A Heartbroken Cardiologist

Someone asked me once, "Dr. Hall, why do you even stay with your wife, if you cheat on her all the time?" my response to that personal and at the moment shocking question, from one of my former nurses was, "It's cheaper, to keep her." I never had a real steady hand, even in high school, I was on the archery team and was considered a high risk shot, my coaches and teammates would duck down every time I would pull back my bow. So becoming a cardiologist (someone that could definitely use a steady pair of hands) and making it all the way through med school, was a curve ball thrown to me. Every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I woke up at 3am and made a pot of coffee, I walked over to my kitchen counter where my laptop was, and viewed the 205 e-mails from the board of directors and the hospital administrators, that mostly are reminding me of the proper usage of "Patient Interaction". If I'm saving your life, and reinforcing the plaque infested heart vessels, that has built up from your own poor dieting habits and helping you stay alive so that in the next couple of days before I discharge you, you tell me "Hey doc, thanks a lot, you saved my life. I'm going to take your advice and kick the salt and fatty foods" but then what happens about 3 weeks from that point? BINGO, those promising patients of mine, are back in the drive-thru lane at their local McDonalds. So no, patient interaction is not my strongest point, so what?! That makes me a bad doctor because I didn't ask you "How your day was going"? Give me a break. After finishing up with the e-mails I take a shower and get dressed, what do I wear? Your going to ask me that? Not really relevant, but I believe in being comfortable, some call it being to lazy to dress up and I call it.....well actually that is exactly why I don't dress up. Laziness when you have my kind of job, is turned into a luxury. I was married seven times, I know that is a shocker to hear for some people. But, I was not always a jerk the way I'm viewed now, I have had failed marriages. Some were gold diggers, cheaters and heart-breakers, now I take my love like I take my coffee "On-the-go, and HOT." So why am I here? I'm here because my life has no meaning to me anymore, emptiness is how I feel these days. Use to, when putting my white coat on and stethoscope around my neck, I felt not to sound so cliche, but...Important. Why are you pressing so deeply on me, what do you care? I lost my head, doesn't everyone do that from time to time? I told my head OR nurse Rita, that the patient was considered a Full Code, and if anything were to happen in the OR that we take ALL measurements to save him. We entered the mitral valve and I was repairing the damaged wall and making my final sutures when the patient crashed, Compressions were being done and Intubation to manipulate his breathing was already setup. 25 minutes had passed, I remember because it was 14:43 when I looked at my watch and the surgery was scheduled to be completed at 14:18. After the anesthesiologist gave me the blood pressure reading and EKG stats, I pushed for more meds, some of the nurses walked out of the room knowing that my decision was not only illegal but fatal, and they did not want any part of it...I understand that. I pushed the meds myself and the student nurse was performing the continuous CPR, and- "They do have a rule on performing on family members, why did you perform the surgery despite that?" Sometimes when something goes wrong it feels better to be the one that messed it up, not anyone else. Especially when it comes to my father...he told me that is proudest moment in life was when he married my mother, and they had my sister Bethany. I never got a break or an "atta boy" from my dad, is that why I'm at this point of my life? No. I'm here because the emptiness of my life has stomped and took over the fake smile and ambition that was once present. Being a doctor, saving lives, and playing God was the reason I went to med school in the beginning. Then the thrill of being in control and manipulating my patients to agree, to a more unnecessary more expensive route of surgery took over my habits, I'm not proud of it, but it was me...I can accept that. "You said it WAS you? Who are you now, Dr. Hall?" Well...I'm the guy in his office that is attempting suicide I guess, to the people outside my office I am anyways. It's amazing how you can be respected your whole life, but one episode or slip and people forget your name, and are so quick to toss you aside. "Your father's death, was not your fault, you did all you could and your staff saw that." Sometimes, the best you can do is not enough..sometimes people die, I know all that! The people that will hear this interview your having with me, or at least the people that can understand will know what emptiness can do to a person....I never experienced love from a real woman, I didn't go to my mother's funeral, and the lives I should have been a part of, my family and friends I never did. I pushed away Everyone, and felt good about doing it at the time............I always thought people who did this were just craving attention, and wanted someone to stop them. You turned off the recording. Why? "Because you need to hear this, from someone that understands....Do it...Do it and continue being empty, because emptiness is where you thrive the most." You are the worst psychiatrist ever.....Get out of my office Thank You. Looking out the window of my own office and coming close to ending it all, in the middle of my hospital, where after 26 years of performing life saving surgeries on patients that are now living their own lives. My goal in life was met, was that why I was put on this earth for? Maybe so....maybe so.