In the Land of Milk and Honey

This is the story of a girl. Her name was Bella and she was the most beautiful girl in the entire land. Her skin was smoother than satin and her hair was brighter than the light of ten suns. Now her father was the king of all the land and was also the best brownie maker in the whole kingdom if not the whole world. His queen loved his brownies very much and ate so many that she spontaneously combusted. The king was so grieved that he married the first woman he saw who just so happened to be the most evil and cunning in the land. The evil Dora was unfamiliar with her new kingdom and explored it thoroughly with many adventures that we will not discuss here but can be found on Nickelodeon.
One night while Bella was sleeping, a man-bear-pig snuck past the castle walls, loped across the courtyard, climbed the tallest tower and captured the king. It then contacted Bella in a dream saying, “Your father, the king, wishes to speak with you in the tallest tower immediately.” Upon waking up, Bella went to the tallest tower and was about to open the door when the king, seeing the knob turning, cried out, “Beware it is near! Flee for your life!” before he was bludgeoned into unconsciousness by the furious man-bear-pig. Bella ran for her life sobbing, imagining all sorts of horrors that might befall her father.
Down the stairs she fled and was almost to the bottom when she heard the noise of claws clicking on stone. The man-bear-pig was chasing her. Fear spurred her on faster and she practically flew outside of the castle walls and into the Thalia Forest. Gasping for breath she scanned the surrounding area searching frantically for some sort of hiding spot to allow her a quick reprieve. A cave, barely perceptible, seemed a promising spot and she sprinted as fast as her exhausted muscles would allow. Bella inched forward in the pitch black cave cautiously but urgently. Not long after, she heard snuffling and a spine-chilling noise that sounded like claws being dragged across rock.
Then, a yelp followed by the retreat of the man-bear-pig at an alarming rate. Bella knew whatever forced such a creature into flight was a truly intimidating being and she began to crawl towards the pinprick of light that was the opening of the cave. Halfway there she noticed something was different. A quarter of the way there she realized there was no light…….which meant something was blocking the entryway! As she came to this conclusion, a touch as faint as a butterfly brushed her arm. Biting back a scream, Bella asked, “Excuse me, stranger of the dark, will you not reveal yourself so that we may speak civilly?” The stranger replied with a purr, “My dear, there is not a need for civil talk, for you will not live long enough to talk again!” as he pounced on Bella. However, since the stranger was a vampire, he had excellent night vision and was struck by the beauty of the interloper. The vampire stopped and Bella, expecting a brief yet pain filled passage to heaven, gave an immense sigh of relief which she poorly tried to cover as a cough. “My dear Bella”, the vampire began. “You are more beautiful than anything living, dead or vampiric. I will release you from this prison as long as you swear in the ancient language of the vampires that you will return here again in 3 days.” Knowing she had no other choice, Bella agreed to the vampire’s terms and she swore in his language. After the vampire was satisfied with her performance, he allowed Bella to scurry away and out of the cave. Bella wandered around the rest of that day praying for a miracle to release her from this enchantment. She dropped down under a willow tree and cried herself to sleep.
The following day she awoke with a fresh barrage of tears and was all set to replenish her supply of wet tears when she noticed a large structure covered by moss and shrubs. After clearing away or pushing aside most of the undergrowth she recognized the structure as a large statue of a regal prince and dashing steed. Along the bottom facing her, was a small hole. Curious, she squatted down and said, “I wonder what this is.” She fell back with a squeal as her voice, amplified by a thousand reverberated around the entire clearing and forest. “Helllloooo.” She said and once again the same effect occurred. The hole worked as a voice enhancing device which projected her voice out the statue’s mouth.
Now a prince of noble standing, pious heart and courage surpassing that of a pride of lions heard the reverberation and was shocked beyond reckoning. “The Statue of Quests has spoken again!” he cried out (for that was the statue’s name and it had surprised him because it was last heard in the time of his great grandfather). Swift as a meteor, the prince galloped at a mighty speed and reached the Statue of Quests in no time at all. Dismounting, the prince drew his glimmering sword and said, “O Statue of Quests, you have called and I have answered, what is your bidding?”
As, Bella heard the trampling in the bush, she ran to the statue and cowered behind it. After hearing the prince, she realized her miracle may have come. Kneeling down, she put her mouth to the whole and said in her deepest voice, “It is well you have come with such great speed for there is a great need that requires your attention (the prince leapt up at this). A young maiden is being held captive by a vampire’s enchantment and must return, against her will, to his cave in 4 days hence. You must devise a plan to lift the enchantment within this time period. You can find the young maiden asleep behind me. Good Luck, fair prince.” Bella then pretended to be asleep as she waited for her prince.
The prince tiptoed around the statue and found Bella “sleeping.” His heart was struck by her beauty and knew he would do anything for her. He gently woke her and said before she could open her mouth, “I am here to help you most beautiful maiden.” Bella smiled and hugged him, telling him of her experiences. The prince frowned and brightened almost instantaneously. Answering the questioningly look in Bella’s eyes over his quick changing emotion he said with glee, “Werewolves and Vampires have been fighting for beyond human knowledge. I know a lone werewolf who absolutely despises vampires. Here is the plan…” The prince whispered the plan to Bella and she agreed it was a very good one.
Bella set off to find the werewolf along. She was a little hesitant about this part of the plan but the prince assured her that it was crucial she appear alone so Bella obeyed without question for he was the plan maker. A snap of a twig and a bloodcurdling growl alerted her to the presence of the werewolf behind her. “What arrrrrre you doing here missy?” the werewolf asked menacingly. “I-I-I n-need a v-vampire taken care of.” Bella stuttered for he was quite frightening. “Why should I do this for you?” he asked “Because if you do, I w-will cook, clean, and t-take care of you out of gratitude. Even brush your fur every week.” Bella replied somewhat steadier. The werewolf considered this and decided to agree to her offer because he was getting quite stinky and his hut was repulsive. Bella brought the werewolf to the vampire’s cave and slinked off to find her prince as the werewolf entered.
The prince smiled and kissed Bella for the plan was executed perfectly and they could live happily ever…. Sounds of a huge battle reached him and he pushed Bella behind him as he drew his sword and watched the cave entrance. A loud bark and shriek told him the werewolf was defeated and knew his plan was lost except if the vampire came out of the cave into the fatal sunlight. “We have killed the disgusting and stupid vampire Bella! Now let us go, get married and have many children. We shall tell them the tale of how we outsmarted the pathetic vampire!” The prince shouted loudly hoping that the vampire would hear. And hear the vampire did for rage and envy overtook him and he charged out of the cave hell-bent on destroying the accursed prince. The vampire took 2 strides before the sun melted the flesh off his bones and he collapsed in a pile of black ash as an acrid smell wafted into the air.
Bella was overjoyed that her prince saved the day and was even more ecstatic to know that he was a prime navigator and he quickly steered through the pitfalls and traps of the Thalia Forest as he made his way to the castle .The portcullis opened and they crossed the courtyard hand in hand, the prince’s mount being sent to the stable for a well-earned rest. The king, almost bursting with happiness, (though not like his late queen, bless her soul) baked them both a special brownie to commemorate their meeting and obvious future wedding. Bella smiled at her father and then looked at her new love as she took a huge bite of her brownie. Too late she realized her father was held captive by the man-bear-pig and that there was no chance of escape. A second later she tasted the nightshade and the last thing she saw was her prince shouting for a doctor and saying….
“I love you Bella!! Stay with me!” the prince cried. He heard a deep chuckling which bled into a high cackling as Dora transformed back into her own body. “Now you both shall die muhahaha” The prince jumped aside as bolts of lightning struck where he occupied a second earlier. He drew his sword and waited for Dora to strike. “Hmm I see you are wily and agile. Flesh against flesh it will be!” Dora shrieked as she shifted into man-bear-pig and jumped at the prince. The prince lay down as Dora sailed over him and he scrambled up and sprinted towards the kitchen, where the brownies were made, aiming for the still smoldering fire. Coaxing the fire into a respectable flame, he faced the stampeding man-bear-pig with peace in his heart and determination in his eyes. Bella he thought as Dora tackled him. While falling, the prince speared Dora’s heart hurling it out of her body. Using the agony that wracked through Dora’s body, he slipped out from under her and gouged out her eyes. He then retrieved the heart and baked the heart and eyes into a brownie which he choked Dora to death with. Pushing the corpse into the flame, he went over to Bella and held her as tight as he could wishing his happy ending could happen. The Prince squeezed Bella so tight that her body acted as a pressure cooker and exploded the pressure out of her mouth rocketing the bite of brownie stuck in her esophagus out across the kitchen.
Gasping, Bella opened her eyes once more and complained weakly, “You are hurting me.” The prince, upon finding Bella alive, was overjoyed and asked her hand in marriage. Bella answered, “Yes, of course! I just hope my father approves.” The prince and Bella travel up the stairs to the tallest tower and break down the door. They found the king dead and on the wall written in blood was his will which stated that once Bella married everything in the kingdom would be Bella’s. Bella and the prince were overjoyed at their new found wealth and lived happily ever after.