Reaching Out to You

The smile evaporated from my face as soon as I saw his.  Collin stood in my checkout line, waiting his turn.  My stomach clenched, the pain of his betrayal burning anew within me.  It had been a long time since I'd seen him.  Memories of the friendship we once shared raced through my mind.  For ten years, we had shared our lives.  He had been my best friend and I had trusted him.  This changed two years ago when he disappeared from my life.  I took a deep breath as he got closer. I wasn't sure what I was going to say.  May be he got into this line and didn't even see me.  How many people take the time to notice their cashier? 

"Hi Beth," he smiled at me uncertainly. 
"Hi," I forced a smile back.
"What time are you done?" he asked, his blue eyes anxious. 
" In an hour," I told him,trying not to look at him.  I was afraid he'd see the pain I was in just seeing him. 
"Are you free after? Could I pick you up? I really want to talk to you." 
"I'm free. See you in an hour," I answered. 
"Okay," I watched him leave. 

The next hour passed with an excruciating slowness.  Questions swirled in my head as I worked.  Why now?  Collin hadn't called in so long.  He hadn't made an effort to salvage our tenuous friendship in the last months of its existence.  I had begun to accept he didn't care anymore.  Seeing him today had reopened that pain as if it were new again.  I wanted so badly to rekindle our friendship, but would he just hurt me all over again?  This last absence hadn't been his first, he had abandoned me before and I had forgiven him.  Was it time to just tell him I didn't want his friendship?  I missed him though.  Collin was my best friend and I told him everything.  I shared so much more of myself with him than I did with anyone else.  I knew I would probably never be able to trust him like that again.  Since we stopped being friends, I couldn't bring myself to trust anyone like that.  I decided I would at least listen to him.  He didn't deserve it, but I wasn't the type of person to hold a grudge.  This was part of the problem.  I don't believe in staying mad at someone for their mistakes.  Life is too short to be angry all of the time. 

"Hope you weren't waiting long," I said as I met him outside. 
"No. I just got here," he explained as he lead the way to his car. 
"You didn't go all the way home did you?" I asked, knowing he lived on the other side of town.
"Nah,I went to the book store. Did you see Stephen King has a new one out?  It's called 11/22/63,"  of course he went to the book store. He read just as much as I did. This was one of the many qualities I loved about him. He also read Stephen King, who is my favorite author. 
"I am waiting patiently to be able to afford it," I told him smiling, unable to help myself.
"So how long have you been here?"  He asked, gesturing to the store front as we passed it.
"A couple of months."  I replied. 
"Do you like it?"  He inquired,as he unlocked his car door.
"I really do," I affirmed getting in. 
"Would it be alright if we went back to your house?" He queried as he started the car.
"Sure," I knew he lived with his father. At my house, we would have the privacy necessary to talk.

We drove back to my house listening to the radio, but not really talking.  As he drove, I thought.  I was pretty sure this all started when he and I began working together.  That job was one of the worst I'd ever worked.  I was a manager and stressed out all the time.  At first, Collin was a god-send.  As time passed, he became less and less dependable.  Part of it was his problems with his back.  Most of it was he was addicted to the pain pills he took for his back.  This addiction had caused rifts in our friendship before.  He had been battling it since we first met over a decade ago. 

"Can I get you a soda?" I offered as we made ourselves comfortable in my living room.
"Thanks." 
"All right we're here and I think you said you wanted to talk. I want to listen so the floor is yours."  I expressed.
He sighed and paused a moment, collecting his thoughts. 
"Beth, I know I don't deserve to have the chance to explain myself to you. You've given me so much over the years and I took it for granted. You were always a loyal friend, always there for me when I needed you. I know I can't say the same. When you needed me, I turned my back on you every time. I know I have no right to ask your forgiveness. I've been selfish and part of that was the drugs. I know that's no excuse," he paused. His eyes met mine as he waited for me to say something. 
"I trusted you more than anyone and you took that trust and threw it away like it meant nothing to you,"  my voice cracked and I knew it wouldn't be long before I would cry. 
Collin drew a shaky breath. 
"I know I've hurt you and I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for that. You didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated you. You cared and told me when I was getting out of hand and I just didn't want to hear it. I thought I had everything under control."  He explained.
"And now?" I demanded.
"I've been clean for six months. No more pills ever. I have lost so much because of them. You were the one person I regretted losing most. Once I was sure I was ready, I came to see you.  I realize we could never be friends like we were but I want to be part of your life again."  He pleaded.
"I want to believe you so badly because I could really use a friend right now, but I can't allow you to hurt me again. It will be a very long time before I trust you again if at all.  I am glad to hear that you've been clean for six months, but that isn't a very long time.  You've tried to quit before, why is it different this time?" I queried, still not meeting his eye.
"I hate who I've become. I hate that I have hurt every person who ever cared about me. I just didn't want to be in pain anymore. Every waking moment was an exercise in agony, but I would rather deal with that pain than the misery of what I've done to you and all the other people I  hurt," he began to cry. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but I kept my distance. 
"I can't imagine how hard it is to be in constant pain for so long. I know I've had back problems and they were minuscule compared to yours. I had a hard time dealing with it for the brief time I did. I can understand the desire to make the pain go away, but it wasn't just the physical pain you were medicating was it?" I looked at him for the first time. Collin's blue eyes were red and tear filled. I reached over and took his hand. 
"No I guess it wasn't. It was everything. I just didn't know how to deal with any of it and the pills helped me forget for awhile," he sighed.
"I tried so hard to be a friend to you Collin, but you would never tell me what was wrong. It was like you never trusted me. I wanted to help, but I didn't want to push you," I asserted.
"I felt so helpless. I felt like there was nothing or no one who could help me fix everything that was going wrong in my life. I would try to think of solutions to my problems, but there were so many, I didn't know where to begin. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't see a solution to the problems I had and I didn't think anyone else could either. After all it was my life, I should be able to rise up and live it as it were," he smiled sadly.  I was surprised at the Terry Goodkind reference.  The Sword of Truth series my second favorite book series ever after the Dark Tower books by Stephen King. I hadn't expected Collin to have read them. Part of me wondered if he was just trying to get on my good side. 
"They were great books. I told you they were. I think you're just trying to sweeten me up so I won't stay mad at you," I fought back a grin.
"Is it working?" he smiled sheepishly. Collin knew me too well. He knew I wouldn't stay mad at him. I tried somewhat successfully to rein in my enthusiasm. 
"I should know better than to allow you into my life again. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment," I sighed and a tear slid down my cheek. He would hurt me again and come back to ask forgiveness and I would always forgive him. I would trust him again and he would betray it but I wasn't strong enough to say no. We had so many memories together, a history. Repetitive though it may be, it was ours. 
He gently lifted my chin so my eyes met his. 

"I promise I am never going to hurt you again. I will be the loyal friend you always were to me. I know it will be a long time before you fully believe me again. I am so very thankful for your friendship Beth and I mean to prove it," Collin looked into my eyes as he said this. I could see he meant it. 
"Thank you Collin. It means the world to me to hear you say those words. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear them. They mean more coming from you. I promise to give you a chance to try again. I can't promise to trust you again because that will take time. I know it took courage to come see me today and I'm so happy you did."  I gave his hand a squeeze.
"Me too Beth. Thank you for listening to me."
"I'll always listen. After all, that's what friends are for."