Forever Lost...

How can I even begin this 'diary' ?? I've locked everything up for so long that I've almost forgotten how to open up and express my feelings, let alone put it all into words to try and get other people to understand, I don't even know why I'm worrying myself over it as I know no one is going to read it, this is just my 'release' so to speak... my attempt at trying to find a way home, out of the cage I've been trapped in for so many years. I don't know where to start, every day is a repeat of the day before, I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day! The walls of my house are the rusty, old yet solid cage bars keeping me prisoner. Its been like this for a while now, nothing seems to go right and every day gets longer and harder, the nights are getting shorter and I am getting tired. Why is it that no matter what I do; I always manage to upset someone? No matter how hard I try, I still manage to make the wrong decision in someone's eyes. Its like my life is on a balance, one side is people group A and the other people group B, each decision puts a weight on one of the groups, always making it unbalanced and one group lower than the other... I always seem to bring people down and I cant stop it!! Nothing works!! I suppose it wouldn't be so hard if people didn't expect so much from me, like I can give them the moon if they ask for it. How can so much be expected from one person, especially when everyone around me is different and all have different expectations. There's nothing harder than having to make decisions with so much pressure from both groups, knowing that no matter what you decide; one of the groups are going to be disappointed. I disappoint someone at least once a week, its almost routine now; waking up wondering who i'll upset that day, often predicting correctly because I know exactly how people are going to react. Its not like i'm doing anything wrong, I mean, everyone's entitled to make their own decisions, especially if it has a big impact on their future right? Is it so bad of me to want that little bit of freedom? People are supposed to understand and respect my decisions, my decisions will always be in the best interest of my son, and they're not even unreasonable decisions, I always ALWAYS make sure everyone can be happy within my decision, but it's still not good enough. Its like my cage is on a chain balanced over a bottomless, dark, lonely hole; and every time I upset someone the cage lowers and I fall deeper into nothing but cold darkness. I don't want to get any lower, I'm tired and lonely and don't like being stuck in the dark any more. Lonely? I can't believe I said that, how can I be lonely? I'm always surrounded in people, although I suppose its as good as being alone as I don't feel "involved" with the crowd... It was good when people used to be happy, I would feel comfortable and have things to say and be able to join in the conversation... but then there was a big change in my life and everyone changed, suddenly everyone expected the world from me, I felt like I was surrounded in a circle of people with one cake, and everyone wanted a slice, I knew from that moment that things were going to get hard. I knew that things would never just be... normal. I could write for hours, but like everything else I write this will probably go ignored.

Forever Lost, -Angel of Darkness xX