and smiled…$4.67.  It pays to know a few things about thermodynamics and the geomagnetic energies that the building I reside in sits right atop.  Anyway, his bill was something towards a few hundred and he actually snatched mine and then proceeded to accuse me of somehow stealing his electricity causing his bill to be high and mine nearly non existant.
Preposterous! I announced and nearly incinerated him on the spot with a fireball.  But, if one thing age and wisdom has taught me…you don’t hurl a fireball the equivalent of an automobile in the confines of a hallway.  Bad things tend to happen.  Anyway, where was I…ah yes Bob.  Well from that day on, I made sure Bob’ newspaper was stuck to the floor with a pleasant smelling concoction called ‘bubble gum’.
Wonderful stuff that is.  I wish I could take credit for its discovery…but I honestly can’t remember if I invented it or not?  Most of the world’s greatest achievements and discoveries come from the Magi.  Not all mind you.  There are a few gifted humans out there with the forethought and open mind to lend to discovery.  But not so much lately.  This thing called Technology….wretched name… is merely the clever combining of magical properties between physical objects and energies.  Anyway, back to Bob.  So after repeatedly having his paper glued to the floor, Bob called and complained enough to get his service with the paper company terminated.  Much to my dismay, I rather enjoyed turning invisible at 5 am in the mornings and sticking that wad of gum to his paper.  I love to chew that fruity concoction!
Anywho, the Magi Colligate would not have approved and probably forced me to adhere to a non-mischieveum clause or some rubbish.  But the glee of being the last was just too much temptation.

Bob was found dead in his recliner some time later.  His television set was tuned to some program called Judge Judy I believe.  I watched one of them once….didn’t care all that much for it.
So, with me being the last, why bother writing this memoir?  Well I figured the reason being is that somewhere down the line, some other person…a Magi, might be born and stumble upon this tome and find it of some use.
So now that I’ve went over some basics of the Magi.  I guess magic is next.  Magic is hard to explain.  If you truly are Magi, there’s nothing really to tell or bother writing down.  It’ll all seem like gibberish anyway.  I’ll just leave magic at the knowledge and subsequent manipulation of the inner-workings of everything.  Nuff said.

Let’s see.  I guess a memoir really is about recording memories.  Specific memories that define who I am.  Well that’s a real bender isn’t it, considering my entire being is made up of 5000 years of memories and experiences.
Earliest memory that I can recall would have to be the first time I used my magic.  I wrote it down ‘my’ magic because every magi’s magic is unique to them.  Sure we all can cast a rain spell.  For some it’s large drops of water, others would be tiny pelting rain, for others a deluge reminiscent of the falls of Avalon only found on Atlantis.  Point is the magic is specific to the magi casting it.  Looks the same but feels uniquely different.  Anyway, forward we must go. 
I was a young lad, maybe 15 summers old, and was gathering food in the forest when a rather large bear at the time happened upon me.  We startled each other in our foraging, and while the bear reacted naturally, by roaring and charging at me, I did likewise by fleeing.  As I ran, the bear was gaining upon me.  I can recall the limbs and briars impeding my escape until I finally tripped over a moss covered root.  As I lay there trying desperately to free my foot from the gnarled root, the bear rose up on its hind legs and roared furiously.  I was filled with a surge of panic and a strange sense of strength.  As I called out in my native tongue a strange feeling surged from within the core of my being and engulfed the bear.  He immediately dropped down to all fours and looked upon me strangely…tilting his head to one side.  I opened one eye, having them both shut tight against my impending demise, and saw the bear was pulling my foot free with his mouth, gently as if I were its cub. 
Afterwards I lay there and the bear bobbed its head and wandered off.  I proceeded to throw my guts up.
Days later, a magi found me in my village and had heard of my tale with the bear and took me into the forest.  A test as it were, to see if I were ‘magi material’.  Good thing I was, for evil magi do not exist.  They are slain before they can harm anyone or develop great power. 

From here it’s a muddled mess of memories.  I probably could not put any sense to it myself.  Let alone put it down on paper for someone to interpret.  Needless to say, my power grew as did my wisdom in the arts of all things arcane.
I spent the better part of the first 1000 years of my magi life helping those around me.  Improving the miserable lives of mortals by healing, fertilizing crops with rain and such.  Or repelling attacks by creatures long since extinct as well as bandits and the scourges of society.
One particular attack I recall at this time, was a small fishing village beset by pirate raiders.  Nothing glorified as Blackbeard or Captain Hook.  Just a bunch of scullery fools in boats that would land in the night and steal and pillage the poor folks of that town.  I offered my services and took up a watch on the shore from a little lean-to hut, posing as a decrepit fisherman. 
The boats approached and I sprang my spell I had been preparing for several hours.  I had wove a beautiful and intricate spell full of energy.  Taking in the sea air, the sandy beach, everything natural about the scene and turning it into a force of nature.  The minute the pirate got within scuttling range, I let loose my spell.  Ah the grandeur of it !  Nothing like a well laid plan.  The sea rose up like a fierce wall and flipped the boats over, dumping the hapless brigands into the briny waters.  There were no rocks on which to batter them to pieces, so instead I had the wave carry them out to sea for the sharks and other aquatic life meet out the punishment.  The cheers of the town were music.  Too bad my calculations were somewhat flawed.  The mini-tsunami I created eventually returned and flooded the village fields with salt water, causing a horrible famine that year.  But luckily the rains from another spell took care of that little oversight.  Hence my first lesson of the magi from the collegiate.  ALWAYS check your work.
Several other ‘gross’ oversights happened in my budding career as a ‘spell slinger’ as I was dubbed by some of the more ‘unfortunate’ souls caught in the wake of my abilities.  Ahem.  A rather messy outcome with a fireball intended to turn back a hoard of forest bandits in the wilds of Russia.  I never thought I’d live THAT one down.  But then in all fairness, who gives a snowy haired old man a small flake of uranium in exchange for a pound of gold.  Which I turned from not lead but a loaf of bread!  Ha, thumb my nose up at you Aliester Bottomwell !
Anywho…where was I?  Ah yes, the budding career.  Several mishaps are a natural part of learning.  Remember what I said about cutting one’s life short by accident or ‘stupidity’…well…magi suffer from that as well.  Take one of my classmates, we’ll just call him Bill.  Bill was the unlucky sot to play with lightning magic.  He had a nice talent for it.  Loved to shock the local girls bottoms.  Until their betrothed found out and nearly pummeled him to death.  Poor fellow wore a permanent black eye it seemed.  Should’ve called him Raccoon Bill for that matter.  But ultimately he learned the lesson most of us figure out early on.  Lightning kills indiscriminately.  The formulas required to manipulate the raw and massive amounts of energy in a single stroke of lightning are nothing short of Einsteinian.  Oh sure any magi could fumble thru making lighting strike twice….but why do it anyway?!  Bill wanted to win a wager, and a date with Ezmerelda, by proving that he could make lightning hit a spot no less than 10 times.
Surely you, the lay person can see the folly already.  Well needless to say, LOVE, gag, drove Bill to perform…and thus after the 6th stroke, the buildup of particles around the area grew in proportion and upon the 7th strike, a rather large detonation of superheated air occurred and literally disintegrated poor Bill into nothing but dust particles and more or less created the Gobi Desert.  Again, he did not calculate the build up after each strike.  Folly I say, folly kills more so than dumb luck.
After my Collegiate training, which by the by is not something that can EVER be written about, went smoothly enough.  Graduated middle of my class…not from lack of intelligence but motivation.  I was always bored by the midterm and looking to next year’s lesson.  I loved the higher arts.  Ones of changing matter or energy.  Creating things from nothing.  Pulling down the stars essence themselves to create.  Oh sure I had fun with devastation and destruction too, don’t get me wrong we magi like to kick up our heels too.  For example our professor thought it would be a great learning opportunity to make Pompeii into an example of how people should learn to listen to those far wiser than themselves.  However, they were a stubborn lot and well, as you can read for yourself…that ended rather poorly.
I suppose at this juncture I should point out that we Magi do not regard life quite the same as normal men and women would.  No sir.  If you were faced for a moment with certain immortality, that everything you like or dislike, were no more than a temporary state of mind, then you too would cease to put so much emotional stock in those things.  Including people and relationships.  However, we are human, mostly, and have feelings and emotions.  Our hearts can become broken as well as swell with pride, love and lust for the opposite sex…or same as some may fancy.  By the way that’s where the Romans and Greek’s downfall originated.
Staying on track tho, we do fall in love.  Now some are probably wondering do we procreate and have lil magi babies.  Well that’s interesting enough.  Truly the answer is simple.  It’s nothing to do with genetics, but pure luck of the draw.  Two Magi parents could produce 1000 offspring and NEVER have one with an ounce of magi power.  Even we, and the collegiate, have no idea how it is we come to have these powers.  Several courses were offered in the hopes that we could discover the nature of the magi’s origins and come to refine it.  Alas some things must and forever remain an unanswered mystery.
But enough on that…for now.  Let’s see what might be exciting and entertaining…hmm.  Oh I know, other magi and their ‘feats’ of wonders recorded thorough out history.  Moses and the parting of the Red Sea.  Yes a magi, but not to help his friends escape the pharoh’s soldiers but instead his nephew was fishing and lost a rather valuable locket and so he helped out.  Just so happened those people were running and he got mixed up in with them. 
San Francisco earthquake around 1920 was not ‘natural’ but instead a mishap with someone who’ll remain nameless, trying to prove that the tectonics of the region were unstable.  It was meant to be a light ‘tremor’ but erupted into…well… history.
The asteroid hit just off the Yucatan peninsula.  Someone thought it would be best to move that big space rock into the path of another, smaller one that was slated to hit here, 1000 years later I might add, giving them PLENTY of time to further research the issue and find a better solution.  Instead they wanted to move the rock in the path to absorb this littler one (which they just KNEW would hit and ruin their crop of rhubarbs).  As a result they pulled the asteroid a little too hard and a rather LARGE chunk broke away, again failure to calculate the gravitational forces responsible for tearing said rock into pieces, and subsequently the result was that big ‘dimple’ clearly visible from above.  It’s really beyond me how much effort they spent trying to make that look like it hit during the dinosaur era.  Pffft.
Let’s see, what else could’ve been noticed, AH the face on Ares…err Mars I believe it’s commonly known today. Another practical joke, but by me this time.  There was some contention that the planet’s surface was too ‘messy’ and therefore ugly.  So I gave it a new one.  Much to the displeasure of a certain lady.  But let’s not jump the gun on that subject.

I guess all in all, just about any catastrophe could be the result of a magi’s failure in some calculation…or it seemed like a good joke at the time.  However, there are other instances where the magi have not been the cause of loss of life but the saving of life.  Atlantis for example.  History has been wiped out and replaced with legend.  Why is that?  Every legend has a shred of truth and I can tell you truthfully Atlantis was once the pinnacle of human kind.  Until nature decided to change her looks.  Several magi were aware of its upcoming destruction and after it was determined nothing could be done…they coordinated the evacuation of everyone before the continent erupted and sank.  Without the help of the magi, the loss of life would’ve been near 800 million. 
The giant tornado that practically resurfaced the state of Kansas, but gave way to the Wizard of Oz.  Ever noticed how a giant tornado and a wizard and witchs end up in the same story?  Yeah.  Great spin-doctoring there.  A giant tornado actually did cause wide spread devastation.  But the cause was anything but natural.  A rather weasily fellow wizard by the name of Chang, not Chinese by the way, wanted to try and change the weather patterns to suite his upcoming vacation plans.  First mistake right there.  Rule one in wizarding, never fool with nature’s natural nature.  Basically he peed in nature’s front yard and she got good and miffed.  Chang was impeccable with his calculations.  Perfect to the 10,000 decimal.  Checked everything 100 times over and inserted variable after variable.  It’d been rumored he calculated the number of toilet tissues he used in the bathroom.  Regardless, Chang whipped up this spell he’d labored on for about a decade.  Flawless execution.  Spell went off without a hitch.  The weather patterns for the region began to shift and change just like he predicted.  Up until the point another magi began to perform a slightly similar spell, but for less selfish means.  The two spell results collided, and where as the ‘natural’ flows of energy and weather were working FOR the east coast magi…Chang lost....BIG time.  The two systems, supercharged with energy from the magi, collided and formed into a tornado that would cause ol’Fujitsu to poop in his kimono.  That supercell cut a swath across Kansas and did more destruction than previously seen in history.  Epic fail?  Not exactly.  Because the weather patterns were so severe in nature, it disrupted the natural flow of wind towards the pacific and THAT reaction kept a potentially hazardous tidal wave from washing off the west coast into the Pacific ocean.

Luck perhaps?  Maybe.  We magi never tend to dwell upon luck because it influences little in the way of magic.  Chaos perhaps.  But not luck.  The Chang F10 that ripped thru the Midwest got more attention, obviously, than the west coast non-event.  Chang was made out to be the bad guy while the east coast magi wasn’t even notified of his involvement.  Chang got fined 3000 gold pieces and had to spend the next 10 years helping in cleaning up the Midwest.
I suppose there is a dark side to magic that needs telling.  The Collegiate acts not only as instructors in all things magical, but also as a police in a way.  If a spell slinger goes berserk and starts flinging magic around willy nilly, well the Collegiate’s department of magical defense kicks in and hunts the rogue magi down and ‘handles’ the problem swiftly and quietly.  This is more like the legends of the men in black.  The CDMD swoops in like a dark raven and plucks the problem and whisks it away before any person is even aware that a problem even existed.  Dark times there were back in the ‘dark ages’ when magic was at its height.  There were almost as many magi as there were non-magicals and because of it, the balance tipped and was unhinged by some power hungry magi who wanted to rule the world, pfftt… preposterous notion to begin with, and the Collegiate put a stop to it.
Twas a bloody long set of years that bit of history.

The Dark Ages was kicked off by seven magi who’d formed a loose coalition called ‘The Brotherhood’.  They tried to gain power too quickly and without regard to the balance they would inherently upset along the way.  Small changes can still cause ripples powerful enough to set off a bomb.  However, subtle was not these fellows strong suites and thus BIG ripples set off the CDMD’s alarms and a battle of epic proportions ensued.  Magi was pitted against magi.  The CDMD enlisted over 5000 magi in the blink of an eye and conscripted …err…drafted I guess, another 10,000.  The Brotherhood had a little over 3000 members but were attracting the more rebellious and ‘free-thinking’ young magi.  Thus a war erupted and the loss of life was staggering.  The first shots were never noticed by normal folks.  The battles started with small environmental issues, small quakes, a plague of locust, etc.  Then erupted into a battle royal on a small island just off the coast of England known to magi as Paradox. 
Paradox was a small but lavish island with the softest winters and mildest summers.  Ahh how I remember that Eden so well.  It was created and built by the Collegiate back long before I was around.  It was sanctuary to all Magi everywhere.  Several of the older one’s would go to Paradox to end their long expansive lives there with the thoughts that their essential energys would flow back into the land from where they came….or some rubbish like that.  The food there is above a 5 star restaurant in New York and the rooms are more comfortable than any hotel.
Anyway, where was I.  Ah yes, Paradox lost.  The Collegiate service versus the Brotherhoods finest.  The inevitable result was spell slinging in battlefield fashion.  Only away from mortal eyes.  Paradox became a literal battleground for spellworks.  Magi against magi in the grandest fashions.  Some created armor that would make a tank cry and rushed into battle with weapons ablaze.  Some older more experienced mages conjured creatures beyond imagination.  Dark times descended after the dust finally settled.
Paradox was finally lost when the Collegiate felt the Brotherhood would take the fighting among mortals, those we are bound to protect and serve with our magic.  They gathered their oldest and wisest magi and wove a spell that literally cast the island and all on it into the farthest reaches of the universe.
To this day, every magi left here talk’s about the ‘island in the sky’ where probably to this day those fools are still trying to kill one another.  Regardless, after Paradox was lost, the Collegiate reformed it’s bylaws governing the remaining Magi and gave more liberties to the CDMD to keep history from repeating itself.  Dark times like I said.  Magic that was once used to help was now forbidden or so scrutinized that we that were trying to help were told to do nothing instead.
Sad really, when rainbows and unicorns once roamed frequently, now is sold as dolls and playthings.
Enough dreary history lessons.  What could we possibly have to fear now? Laughing as I realize that with no Collegiate or Brotherhood, I could whip up a hurricane that could level a continent and not fear being punished.  I could pull Mars closer so that the face I erected there would be more noticeable by mortal scientists looking to try and find life there.  Little do they know nobody’s been there in quite some time since the Collegiate tried to house a small repository there.  The dust is so fine it was getting thru the defenses and shielding and corroding several of the important papers and artifacts.  So the whole thing was moved. …to Titan I believe.  Either way, I could do ANYTHING and get away with it.
I believe that bears some more consideration on my part.  Perhaps to add to these memoirs before my time finally is up?