Pain

Jonathan Willis handed the driver his pay for the night and closed the door to the limo. He had been planning this night for quite some time now, and he wanted to make it as special as possible. The interior was inlayed with brown leather, and a row of LED lights glistening from the ceiling. It…was…perfect. The drive to her house seemed like hours even though it was just six minutes. Sweat began rolling down his face only due to nervousness. On any other occasion for any other couple, his plan would almost certainly be used for a marriage proposal, but tonight… was different.
The limo came to a stop and there she was, waiting for him at the front door. She was beautiful. Her long brown hair was blowing in the wind as she slowly made her way down the stone laid path. Jonathan’s heart began racing faster and faster with each step, and the only thing he could do was stare. For the past two years he had had the privilege to spend it with this amazing woman. How could he have been so lucky?
“Hello Lori”, was the only thing he could manage.
“Hello John”.
Jonathan proceeded to open the door for her, and she climbed into the limo, sliding halfway down. John closed the door behind him, and the drive started toward the restaurant.
***
The waiter led them towards their table, and Jonathan pulled out Lori’s seat for her. She slid into it with ease, and he sat down in his own.
“You look amazing,” he said with the goofiest grin. Immediately Lori blushed then replied:
“John! That’s the third time tonight you have said that to me.”
“Well, it must be true then,” he replied, again with that goofy smile. Jonathan new the bliss that he was experiencing was about to come to an end with the words that he was about to say.
“Lori, there is something I need to talk to you about,” said John.
“What is that?” she asked with a playful smile. Oh how he was going to miss that smile. John really didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words, nevermind the fact that what he was doing was unheard of in the world today.
“Lori,” was all John could manage before a tear started to roll down his cheek. This was going to be the most difficult thing he would ever have to do in his entire life.
“What’s wrong John?” she asked with a little worry in her voice. John’s thoughts were hitting his brain so rapidly that the only thing he could do was sit there. “John, what’s wrong?” she asked again, but this time sounding a lot more worried.
John looked back up to those beautiful blue eyes, and said:
“I can’t…. Be the man that you want me to be?” he said as the lone tears turned into a waterfall.
“For so long, you have loved me faithfully, and believe me I thank God for that every day,” he said, taking a long pause. Lori just started at him, obviously wanting him to explain what he meant, but John didn’t know if he really could.
“I… Lori, I am weak compared to any other man. I am weak emotionally and physically compared to any other guy… and….”
“John…. Stop…… I don’t need you to be anyone other than you. You are what I have grown to love, not someone else.”
“The problem is not you Lori, it’s me. You are perfect in every way; it’s me that is so messed up. How can you ever count on me to sustain you when I can’t even sustain myself? Every night I think to myself; the only thing I can offer you is instability and fragility. You being hurt because of me would be so much worse than me losing you.”
“John,” she said as she began to cry. “John, you aren’t fragile…. You are one of the strongest people I know.”
“It is easy to fake it. I fall apart at the mere thought of me hurting you in any way. I couldn’t live myself knowing that something I did could hurt you. Throughout high school and even into college I stayed away from girls, knowing that whatever I did would not be enough. And know as I look at you sitting across from me, I know for sure… I am just not enough. There is someone better for you out there. Someone who can sustain you and guide you through whatever troubles may come. But that person just isn’t me.”
The tears were flowing down John’s face, and they only seemed to flow harder as he tried to hold them in. He stood up before she had a chance to say anything, because he knew that whatever she said would make him stay.
“I have made arrangements with the driver to take you home.”
“John stop! I don’t understand why you are doing this…. Please, tell me!” she said, pleading with him.
“I just don’t want to hurt you,” he said as he made his way to the door. John could feel everyone in the crowd staring at him, but he didn’t care. The money was on the table, and it was well more than the ticket.
“John stop! Please!” he heard her say. John quickly made his way through the restaurant and towards the front door. Once outside he quickly hid behind a corner so she wouldn’t see him. He knew she would come after him, but he wanted to see her one last time. Sure enough she burst out the door, and searched intently throughout the parking lot, visibly upset. The limo driver on cue opened her door and motioned for her to get in. She was reluctant at first, but after searching for a while she gave up. For all she knew, he was gone.
John watched the limo pull out of the parking lot and into the night…. “Goodbye my love” and with that he started the long walk back to his house. Ironically, it began to rain….