My Love is Gone.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Fenris?" Hawke asked, sadness etched in every line of his face. They stood together, outside the door of what had been Anders clinic. Kirkwall was near empty, everyone having fled the demons and the horde of enraged templars that followed.
Knight-Commander Meredith was gone, dead at Hawke's hands, gone mad from a cursed sword. The First Enchanter Orsino was also dead by Hawke, having turned into an abomination. The mages who weren't smart enough to run were slain, as per The Right of Annulment. Templars roamed the city, clearing corpses, searching for survivors and putting them up at the Vicounts Keep. Lowtown was emptier than Fenris had ever seen, and although he was still alert, he was not worried about being alone here anymore.
"I am sorry, Garrett. I... know that this has been difficult for you as well, remaining here... with me. Most of the others have left, Isabela left for sea, taking Merrill with her, for some odd reason, Aveline and Donnic to Ferelden, Sebastien to Starkhaven...." Fenris shook his head. "Varric stayed, saying he was buying half of Kirkwall, but all he does is write. And drink."
Garrett chuckled, but it was still a sad sound. " Yeah. Not much left here." Hawke reached forward, clasping Fenris' upper arm, mindful of the spikes on his armor. " But still... "
Fenris placed his hand over Garrett's. "Thank you. But this... is something i need to do for myself." The breath whooshed out of Hawkes chest, hard. "Okay. If.. you need me, you know where i can be found." Garrett moved his hand, so that their hands were clasped tight. " You were there for me, with my loss. And so, when you need me, I'll be there. " Fenris nodded, unable to speak. Garrett clenched his hand once more, and turned to go back. Fenris watched him go, his closest remaining friend.. the man who freed him. When he could no longer hear the clink of Garrett's armor with his sharp elvhen ears, he turned and faced the strong wooden door.
He took the fat metal key out of his pocket, and slid it into the lock, opening the door with a soft click. Pushing the door open, he closed it behind him with a deep sigh. He looked around the room, and took in the mess. Cots upturned, broken bottles and crates that used to hold supplies.
He got to work, righting tables, using a couple of the crates for trash. There was debris from the rafters on the ground, and he took some time to climb up and repair them, straddling the beams, as he added new supports. It was hard, time consuming work. Straining muscles, he worked his grief out, remembering each time they met, every argument, every laugh, every touch. So lost in his memories, hands and feet moving automatically, he was startled from his reverie when he turned and found the room clean.
"Only one area left." He turned, facing the heavily curtained corner that served as Anders room. The time it took to reach the heavy brocade curtains should have taken years, years to grieve, years to prepare.... In a few short steps his hand was resting on the fabric, rough and silky smooth all at once. Fenris swallowed past the lump in his throat, and pushed the curtain aside. It brushed beside him, attempting to lose him in the shadowy cloth, and as much as it tempted him, he pulled free and stood in the center of the room, just looking. The small bed, it probably still smelled like him. That tiny table, where Anders had painstakingly wrote that silly manifesto. And there, the- he shook his head violently. No. I cannot do that to myself. So he cleaned. Picked up broken glass from potion bottles, returned books to the shelves, and replaced the water dish Anders had set out for any small cats prowling around.
Fenris reached inside a small barrel by the door, pulling out a book. Just about to place it on the shelf, he caught the title, and almost dropped it in horror. A Tevine tome of magic. Magic Anders used on the Chantry, destroying it. His breathing hitched, pain constricting his chest.
" Its this thing.... that ruined everything. If he hadn't found this damned book...!" Fenris turned, throwing it at the wall, listening to it hit with a hard slap. It did not satisfy his rage in the least. He walked over, fully intending to throw it in the fire.. and spied a folded peice of paper, filled with Anders neat script. Curiosity overcoming his anger momentarily, he picked it up, unfolding it gently, so as not to tear it with his gauntlets. It had taken some time to learn how to read, and he was ever grateful Garrett and Anders had taught him how, so he could read this without trouble. The first line made his mind go blank. Tearing off his gloves, he stumbled over to Anders cot, and sat, hard, re-reading the sentence.


Fenris. Nothing I say can make up for what I'm about to do to you.
It's a horrible thing, that Justice and I have decided upon... But we feel a change is needed.

You've heard all this. You know my opinion on the Chantry, and the Circle. There is no meaning in repeating it here.

I know you will never read this. And if and when you ever do, Maker knows, that would be my luck! I know you'll hate me. I hate me. But I had to! all those poor people, locked in torture by the Chantry and Templars... it was the only thing I could think of. I needed you, Fenris. You kept me sane, these past weeks. I would give anything, to sit next to you again, to make you smile, to hold you just a little longer...

Neither of us said it aloud. we didn't have to. but i'll say it here, not that you'll ever know.

I love you, Fenris.

They say, that love is forever. And your forever was all that I need. Given time... we could have had it. Forever. Or i would have had yours. But I just couldn't turn a blind eye. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Couldn't let Hawke talk his way out of another disaster.

And there i go again. Blathering about the cause...... It consumed me. I was weak. Couldn't take it.

I was broken.

And i had no idea how to fix myself... and far too much pride to let anyone else fix me.

Please, Fenris, my.....love.

Take the good memories... and hold them close. I know I will.


Because I know.. that I got your forever.


And with those memories... You can finally have mine.


With my everything.......


Anders


Fenris quietly folded the letter, and placed it in the breast pocket of the shirt he wore under his breastplate.

Unable to remain silent any longer, a loud and painful sob escapes his throat. Then another. One hand moving to his chest, clutching metal over the paper, the other covering his eyes, wet by the stream of tears running free. Fenris sat, and wept, loudly, messily, only one word coming out clear.

"Forever."





Garrett sat outside Anders clinic, and cried with him.