The Secret Journey

The Secret Journey

Tuesday, July 24th - First Day Without Food  I believe that there is a power within that allows us to create the life of our dreams; some 'Universal Mind' that serves as spiritual source one can tap into for enlightenment and foresight. I also believe that there are certain universal laws at play, like the Law of Attraction and Karmic Resolutions.

  I believe all of these things. I am just having a hard time applying these principles to my life because I struggle with the belief that I deserve a life filled with abundance, prosperity, accomplishment, and love. And because every time I believe something good is going to happen, shit always happens that has nothing to do at all with anything GOOD!

  My electricity was cut off this morning so I am, now, fighting fear and anxiety about the coming fall of night and I will have to empty out my refrigerator before the food spoils. The University I attend just called to say that I am missing a college transcript required for me to enroll in the upcoming semester, which is less than a month away. Well, I don't have the money to order another transcript so I might as well resign myself to the fact that I will not be able to attend school this semester, AND I will not be able to receive my Financial Aid, my total income since going back to school.

  I want to scream obscenities, rant and rave to the Universe the 'why me's' that have so often fallen from my lips but I refuse, this time. I need to focus my energies on positive things and productivity to find a way to a better life because, truly, I am no help to anyone if I am continually rolling in mire, misery, and discontent my damn self!

  Most of my family lives thousands of miles away and there is not enough closeness in our relationships for me to feel comfortable in asking for help. And a younger brother who lives about three minutes down the street from me, who happens to be one of the reasons I relocated from a metropolitan of over a million people to 'smallville' Ohio, suddenly stopped visiting and calling. So, I really am in this alone.

  This is my secret journey into the spiritual side of me.

  Is there power untapped power inside me waiting for me to acknowledge and utilize, or am I truly as pathethic as my family has labeled me?

Wednesday, July 25th - Second Day Without Food
  Woke up this morning drenched in sweat and the thermometer inside my apartment is reading ninety degrees. The night before was harrowing. I do not like the dark and my tiny candle was of little help. Darkness, to me, consists of shadows, strange sounds, perceived movements, and it is a time when my mind goes virile and I think my head is going to explode! And I only have more of these horrid type of nights to look forward to because there is no money available to pay the electricity bill.

  Maybe a hike to the University will calm my nerves, which takes about ninety minutes both ways. A sighting of a woodchuck, hawk, or fawn would be soothing.

Thursday, July 26th

  Last night, I woke up startled and drenched in sweat, again, but this time it wasn't from the outside heat but because of a man!
 
  Though I am in my 6th year of self-imposed celibacy, I am not dead and buried so I shouldn't be surprised that I can still become aroused sexually. But the intensity of this sexual encounter was powerful enough to bring me to orgasm!

  Before I lost my electricity, I happened upon a television performance by a well-known Country Music singer whose music I've enjoyed in the past but was never really drawn to sexually. But as I watched him, I began to see him as extremely sexy and he is the one I have been turning to for safety, security, and SEX at night. I think about him during the day, at times, but the real fantasy begins at night when he is pounding into me with the frenzy akin to a wild animal. It's as if he can't get deep enough inside me and the only thing that will bring him satisfaction is to piston away at me until our pelvises are nothing but a blur of motion. Wow! These sessions always wake me up, sweat running from every pore, with my heart beating wildly.

  This secret is very erotic and helps me to relax and that is why I think my mind brings him to me: for comfort and to assuage the feeling of not being totally alone.

  And I am grateful for that.

Friday, July 27th  This is my fourth day without food but I am staying hydrated with water and cold, green tea, so I am still in this game.

  My candle burned out last night, bringing on even more of a battle with my fear of darkness, and the temperature in my apartment is hovering around ninety-five degrees. At one point, I prayed for God/Higher Power/Inner Spirit, or whomever, to take my life because existing like this is no way for one to live. I prayed that my life be taken or a reason be revealed to me as to why I am being allowed to go through this HELL I am going through.

  Well, no angels sang, no visions appeared, and no giant hand suddenly appeared out of the sky for me to grasp onto, but I am still here and I woke the next morning with a strong sense of resolve.

  I've lost ten pounds since this journey began, down from one hundred sixty five to one hundred fifty-five, so I guess I should thank the Universe for that, though it is probably from the awful heat at night.
And thank you, secret lover, for providing me with the highly erotic, sweaty, passion-soaked sexual sessions you bring me each night.

Saturday, July 28th  Going on my fifth day without food and am still staying hydrated, though my lips seem to stay parched.

  I have created my "Basket of Dreams", in which I am filing away all that I dare dream about receiving from the Universe: pictures, dreams, points of visualizations, prayers and affirmations. Nothing has physically manifested in my life as yet, seemingly, but I believe that this journey I am on is significant and has been allowed to exist to show me how to tap into my Higher Power , how to stay tapped in, and is here to give me affirmation that I am worthy, deserving, and have the ability to create the life that I have desired for so very long.

Sunday, July 29th  This is my sixth day without eating and I am amazed at my fortitude. I could easily walk three minutes down the street and beg for food at my brother's table, but I refuse to do it because my brother has made the decision to cut off communication with me and I will abide by that.
 
  But it is not an easy decision to make. I can smell barbecue on a grill; someone is frying chicken for Sunday dinner; and I see people disembarking from their cars holding bags laden with all types of things from various eateries.
Yes, I am hungry but my stomach, which was sounding off in earnest a few hours earlier, is silent now. Maybe it knows that all the protesting in the world hasn't brought anything of substance for the last few days so its is probably time to quit asking.

  I have a routine now which I try to adhere to because I feel I'd lose my sanity if I didn't: I arise and pray, then do my affirmations and, lastly, take some time to visualize. I also shower to wash away the sweat that has accumulated from the airless nights and from the skills of my masterful country lover.

  Lonely, sure, but I also know that I will never be the same because of this journey.

Tuesday, July 31th   Today, is my 9th day into this journey, going without food, and I am still going strong.

  The scale reads one hundred and fifty pounds exactly, meaning that I have lost fifteen pounds in eight days.
Thank you Universe for keeping me strong and thank you, virtual lover, for keeping me coming!

Thursday, August 02    I haven't been writing every day because sometimes I feel too weak to write...or to summon my virtual lover if the truth be told.
I now have food as I receive food assistance from the state, on the first of each month, but I have also put myself on a strict food regimen as I do not want to gain back the weight that I have lost.

  I haven't experienced any physical manifestations resulting from my visualizations, prayer and affirmations but I am still trying hard to have faith and believe that the Universe will provide all that I need.

  Tried to go and apply for a job at a local thrift store but the position turned out to be as a volunteer, which I accepted anyway as a way to give back, and I still haven't received a call back from the establishment. This town is so small and was very dependent on the plants and factories that have mostly all moved away. Jobs are very scarce and it is hard not to be anxious about being able to take care of one's self. Winters are fierce here and no one wants to be stuck sleeping outside in twelve degrees below zero weather!
 
  I haven't had a session with my virtual lover lately because I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about using his body for my own selfish sexual pleasure, though he is as happy as I am in my dreams, but it is beginning to unnerve me!

Tuesday, August 07  Today is my 52nd birthday and I am alone, with no plans of a celebratory nature. It is still early in the day yet, about 9:30am EST, but I hold no illusions that any family will call with well wishes.

  My brother's girlfriend did come by with a card, some books, and half of a cake she'd baked and I was grateful for that but I still couldn't help feeling a bit sad that this day did not resonate with my family and children. Then, I began to think about why the life that I crave so desperately has been eluding me all these years? And, am I truly 'attracting' all that I so vehemently resist and fear?

  I do not know all of these answers, yet, but I do feel that there is a spiritual power within me that is available for me to tap into when I am ready to. I can feel it moving and vibrating within, waiting for me to shed the mental shackles that have bound me for years and to reach out and grasp what is rightfully mine; to step into a waiting realm of truth, reality, joy, bliss, accomplishment, love and power.

  And now, I am ready.